To think it is personal when people ignore your messages?!

A friend of mine text me the other day asking if she'd upset me. I was very sorry that she felt like that but I honestly can't keep up with the amount of things I have to do every day.

I don't message back because it comes in when I'm in the middle of something and then I forget. If it is arranging plans then I will definitely respond but most other stuff is deprioritised.

I have a busy job and am a single mum to two young children. From 0600 to 2030 my time is allocated for. I do sit down and go through my messages at the end of the day but sometimes it just feels like another chore and given I've done nothing for me that day I'd prefer to do something I want to do rather than feel obligated.

I think it's just a mismatch of expectations and lifestyles. Most of my friends are similar so we never think twice about each other not replying.

That said when I am in the room I try to be as present as possible (which also means not looking at my phone).

YABU- it doesn’t mean anything.
i think if you are confident with your friendships you can assume they are busy and will reply when they have the headspace to do so.

i often don’t reply to a message if I need to confirm a few things first. I’m busy. I also don’t think anything of it when someone doesn’t reply to me. They will in due course. I’m at the beck and call of my family’s needs in the house all day and often at night so if I have a minute to myself, I don’t want to get sucked in to my phone. I want silence and relaxation.

we’re not entitled to instant replies or people’s time. Even tho the world has evolved tech for instant access, we’re not happier for it are we?

Could it be because you are a bit needy or what you are asking of them is a lot of work? I respond to group chats but leave individual messages unresponded to. Because the individual message takes a long detailed reply, especially if it’s about a serious topic (or the person is a lot of work, and I know a response will mean I’m bombarded with 10 messages back about something I’m not really interested in hearing about). It’s not about not liking someone. It’s often just the combination of my own capacity for taking on more and how much work someone is. I’ll be honest, the easygoing ones I respond to more readily. It’s the ones I know will be needy, passive aggressive, overly melodramatic, etc that I leave the longest.

That said, I currently have probably 20 different friends who are waiting on a response from me. I have cancer, just had a big surgery, was in hospital for 4 days. Lots of people messaging me for an update or well wishes. They all know I’m fine. But I haven’t yet responded to everyone individually. I’m tired and sore. I’m fed up with talking about cancer. I don’t want to spend hours messaging about cancer and my treatment. I’m my own first priority now. It really is about me and not them. It would be a bit pathetic if anyone got in a hump about that. I’d hope they have more going on in their lives than waiting around for a message from me.

The mum who was messaging constantly on your birthday. That sounded like a lot of work. It’s fine to say, just going out now for birthday coffee and cake, hope you’re feeling okay, will check in with later. You don’t have to engage. It’s not rude to have healthy boundaries. You can say no to people.

It can be very intrusive

Sure, but it's also quite intrusive to expect someone to drop everything on their birthday to help you. The friend doesnt seem bothered by that kind of intrusion to the OP does she- why does it only extend one way?

You don't get to dictate what people do. There are many reasons people don't respond, and yes 'not wanting to' is a perfectly acceptable reason.

Many people struggle with this constant messaging. It can be very intrusive. People who are neurodivergent can really struggle and a message that needs a response can bring on high stress.

It's not all about you and your lived experiences. They also have theirs.

YANBU expecting instant replies is unreasonable, but expecting friends to regularly reply within a day is reasonable.

Yes people have difficult lives, and certainly it’s important to extend grace to people. But if you are so far down someone’s priority list that a sorry too busy is more than they can manage when you propose catching up - are they really a friend? What would you loose by stepping back and putting your efforts elsewhere? What are either of you getting out of the friendship?

While this sort of interaction (or non-interaction) works for some it clearly does not work for you!

Easier said than done, but I suspect you need to find friends who have time for you and interact a way that works for you.

No one is obligated to do anything. If they are good friends most people would generally know what is going on with them or apologies at a later date and explain why they didn't reply. I don't think anyone is expecting an immediate reply. Like I said sometimes it is fine, someone may be going through something horrible but persistently I personally think it's rude. I've went through a bereavement recently, I have a busy work/family life, I have horrible health anxiety, I also struggle with 24/7 loud tinnitus but I always reply to messages. I just wouldn't ignore people. That's the way I was brought up. I accept other people have different values, priorities but it's something I think is important in a friendship. Sorry to hear about your dad.

