To refuse to have DD’s boyfriend in the house because he CHEATED o

Good god you are being massively unreasonable. What gives you the right to be judge and jury above the wishes of your own daughter?

Firstly, as several PPs have pointed out, this absolute hardline stance in no way helps your daughter. You are simultaneously isolating her and communicating to her the fact that you think she is an idiot who can't be trusted to make her own decisions. Your role here should be to make sure your DD knows that you have her back, that she deserves to be treated well, and she can change her mind about continuing this relationship anytime she wants. Beyond that, yuu need to back the hell off and support her. Your behaviour is infantalising her.

Secondly, this guy has clearly behaved like a collosal knob on this occasion, but they are still very young. Young people make mistakes. Apart from this one incident, what is is behaviour like in general? I think that is far more important than a single immature drunken fuck up.

I can think of several couples who met young (at university and in their early twenties) who went through similar things when they were young but who all settled down to have solid, faithful relationships - myself included. I'm extremely glad my parents didn't behave like yours because I might have missed out on a very happy 30 year relationship and a loving marriage that is still going strong.

I can see how annoyed you are and quite rightly. I’d have been devastated too as I have a daughter but there will be more to him than the mistake he made and it may be that he is genuinely sorry. My sister’s boyfriend cheated on her at a similar age but never again and they have kids and a ridiculously happy life now. Been together 30 years. She sees it as part of him growing up, awakening sexually. He’s an amazing man and makes her so happy.

Maybe have him over, see what you think of him and quietly have a word with him that if he ever disrespects her again he will have more than your daughter to deal with. You never know, you might end up really liking him.

I didn’t expect it would last this long tbh and I’m flabbergasted that it still is tbh.
@BusyOnMyPhone

Perhaps accepting your dd's choice and autonomy might change the dynamic and end things sooner.

I'm not saying it's your fault they're still together but the fact that she has to be secretive about the relationship and can't talk to you about it, can't even bring him up in normal conversation let alone have him in the house, adds another layer of "we're in this together" against the rest of the family/world.

A similar thing happened with my dd although dd didn't live full time with us (ar university), I absolutely know how hard it is to let the bastard back in the house but once we let go of our hurt and anger on her behalf I think she felt more trusted to make her own decisions and soon decided that actually she didn't still want to be with him anymore.

As long as your constantly fighting her decision she's defending it harder by staying with him.

I mean it is shit she has taken him back but she is only early 20s and she may well wake up one day as she matures and have the epiphany that leads her to leave for good. However until then she is an adult and not really your place to do this. You can disagree which is understandable but not letting him in the house where she lives will lead to her resenting you and distancing herself.

Stand by your decision op. Very refreshing to hear your stance, usually people are running after and accepting all sorts of crap from their children because they 'fear' losing them.
If your dd wants to be stupid, then don't support her stupidity. Let her make her mistakes and suffer the consequences. Be there for her, but you don't have to accept anything about him either.

One thing to think about is not making her feel she can't tell you anything about him for fear you hate him more or say "we told you so". This can make her increasingly isolated from you and dependent on him.

Many years ago my cousin was in the same position, she took her bf back after he cheated. It caused a massive falling out with her parents and she went to live with our Grandparent. Cousin married a couple of years later, without her parents there, we all went, but it was so very sad as she was very close to her parents. They did reconcile with her parents when she became pregnant. They are still together married over 35 years. As hard as it is, your DD has forgiven him and I don’t know what I would do in your situation, but maybe small steps to let him back in.

I understand your perspective, but I think you are not achieving what you want, and are isolating your daughter.

I recommend looking at resources for supporting victims of abuse - and reading about how isolating it can be when family opposes the relationship.

You can communicate to your daughter that you don’t support the relationship because of how she is being harmed (not was, it’s up to her to decide whether to forgive or not, but it sounds like she hasn’t gotten past this), but if you freeze her out you risk pushing her to him. You risk her not being able to tell you sure needs help.

how would you feel if she doesn’t come to family Christmas because she doesn’t want him to be excluded? After a year it’s obvious that she isn’t going to leave him because you’ve asked/told her to. All that’s happening is her hiding the relationship.

