To think it is personal when people ignore your messages?!

I think we know which of our friends just about have their head above water and don’t expect much from them, and are glad of what time they can spare.

But OP and the many, many other people who post on this subject aren’t talking about friends like that. Few people are so busy they don’t have 30 seconds to spare to reply. They just can’t be bothered and use busyness as an excuse while simultaneously making themselves seem incredibly important and the other person feel needy and intrusive.

Just match the energy OP. You’ll hear from them as frequently as they think of you and want to hear from you. That’s unlikely to be often but that will give you more time for people who value your friendship and are worth bothering with.

Honestly, just consider that people may have other stuff going on and/or simply don't have the time to respond to what might not even be a particularly urgent message.

There’s a big difference between someone not having time to reply straight away and someone not replying at all. Personally I know I sometimes forget or take a while to reply to messages if I’m busy. I suppose friends sometimes do the same to me but I would never have an issue with this as I assume they are also busy. I don’t understand why you spent 3 hours on the morning of your birthday replying to messages. I would have either said ‘speak later or not replied until I had the time to. I think you’re worrying too much about something that’s a non issue and you need to put your own personal boundaries in place.

I have friends that I’ve had for thirty years who we dip in and out of contact with, they live all over the world and we have the most genuine, loving connection which also means that we don’t judge, we don’t sulk or expect eachother to drop everything because someone messages about something. When we do chat, it’s for hours and it’s important and every ten years or so we might meet in person and it’s amazing.

I also have friends who I’ve known more recently that are the same, understanding and considerate and trusting. They all know that I will be there when I can and that even if I’m not typing messages or talking to them, I have their backs. I will send daft messages or presents just because I’m thinking of them but I won’t necessarily reply to every message straight away.

On reflection, the others are not proper friends, the ones who would message multiple times if I didn’t reply straight away or sulk (or worse, send ??? Rather than words). Those people are not friends because they expect to be the centre of my attention even if I can’t do that, they make everything about them and I’m not going to respond to that if they can’t do me the courtesy of some consideration too.

I do have one friend who I love dearly, who used to get stroppy if I didn’t reply straight away, I know that this is about her anxiety though so I’ve explained to her that I can’t always do that and turned off all the notifications so that she has less to worry about. The difference with her is that I know it’s because she struggles to manage her anxiety and also she has a very low demand life so doesn’t understand that I have a million and one other things to do (and if I’m not doing them I’m usually sleeping).

Maybe it’s a matching energy thing?

Agree. I am not talking about daily messages. Just the occasional ones. If someone can't respond to my once in several months messages, then they are too busy to be my friend. That's ok. We can be friends when they are not so busy.

Couldn't agree more. Working full time I want to give the little brain power that I have remaining at the end of the day to my kids, not be on my phone replying to messages. My friends understand this and I love them for it.

I don't think being a friend is making demands of you. 🤷 If it's too demanding to communicate with a friend then you aren't that persons friend. I'm not talking about messaging every day, multiple messages, responding immediately etc. People need to use their common sense here.

If I need a rapid response from someone, I phone them. Some people get a heck of a lot of messages, especially if they are in lots of WhatsApp groups, and it is very easy to lose something vital amid the tide of messages. You sound lovely OP, so try not to take it so personally.

I turned my blue ticks off on my whatsapp i;ll get back to whom ever when i feel like it.
If its so important ring me.

@GreyCarpet @DaylightTreachery

Yes, completely agree with both of you.

OP- please read these replies. People pleasing is not healthy and it will drag your self esteem even lower over time.

I completely agree with you.

And your advice to the OP.

But the only behaviour the OP can change here is her own. She is clearly over-invested in text communications and is prepared, for whatever reason, to spend hours ‘helping’ people who don’t appear to have much reciprocal interest in her, and she views prompt replies to her messages as unduly important, because, as she admits herself, she has few friends and low self-esteem.

Gently, OP, your posts suggest you’re a people-pleaser, and that never works as a way to make or keep friends. You just become the semi-invisible service-provider. Look at what you did on your birthday — you spent three hours messaging back and forth with someone you don’t seem to consider a close friend while clearly resenting it. You then feel she ‘owes’ you prompt replies to texts at other times. But messaging her was your choice. If you didn’t want to do it, why did you? If you felt it was a worthwhile thing to do, and you didn’t have plans, why do you resent having done it? If you did it because you felt unable to explain you had plans or were busy, that’s on you. Own your own choices here.

I am the person who regularly doesn’t respond. I am constantly in overwhelm. My dear friends know this and give me grace, and I do the same for them. I don’t have time for anyone who isn’t a dear friend at the moment anyway. If you can believe it’s not about you or what they think about you and more about them and how much capacity they have in their lives the world will feel better.

I don't even read messages until I'm in a position to respond to them, which may be a few days. (Most of my messages are about arranging things.) If I open a message but don't respond instantly, there's a high chance that I'll forget later.
Most people understand but one friend gets cross if I don't respond instantly. She's very good at responding herself but that's because she permanently has her phone in her hand and is constantly checking it. Which I find extremely rude when we're together.

