To issue ultimatum to DH about his ex?

The ONLY reason someone wouldn’t give their childcare their rota is if she doesn’t want you know her shifts… as things stand she can say ‘oh I’m at work tomorrow night please can u have kids’ and you drop everything and say yes… I suspect the reality some of the time is that she gets asked on a date or out with the girls and rather than need to ask you and DP to have the kids extra so she can socialise, and risk you saying ‘no sorry we need more notice’… she pretends to work knowing you can’t refuse that!
I get more notice for walking my friends dog than you get for looking after children!!

Work or not, if she messaged last minute about having the kids, I’d say no we need more notice… you partner needs to be told that he’s putting strain on your relationship by always saying yes to her and disrupting your plans.. tell him he’s risking loosing you and another child only being with him part time!

suggest mediation through an official route, they will likely tell her she needs to give you her shift pattern/rota a month in advance.

otherwise I’d message saying what are your shirts for December please.as we are booking things and if we don’t have your rota by 1st December then we will be unable to facilitate all of your shifts sadly.

she’s very unreasonable not to give more notice, but like I say I’m sure some of the ‘work’ is really a girls night out or casual dating…. It’s fine for her to ask for help so she can have a personal life… BUT not at the expense of your plans

My ex did this. He also said "But what if she takes them back to [her home country]" It wasnt because he thought she would because she wouldnt have done that. Mainly because her family would not be happy with her and would have assisted him in getting them back but also due to which country it is, getting them home would be (relatively) quick and simple. She would also never stop him seeing the kids because she values her own free time too much, and now the kids are in their teens they could get themselves to their dads if they wanted to, she couldnt physically stop them. But he would always say it anyway.....

The fact is that he is a lazy coward who didnt want to have to deal with her kicking off so he always backed down. It was pathetic and is one of the reasons I broke up with him a few weeks ago.

I don’t know why men use the excuse of “she might not let me see the kids” these days. Unless there is a very good reason no court would allow that to happen. He needs to sort it out and stop using that excuse and if she does try that then go to court and get a proper agreement in place. She can’t just take them to her country either as that is illegal too.

We usually have our nursing roster 4-6weeks in advance! (I'm in ROI but imagine NHS is the same). Such a ridiculous situation, your DH just has to be firm with her. If she works shift work full time there's no way she'll restrict his access as she needs him too much.

Did you not read the post?

You’re not being unreasonable at all

Been there myself.

You need to get your other half to set his stall out and say that you aren’t the one to be relied upon on last minute decisions when plans change as it sound like you are now.

i am a step mother to two kids who have a mother who is a complete nightmare to deal with. We have our differences but, it works for us without excessive arguments and face pulling after a few choice words occasionally.

Try it, it may work

I work for the NHS, and nurses know their rota at least 2 weeks before!
I say give an ultimatum, as it's costing your sanity

Seriously??

Change your mindset. Have a plan A, no kids, plan B, kids, then roll with whatever happens. Don't live in negative energy, it does no one any good especially you.

Sounds like she's either ridiculously unorganised or is taking the piss and your DH is too weak to put his foot down. It's unfair for you, your DD and the SC really.

Yanbu, she needs to send reminders to herself to make it a priority

If you agree then why not have him seek full custody and explain why.
NHS is not a 9-5 job but she should have decency to let you know more than 24 hours in advance.

Is she doing agency work?if so she might not know when she will be working day to day or if she has any work on any particular day

DH's ex is playing a control game. Maybe trying to split you up, maybe just for the spiteful fun of knowing she's making life very difficult for you. Tell DH enough is too much. She can't stop his access to the children and he needs to put his big boy pants on.

Not fair on the kids above all else

Only advice I can give is stand your ground, this would drive me mad too. Good luck

Totally agree. She knows she causes chaos.

She’s just trying to control your lives, this would drive me nuts aswell. Ultimatum time

You're conflating the issue.
OP willingly does this.

Ultimatums rarely work however this is just being difficult for difficulties sake. Maybe next time you arrive home to find your step children there put them in the car drive them to the hospital and tell their mother yo come and collect them. I would definitely insist on a meeting between the 3 of you to sort this out. If she refuses then refuse to look after them. Your DH needs to grow some she isn't going yo deprive herself of free child care.

@Wolframandhart

They obviously werent desperate to appease their first wives when married, realised that managing a home, job and children is actually hard if you are trying to do it well, employ a new woman to take the reins and dont want to piss off the old wife as it will make their life harder again
Still makes no sense as pudding off current wife is going to make his life even harder .

Nothing to suggest the app and DP don't care about them. This is obviously the ex being crap. The OP even says it's not fair on the dc. And she's got every reason to feel resentful. She's not aiming that at the dc. She's saying she's resentful if the whole mess the ex has created.

It's irrelevant. The ex is being wholly inappropriate regardless of what work scenarios the OP and partner have

Sounds like a nightmare... could you speak to her??

I’d sit down and tell your ex you will be shopping for yourself and your dc, making plans for you and your dc

he will now become responsible for grocery shopping for his dc and cooking for them.

that way you don’t have to try and juggle