If you feel in physical danger from his behaviour it would be different.

I like this plan

I have a friend whose DM did something similar - all delivered with a friendly smile! He pushed off quite quickly as well.

This is boss level parenting

I'd be neutral on the face of it but help her fund some trips away with new people, go on a course somewhere, a Christmas or summer in some far off land. Show her there is far more to life than this.

I understand how you feel, however I think by taking this stance several things could happen.
She won't confide in you.
She might feel pushed even further into the relationship.
She can't actually see the wood for the trees here, and needs the head space to do that.
She might decide to leave home and set up home with him.
If she did the latter and had children with him, you might not get to see them.
She is a adult, she needs to think this through for herself, and you might need to give her support in her decision. As much as it pains you, that would be better from a non judgemental position.

You are just making it more difficult for her to come to you when she has any problems or doubts. She’s waiting to be proved wrong about him and “I told you so”. If you pretend to accept him then she doesn’t have to keep up the act of trying to convince everyone (including herself) that she’s happy.

You should focus on your relationship with your daughter and accept her boyfriend for her sake, taking a stand against him is just going to make your relationship difficult and she might dig her heels in harder.

You don’t have to roll out a red carpet but tolerate him and hide your feelings till he shows his true colours. He might surprise you and might have realised what he stood to lose after cheating, you obviously feel very strongly about it but when you are head over heels in love it makes you more forgiving, your daughter clearly loves him to be as devastated as she was and to take him back.

We had this exact same situation with my DSis when we were teenagers. My DF played it like a master.

He made no overt complaint about the boyfriend, but would breezily bring up the fact that he was cheating twat at every possible opportunity. At family dinner: “so, ScumbagBoyfriend, how’s your week been? Accidentally had sex with anyone new this week?” Swiftly opening the door to any room the boyfriend was in: “Hello, ScumbagBoyfriend! Just wanted to check it was Koala’sSister in here with you - after all, we never know with you!”

The boyfriend was so unnerved he stopped coming to our house altogether, and then ghosted DSis not long after

I think you need to respect your dd, not potentially push her away. She knows what your view is. One day she may see the light, maybe not. But she will always need your support so don't make her feel that she doesn't have it.

So very sorry she is choosing to stay with a cheating twat. If you can't stomach him, that's that, can't be changed.

But try not to bring him up at all to your daughter, just enjoy time with her when you can and make it clear SHE is always welcome in your home.

So he treats her badly and controls her and she puts up with it, now you are trying to control her and make her think the way you have decided she needs her.

Maybe she needs to think for herself?

Hi OP, this is your DDs decision; it is her relationship not yours.
Also- They are young and people make mistakes .
If stuff becomes a pattern then you might want to have a think about what you can do to help your DD, but as it is I really think you have to let this one go and move on.

Haven't read the thread, but this is not your battle. It's hers. She will choose him if you force her hand.

You have made your point - excluding him is now punishing her, seems counter intuitive.

Saw this today & it made me laugh.

Praps just be candid with her & find a whole slew of funnies & memes like this one & share them, sporadically, in the family chat.

All men certainly don’t do it, I’ve never and I’m 47M despite plenty of opportunities so it’s sad she thinks that way. I hope this was a one off on his side or he shows his true colours and she sees it and drops him like the proverbial hit potato. ATB.

Your house your rules. I certainly wouldn't have the cheating bastard in my house

Suck it up and play nice

I had an abusive boyfriend from 18 to 25. He was ( rightfully so ) excluded from my family / family occasions. Now I'm an adult, I get it, but as a teenager/ young women

It very much felt like it was ME being judged by my family, made it so I tried harder to keep up the pretence that everything was okay ( because I didnt want to face the I told you so ect ) and I didnt reach out for support when I needed it

Instead of it being a brief relationship, the lack of support + my own naive mindset, it ended up being 7 years and 2 babies.

Play nice and she will get bored of him quicker