I think it depends what you are texting about. If you Are asking a question or issuing an invite then possibly, but not straight away.
Looking at a message is a matter of seconds replying is more of an interruption.

I would try cutting dow the messages you send and stop sending to those that habitually don’t reply.

Yes Op it's rude.

Because this particular woman isn't the OP's friend. She's taking advantage of her kindness, generosity and lack of boundaries.

The OP, for her own reasons, has chosen to invest heavily in this woman (by her own admission) even though she doesn't get the same in return.

This woman doesn't value or respect the OP and is only interested in what she can get from her.

The OP states that she is feeling low at the moment and her posts indicate she has low self.esteem. sometimes, people in that position put themselves out excessively for others because it makes them feel better about themselves. It can be easier to ignore your own problems if you are supporting someone else with theirs - it takes up your mental bandwidth and makes you feel justified in ignoring your own needs because you are meeting someone else's. Maybe there is an extent to which this meets her own needs.

When you doubt your own value/worth, it can be easy to find it in helping and being available to others. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean it's genuine or wil be reciprocated.

Yes I suppose these are 2 separate issues.

But generally I think it’s good to match other people’s energy. If someone rarely replies then I would do the same as they clearly can’t or don’t want to communicate.

If that means the friendship fades out then so be it. Best to find people who are on the same page with regards to communication styles. I certainly wouldn’t expect immediate replies however as I think that is putting way too much pressure on anyone. Equally if you constantly ignore someone then don’t be surprised if they disappear from your life 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well, it depends on how you view messages and your friendships.

I see messages as a way friends can contact me - or reply to a message I sent them - at a time that suits THEM to send the message.

I don't view messages as a summons or an order.

And just because it suited them to message me then, it doesn't mean it's convenient for me to respond. MY timescale to reply depends on what I am doing at that moment, what reply is needed, what information is needed, do I have to check dates with DH etc.

If I can reply promptly I will, but if it takes me a couple of days, so be it. I am OK with my friends taking a few days to get back to me. I am secure in our friendship.

If I felt obligated to reply within a given time, I would probably slowly back away from the friendship because I would feel it was a bit superficial.

That’s a whole other issue and nothing to do with someone leaving messages on read.

The birthday woman in the OPs posts sounds horrible regardless of the message issue.

There are a number of people saying exactly that, variations on a theme of you should reply and apologise for not being able to talk or just sending a thumbs up or a heart rather than just not respond. ‘It doesn’t take long’

Some people’s lives are very demanding and extremely busy constantly and in some cases the pressure of having to respond immediately to messages is another stressor, possibly the straw that broke the camels back. In my experience, the ones who get needy about this are the ones who have poor boundaries and whilst saying that they care about you, continue to make demands on you.

Sometimes it's just an accident. I read a message, want to give time for a proper response so plan to do it later and then it genuinely slips my mind. Usually when I go back into the app the message was on, I remember and reply then but sometimes I just don't.

You could say it's a symbol of how much I care about that person that I don't remember, but I wouldn't agree with that. I'm just absent minded and very busy. If anything, messages that are less important or from people I care less probably have a higher reply rate because I don't care as much and just fire off a quick reply or an emoji. The issue with me is that I want to reply better than that to people/issues I care about, and then I get busy and forget.

I do think it's rude, but I don't get hung up on it.

I can take ages to reply if I don't know what I'm going to say to someone (usually dating related). Texting doesn't expend much energy, but thinking about what to say does.

The rude people in this situation are the ones demanding a response on their own terms rather than understanding that the world is bigger than their own experience

Disagree. The rude people in this situation are those asking for help when it suits THEM and ignoring their friends when the boot is on the other foot. They’re users.

Are you aware how selfish this is?

You have decided what mental, emotional and time capacity someone else has available to them and that this resource should be spent on keeping you happy rather than anything else.

For example, most people won’t know, that this week I’ve been working 14 hour days doing a very socially and emotionally draining job, I have two kids in emotional turmoil who I’m speaking to or messaging daily, family all over the world who are struggling and I’m messaging at all hours, a husband and a father who are seriously or terminally ill. On top of that I need to try and sleep, keep up with housework etc. If someone messages me to say ‘Hi’ ‘Did you see the film we talked about’ ‘What are you up to this weekend’ etc That’s not my priority and I don’t have the time or energy right now to respond to that. Explaining that I have a lot on and can’t chat invites further responses which again I don’t have time or energy to do. Most weeks are like this for me, because that is my life and very few people know every bit of the jigsaw because they don’t need to, most of the demands on me are about other people and it’s not my place to share this.

But regardless of any of this, not everyone wants to communicate in the same way that you do, that’s not rude, it’s a personal choice.

The rude people in this situation are the ones demanding a response on their own terms rather than understanding that the world is bigger than their own experience.