To refuse to have DD’s boyfriend in the house because he CHEATED o

Completely agree. You are not the boss of her love life, back off!!

I think you need to trust her judgment or risk being cut off and not seeing grandchildren if they happen.

personally I’d give him the benefit of the doubt, he was drunk young foolish. People learn and change. give him a second chance.

yes it’s normal to be protective but she is an adult and is entitled to make her own decisions and mistakes, just as you were in your 20s.

She forgave him. That’s all that really matters here. It’s not about you unfortunately. You don’t have to like him but you should respect her decision to forgive him. He may be a wrongun and she may have made a big mistake but it’s her mistake unfortunately. Don’t try to live her life for her, just be there when it blows up.

I already said I think YABVU in my earlier post, but something else you should consider is what happens if the BF ends things with your DD because he's weary of the bad feeling and rejection from her family? Irrespective of whether he would be sincere in that or not, your DD is in love with him and will likely blame you all, perhaps for a very, very long time.

Honestly, you have massively overstepped in your behaviour to him and you are doing your DD no favours at all. This isn't about you and your hurt, this is about your daughter and what she believes she wants.

Bloody hell, mind your own business. She's an adult. Let her live her life even if she's making dubious choices.

Excellent advice, the decision to forgive is hers. If you want to maintain a relationship with her you need to find a way to respect this.

Ugh. I feel for you.
I’m crossing everything that my step-teenager doesn’t get back together with his ex girlfriend, as I just don’t want her in the house. (I know I’ll have to suck it up, though.)

She cheated on him pretty spectacularly at the end of the summer. There’s been geographical separation as they’re at separate unis but they’ll be in the same town when the term ends and I fear a Christmas re-coupling.

She’s also just an incredibly rude person, and it was taking lots of my energy just to let that go, let alone the cheating.

Oh I’d be having him over so I could keep my beady eyes on him and how he was treating my daughter

😬

Honestly he was an evil genius. My DB was grounded for months (rightly) for drinking at a party then driving his friends home, and sneaked out anyway.

DF organised him a “surprise party” for when he climbed back in the window, and was standing in his room with a banner saying “SURPRISE! Enjoy the bus, I’m selling your car” painted on an old bedsheet, and a party popper

Did he kiss someone or sleep with someone? I do t trust him but I’d be more include to give the appearance of the benefit of the doubt if it was a kiss at that age.

The thing that worries me is that your daughter is still worrying and doesn’t feel secure. It feels like a power imbalance that isn’t emotionally safe of healthy for her.

I think the risk you face is if they stay together that alienating him will in turn alienate her and then who has she got to go to if she wants to leave, if she needs some support? You run the risk of him becoming her whole world and then she’s stuck with the twat.

Let her know you think he doesn’t deserve her but you love and respect her and will tolerate him in the house if she wants you to. She needs to know you’re on her side.

Yep.

Wow you sound like a violent family. Disturbing.

You could do a pure devious move and manipulate the situation so she sees sense.

Haha, this is genius

You see I think these are natural reactions from the rest of the family towards a loved one who has been treated so badly..
I think he may be doing a bit of a number on her- all men cheat etc - playing mind games.
Obviously he doesn't sound a nice guy at all. I'd have concerns for your DD going forward.
If he comes round I'd let the DH/DS have a chat with him on their own if they want to and I think it's fine to be cool and somewhat unwelcoming to the little shit. I'd watch him like a hawk, leopards don't usually change their spots and I think you'll need to pick up the pieces again.

You could try the opposite. My aunt and uncle hated one of their (5!) daughters' boyfriend, as did all the family. They killed him with kindness, invited him to every family event etc until the daughter saw for herself that he really didn't "fit in" with their family and dumped him. She realised she was worth more. Might work? Certainly better than potentially alienating your daughter and losing her.

You have to accept him or risk losing your daughter.

She's being forced to choose between the two timing arsehole she loves and has forgiven, and her parents.

You may not win.

It would have been better to sort this out years ago rather than let it fester.

A quick 'don't you ever cheat on my daughter again or I'll kick your head in" at the time follows by forgiveness and acceptance would have been my road. It's too late to say that now. And, as it's been at least a year, he's not cheated again so has proven he can be loyal.

You and her siblings need to but out of her business. Perhaps have him round next week or something and that'll let you see him again and reassess the situation re Christmas. Even later on on Christmas Day 'for pudding'. You may surprise yourself.

Remember it's about what she wants. Not what you want.
She's the one you want to be happy. Even if he is a prick. But he may not be nowadays....

I’m on the fence here. In one hand I think you’re right to want to throttle him - he’s hurt your DD and doesn’t deserve her or your family but on the other hand she is an adult and needs to make her own mistakes and being full on will only drive her further into his arms.

I think you could have a proper conversation with your DD to say, I know you’ve forgiven him and are prepared to move on but I’m just not there yet. I support you in any decision you make to stay but he’s still not earnt the family trust which means he isn’t welcome at the Christmas table etc but maybe he can come to XXX (something outside the house).

You don't have to like him but at the moment your daughter has decided he is the one for her. I totally understand your attitude towards him and her relationship with him. Unfortunately, you have now created a situation, where if there was a problem, she's unlikely to tell you. She'd know all she'd hear is 'We told you so', 'Why did you stay with him' and she wouldn't want to hear it. I am speaking from experience, many years ago I was where your daughter is!! My parents made me feel I had to sneak around and be secretive, even though I was a grown adult. My parents were openly hostile at the mere mention of my boyfriend's name. You need to take a huge step back, and stop involving yourself - I know that's hard. It's her life and decision. No, you can't carry on banning him from the house, you will drive your daughter away (again I speak from experience). You're going to have to put your big girl pants on, bite your tongue and be polite and engaging. You can throw darts at an effigy in private later!!! In my situation, I realised myself what a rat my boyfriend was, even though it was glaringly obvious, and left of my own accord. Eventually your daughter will do the same, you just need to hang in there. In the meantime, you need her to feel he's accepted enough, that she will turn to you for help, when the time comes.

You are being ridiculous. It is none of your business. The way you are behaving will lead your dd to think twice about confiding in you in the future. They are only 20. You are over reacting.

I'm glad to read your last paragraph OP. You need to let this go. She needs to come to things in her own time and if you make the whole it's us against the world thing emotions go on, that might happen.

I’m not going into detail but I was in a similar situation at that age. My parents behaved the exact opposite to you. We’re very happily married, kids, my family adore him. Maybe it’s different because he is a genuinely great person who did a really stupid thing and my parents could see that.

As a previous poster has said, you don't want her to have to pick between you. Time to put on a poker face and accept him back.

Can I ask, because if does make a big difference, are we talking cheating as in kissing somebody else, or sleeping with somebody else? It does make a big difference here I think