To refuse to have DD’s boyfriend in the house because he CHEATED o

I don't think there is any point in banning him from the house because it will just force her to go elsewhere with him and which will push her further away from you.
Atm you need to be her safe people to pick it all up when it goes wrong again. As a family you need to make it clear you support her and there is nothing that could come between you, to him you need to play the nice card to show that you have given him every opportunity to redeem himself even if you don't mean it.

It must be so horrible to have seen her go through that and so awful to have to make small talk with him or welcome him back.
if you don’t though, it turns them into star crossed lovers , the more it’s forbidden the more she’ll want it . Also like others have said she might not feel she can turn to you or be honest with you if he’s totally ostracised. You can ease him back in and make it a bit more bearable for everyone without it being completely condoned.

I would not enable the ease of such a relationship. I wouldn't let him in. I would tell my daughter that while those may be her standards- They are not yours and you will not be made to feel anger and uncomfortable in your own home, by being made to put up with someone who seriously hurt your child and caused them a lot of distress.

Sorry OP, but it's not your business. DD has decided to take him back and it's her life. You'll be around to support her if it goes wrong again.

I understand your feelings, but she is an adult and able to make her own decisions. You say you brought her up to be feisty and independence, well she's used that independence to pick him.

Do I agree with her choice? No. Do I think its a good idea? No.

But if you make this about your feelings you do risk pushing her away and make her be stubborn about this. If she realises he's a pig she might stay for fear of an I told you so. I welcome him in, choke on my disgust and have him where I can keep an eye on him. Because if this is who he is it'll happen again and she will need to feel able to come to you without judgment. Alternatively he may have made a hideous mistake and be desperate to mend bridges but you'll only know if you let him in.

This happened to a friend of mine, twice your DDs age and no ties. She took him back after the cheating, her parents said they didn't want him in their house. She brings him along to family events and they say hi but no chummy chatting. It's been over a year now and I'm not sure if he's still not welcome in their home. She's dropped a number of friends including myself so not sure what's happening.

This! also you don’t want her thinking if she comes to you with a problem it will be all “ I told you so” it might make her stay with him when she doesn’t want to .
she needs to know you have her back even if you don’t like her partner. Personally I would be polite to him and keep your opinions to yourself for now. Don’t criticise him to your dd either

I think situations like this is when they saying "keep your friends close, but your enemies closer" is good advice.

What if they get married and he decides he doesn't want you at the wedding, or you refuse to go doesn't let you in the house, when they've had children?

I'd invite him round and let him know I was watching him closely, but I have a reputation of being a bit scary with my DCs friends that I don't like.

Did you post about this at the time?
You're actually pushing her closer to him by shunning him.

I think you have to decide what you do more, hate him or love her.

He's hurt your DD, I'd be mightily pissed off too, you don't need to like him, you don't need to accept any feeble apology he comes away with and he doesn't need to be invited to family events but you do need to accept that this is your DD's decision to stay with him and stop criticising her for making it.
The last thing you want to happen is her having to choose between yous, it might not end the way you wish

I have been in a similar situation except I was older and married with children. My parents were obviously very upset but handled it really well. They had words with him and from then on carried on as normal. Friends who didn't agree with me taking him back (and told me quite vociferously) have gradually drifted out of my life.

I understand how awful it must be for you and I would hate for my DC to ever be in the same situation. But had my mum acted the same as my friends I can see that I would have distanced myself from her too. So all you are doing is creating distance between you which may result in her not turning to you in the future should she need to.

I would have one heart to heart conversation where you lay your cards on the table to DD how it's not ok to be cheated on in a relationship and how she deserves better. You'll agree to let him come over, but you don't need to be his friend. You're tolerating him coming over and being civil to him because you love your daughter, not because you think he's a good boyfriend.

Agreed. This was what happened to me too. My parents reaction made it harder to leave.

This. Because she won't pick you.

I agree with you. You don't know that they will be together in a few years or that they will have children. He might cheat again and DD will finally get rid. Or she'll wake up and find someone better. Stop thinking about ifs and buts on what the future might bring Right now you can't stand him, it's your house and you decide who you want in your home. End of

Ah but……..she’s not living in her own house, on her own terms with this creep. She’s at home, sounding very very young, emotionally distressed, dare I say putting up what she thinks is a brave front, totally naïve about the distress she is making for the loved ones around her. She’s either old enough to make her own decisions, in which case, ta ta off you go, see how it works out, please don’t get pregnant, we will always be here for you, or, think really carefully about the impact this is having on her, on her parents, on the rest of her life. Why shackle your hopes on a proven scumbag first time round🤷‍♀️ Get out while the going is good, as any intelligent, free thinking, wised up individual would do.

Is she on MN? Maybe that is where she has heard ‘all men do it’ as that seems to be the MN standard

Other people have answered the majority of your post far better than I could @BusyOnMyPhone , but I just wanted to address this.

"I don’t believe he’d have been able to do it if he was as drunk as he said - brewers droop"

As someone with the required equipment, alcohol does not affect things in the way your implying for all men, in fact for some it has the opposite effect.

I make no judgement on whether your daughters boyfriend was capable of consent or not, it's more likely that he just fancied a shag, but noone on this post has enough info to know really. But an erection is not proof of consent.

Could you pay for her to have some individual counselling to improve her self esteem? She clearly doesn’t have the confidence to think she can do better.

I would be upset if it was my daughter in this situation but ultimately I would respect her decisions. It is her relationship, not yours, so she gets to set the parameters.

She's not.
Speaking from experience. I'm the daughter in the situation.

Come on, it's not. If you accept someone into your home you need to be at least civil. This kind of behaviour could alienate both of them.

I have been in her situation and it's crippling to be living a separate life

Would you meet with him and tell him exactly how you feel in order to try and move forward even if civil rather than forgiving

Don't have him in your house.
In my younger day, my 3 yr old partner created and my parents said he was no longer allowed in the house!
Best thing they done.

It's up to her unfortunately, she's an adult. You have to let her make her own decisions and mistakes. All you can do it make sure she knows you will be there for her if he does it again and that she absolutely doesn't need to put up with bad behaviour from him.
The way you're behaving now is more likely to drive her away and end up with her distancing herself from you which isn't what you want because she won't turn to you for help if he hurts her again.