To refuse to have DD’s boyfriend in the house because he CHEATED o

By banning him you make her secretive and if things turn shit she won't tell you. Your pushing her away.

I'm reading with interest as I have a very similar situation, my DS gf is a narcissistic liar who has caused problem after problem, just in the last 3 weeks caused issue with 3 people in my household, including his 82 yr old grandma yet my son still (head in the sand) insists she is allowed to come in the house as its his house too. Currently know we are in a no win situation as if we ban her from the house, she gets to play the victim that we are the baddies, or we let her in the house and there's no recourse to her attacking and causing argument, lying and manipulation with 3 members of my household. She ruins every single special event, this is the run up to Christmas. We know there will be more to come, but powerless to prevent it.

All you're doing is making life more difficult for your daughter.

I’d be straight with her, verbally abusing her when he’s also cheated?! I couldn’t help but strongly discourage the relationship, having him over would be a big no no.

Don’t see why you have to have him back over. You haven’t seen him since he cheated, you don’t need to have him over for Christmas.

I'm always mystified why women stay in relationships with scummy men when they don't live together/kids.
No ties, dump him.

Nope I wouldn't have him over. What a mug she is, hope she sees sense soon

Very sad that her bar is so low. Even at her age I would not have forgiven him.

Exactly.

If you deny him when she has forgiven him, ultimately you will deny her.

It's her choice, not yours to make.

I was in similar situation and your driving your dd to stay with him by banning him from the house and refusing to acknowledge their relationship. Even when I wanted to break up with bf I wouldn't admit it as I didn't want everyone saying they were right and why did I stay with him. It dragged relationship out longer than it should. If me parents had been neutral abut him I prob ably would gave confided in them and dumped his ass sooner

OP, this just makes you sound like a hysterical child. What mature, sensible adult wants to "smash his face in"? Your daughter would be better off moving out, tbh.

Stop judging, OP, because it makes you sound ridiculous. You daughter has chosen to forgive - rightly or wrongly, that is her choice. And let's not forget, forgiveness is one of the great Christian virtues, and it takes a lot of courage to do it. Why wouldn't you support your daughter? If you want to destroy your relationship with her, you're going the right way about it.

She’s far too young to be thinking about looking for somewhere to live with him and having children

I had to eventually start talking to somebody who cheated on a beloved family member. It took several years and the family member insisting on it so I do get where you're coming from. (ETA: they are still together and I still think my family member deserves better).

In this case, I think you all not talking to him (or having him in your house, etc) means he hasn't yet had to face the full consequences of what he did. Him being present but it not being the same as it used to be, even if you're all making an effort for your DD's sake, might be enough for HIM to decide to end it so he can find another GF where he can go back to thinking of himself as a decent person when he's with the new GF's family.

Edit: typo

Forget the boyfriend, of course you're going to dislike him. Kill him with kindness he isn't your concern.

Focus on your daughter and that relationship. Every action and conversation with her needs to give her the biggest message of we support you whatever. We will always be here for you whatever happens, forever. Whenever you can build her up. Keep tabs on her support around her hobbies,friends, life goals. The more she has a life outside of the boyfriend the less of a loss it is to lose him.He won't be her whole world.

The last thing you want is in years to come maybe she's with another abusive boyfriend or the abuse with this one continues/escalates. Maybe she lives with him and is pregnant. Feels trapped but doesn't want to come home to face you and feel like she's let you down.

I would have a heart to heart calm conversation with her. Not about splitting up, but explain that early life decisions we make can be very difficult, but the different outcomes need to be carefully considered. On the one hand she needs to ask herself how much she trusts him now. Enough to commit to him? To set up home with him? To have children with him? Does she want to make this her life. If all the answers are positive then so be it, that’s her life. It might work out ok. If there’s the slightest doubt, she needs to be honest, because messing up, lack of trust, being shackled to a life of mistrust, domestic drudgery, poorly thought about children is going to impact her for the rest of her life, and that of her children, and to whatever extent the rest of her family has to pitch in and help sort out the mess.
If she does choose to stay with him, then her first commitment is for them to find somewhere to live, neutral territory so that they can sort out their issues away from parents. I would be setting some boundaries in terms of visiting your home, what occurs with children come along, what sort of contact you might want to have. Tell her you don’t at this stage trust him, but if it’s what she wants, then she makes her choice and lives with it and it will be an arms length relationship until he regains your trust. Hopefully, it might work out, but it’s her choice, and if she is truly sensible, she will think long and hard. Her decision, but that decision is going to impact your lives as well, and she needs to know this.

I think this is a good opportunity to remind her of boundary setting. Your boundary in this is that your relationship with her doesn't change. Your relationship with her & the existence of a boyf doesn't change. Her talking to you about boyf (good, bad) doesn't change, you're still her confidant & safe place & you'll always listen & never judge.

But you don't want to see his stupid face in your home for the foreseeable future. Maybe one day, but not yet. He's still at risk of frozen potato wedges being wanged at his head ;)

She'd likely feel the same towards a bellend that did this to her best friend - love her unconditionally, will not tolerate him. It's not judging her, it's judging him.

Be lighthearted & honest about it. Point out that she is being true to herself & you HAVE to be true to yourself. To you he's committed the cardinal sin of hurting your child - that takes a loooong time to forgive.

I think this is a good plan if you can do it. Another thread where a woman in her early 20s thinks she wants to stay with her teen boyfriend. I had boyfriends at that age but I would have run a mile if there was a sniff of “settling down” together.

There are a lot of assumptions going on here - where is the evidence that he is controlling her?

He could be a really lovely young man who worships DD, but who made one very, very stupid, immature, drunken mistake.

Or he could be a thoughtless wanker who is always letting her down and the drunken shag is just the tip of the iceburg.

Both these scenarios are possible but the OP hasn't given enough information about the wider view of their relationship because it's all about the OP's feelings.

I can see my DH doing exactly this but he would probably do the potato wedges in Tesco thing too 😅

He’s undeniably a twat. But don’t create a situation where it’s them against the world. I think if you do this then it’s actually a lot less likely to run its course naturally. You don’t need to be his best friend but making her hide things from you actually pushes her more towards him.

As crap as it is you need to support her decision.

I wouldn’t worry about Christmas because if you and your family carry on she won’t be spending it at your house she’ll be spending it with him and his family. All you’re going to achieve is pushing her away. He didn’t cheat on you or your husband she chose to take him back so I think you really need to get over it.