Yup. This person isn’t a friend. She is using you.

It’s perfectly ok to not be available on your birthday. Why are your needs always coming last after everyone else’s?

I agree with @category12 you are people pleasing and it always causes resentment in the long run.

People on MN will tell you it's fine to ignore messages. But that's because MN is an absolute hotbed of misanthropy and social anxiety.

I always reply, maybe not right away, but I always reply. In this particular instance, I would distance myself and make myself far less available. Match people's energy.

I completely agree with you. No one is that overwhelmed or busy that they can’t just say thanks, I’ll get back to you on that. It is manners and you’re not expecting too much to expect a v quick reply. I find it rude, also posting on social media yet ignoring messages is next level.

This lady is not your friend. Another comment of yours said she knew it was your birthday but you spent your time helping her with her issues or something to that degree. She is completely using you. She is emotionally draining you as well. She needs to be cut off.

I agree OP. It takes seconds to acknowledge a message but people on MN are weird about this and will always find reasons for why it's ok not to reply.

I think maybe you're too much of a people-pleaser.

You give too much and don't have great boundaries, and then get/feel taken for granted and devalued.

Like with your birthday spent supporting someone else - not valuing your own time and occasions and putting yourself after everyone else, often results in people not "seeing" you.

Then you're oversensitive about being left on read or whatever because you feel like they should be falling over themselves like you would.

Put some boundaries in place, value yourself more, stop seeking validation elsewhere.

So make yourself less available to her

Yes- absolutely. Stop going out of your way for someone who doesnt show the same care to you.

messages are not like phone calls, there’s no need for an instant response.

That’s really nice OP, you sound lovely. But I think for your own sake you need to become choosier. Your time is SO precious.

So make yourself less available to her.

I understand the frustration at replying to others, even when not massively convenient, then receiving nothing back for days, not even - ‘sorry, but busy will text later’, or a ‘thanks’ to an enquiry as to their well being. They may fear a response opens up the floodgates to more interaction which they can’t face, which is understandable.

It’s difficult bc the decent thing for ppl to do is acknowledge the effort/concern you have for them in reaching out to them, but you have to accept if they can’t cope with doing that, it isn’t personal - it is about them not you. (This is regarding someone with genuine mh issues or real life problems that they’re struggling to deal with.) Ppl that just can’t be arsed on the other hand but expect swift responses from you are just the worst.

Mirror the way she replies. Leave her on read a few days or don’t open her messages til the next day or whatever. Ppl are quick to pick up on these changes in behaviour and she will probably ask what’s wrong. Don’t start attacking or criticising her but you can say that you’ve decided to invest less in other ppl for a while for your own well being. You could then go on to say that you put a lot of effort into responding and being available to friends but are taking a step back as it isn’t reciprocated and will use their style of communication as a guide from now on. She’ll probably change in the short term, but then go back to her current pattern as a default, but you never know.

I think someone has said it already but turn off your read receipts/ last seen on and then you won't know if someone has seen it and can't stress over their lack of response.

How would you even know what people are going through? I don’t tell people, they don’t need to know if I’m ill, my kids are struggling, my dad’s cancer is advancing etc. I should need to broadcast this because they can’t cope with being the centre of my attention on demand.

To be clear, I am kind and supportive, I will put myself out for other people regularly, but I will absolutely not accept that just because someone has messaged me I have an obligation to reply immediately.

It annoys me too. I think it's rude. Someone forgetting the odd time is fine, easily done but regular offenders I can't be bothered with. Obviously different if someone is going through bereavement, serious illness etc.

I wouldnt expect instant replies but to ignore a message about meeting up is certainly rude when this person is leaning on you heavily for support when it suits them.

Start being more unavailable yourself- as PP have said in this thread, its fine to do so, so next time she needs help ignore her.

You’re being massively unreasonable in my opinion. Messaging someone at your convenience and expecting them to reply straight away is the equivalent of turning up at random and standing in front of them demanding that they speak to you there and then regardless of what they’re doing. That’s a very selfish mindset.

It’s because of people like you that I’ve turned off the notifications on my phone.

Absolutely this.

🩷