To issue ultimatum to DH about his ex?

Hmm I wonder if your ExH got a day to himself?? I expect not…

It goes back to a set 50/50, and she deals with her childcare issues on her time on her own, OR she provides her schedule 3/4 weeks in advance, as she gets it. IF she fails to do so, her set days are her problem to sort. End of.

This

Yes, issue the ultimatum. And follow through afterwards.

Sorry O W.

Were you the OE by any chance, if so she's punishing you.

Yeah it's insane, I'd be pulling out the big guns and telling him it's over unless he sorts this shite out.

It was in her second post.

Why don’t people read all the OP’s posts before leaping in?

What's the actual arrangement? Does it work out at 50/50, 60/40 or whatever, however haphazard it is?

Leave him and be THAT ex

So he takes them full time and the ex has to request contact and give notice. If she doesn’t the dc stay with you, she doesn’t get to see them and they have a clear routine. She can go to court but a judge will say agreeing contact when you get the rota and not last minute is reasonable. He becomes the default parent. Make it clear if there isn’t a solution you will not be answering your phone or rushing in to save the day and the two of them will have to leave work if necessary to collect the kids same as a single parent would have to do.

He takes her to court to get it fixed

Tbh if I were you I’d threaten him with this, just to point out how much you’re digging them both out of a hole every time you pick up the pieces that these two actual parents fail to spot falling.

Yes, as a step parent with a half sibling to these kids you do have some responsibility to care for them when they’re in your home, But you shouldn't be doing that at expense of your own happiness and ability to care for your own child.

She's pulling his strings and dictating your life. I wouldn't stand for that

Get your facts straight, the OP didn’t have this information

Eh no it didn’t

This situation crops up constantly on mumsnet and is always because the second wife gets coerced into or simply falls into doing all the childcare for her husbands first children.
If he had to do all the washing, cooking, ferrying around and childcare himself the situation would be resolved in a day or two.
It's difficult to understand why the second wife takes all this on and isn't the point of this thread but the solution is always to leave your husband to raise his own children.

The trick with men who "want an easy life" is that they choose the path of least resistance - if she is inconvenienced (by him putting his foot down etc) she will cause maybem for him, if YOU are inconvenienced then you just put up with it and make accommodations for it, maybe with a bit of complaining or the odd argument. For men like that the choice is an easy one unfortunately. You need to stop this nonsense and that means you need to make him see that appeasing her over you is not on and will no longer be tolerated. His life needs to become very difficult to make him make a different choice

I would have given her a couple of months to sort herself out but then I’d expect a proper rota in place.

2 years of this is not acceptable.

Does she have any other family members to help her?

What was the set up like before?

I would be tempted to tell her that you’ll do 1 whole week at yours and then 1 whole week at hers.
And it’s up to her to find childcare during her week, like most parents do.

Of course you can still have them in emergencies but it has to be actual emergencies.
If it’s anything to do with work then she needs to ASK in advance.

I don’t know how you can make DH do this though.
I assume you’ve had every argument and discussion already.

Do you do much cooking, cleaning, childcare for the SDCs?
Perhaps if you stop then he will see how difficult it is.

Does he WFH?

I’m confused how the SDC are already there when you finish work but he can’t send you a quick text to let you know or put dinner on when he’s already at home.

I think the only thing you can do is tell him you will end your relationship and leave him to sort out the mess with his Ex and have to then also factor in seeing your shared daughter. Give him a deadline, or tell him you're done with you and your DD not getting to actually live your lives calmly and sensibly because of his irrational fear of standing up for himself and his children

It goes back to a set 50/50, and she deals with her childcare issues on her time on her own, OR she provides her schedule 3/4 weeks in advance, as she gets it. IF she fails to do so, her set days are her problem to sort. End of.

He needs a kick up the arse to stand up for himself AND his children who are also being messed around by their mother.

Feel sorry for kids. Must be so unsettling not to know where they are going to be.

Dh needs to step up. Don't know much about custody arguments but would it be worth getting a legal custody arrangement where she has to give her rota a month in advance

This would piss me off no end! I'd definitely be issuing him an ultimatum and I'd be making it clear that until he sorts it, you won't be doing any last minute pick ups or meals etc. If he's too spineless to have a conversation with her then tough shit that everything will be on his shoulders.

I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought he had 17 children for a second 😂

I have a very similar set up with my Ex H

Though I do give him two weeks rota in advance. But in all fairness he's pretty flexible if I have to change my shifts to help the unit out (we are horribly short staffed and have been for a long time)

Can you speak to her?

I will say a few years ago I dropped my hours and my relationship with ex h wasn't great. I didn't tell him because I was exhausted and needed that one day every other week to recoup from either working or having the DC (one is SEN) I didn't tell him for fear he would drop that day and I still wouldn't get a breather..

I also had a work like balance contract when they were smaller so every other weekend I was off.

She could put a request in

They obviously werent desperate to appease their first wives when married, realised that managing a home, job and children is actually hard if you are trying to do it well, employ a new woman to take the reins and dont want to piss off the old wife as it will make their life harder again.

I never understand why so many men are desperate to appease their first wives, yet happy to p*ss off the new wife