To refuse to have DD’s boyfriend in the house because he CHEATED o

You’ve said yourself that your (justified) feelings towards him and your subsequent choice of action has led to her being secretive about her relationship with him. I suppose the question you have to ask yourself is whether this is what you want for her.

She seems to have chosen, for now at least, to stay with him. You can’t change that so all you can control is how you respond and the impact this has on your relationship with your daughter. I think given the potential for her to be badly hurt by this asshole in the future would make me inclined to appear more accepting in the short term, so that she knows she can talk to you and isn’t feeling torn or like she has to hide things from you.

Up to her if she wants to be trampled all over by this cheater and she will accept living in constant fear of him doing it again, because as you well know he will. Doesn't mean you have to forgive him for hurting your DD. Doesn't mean you have to have him in your home. Just be there to pick up the pieces when he breaks her.

bless you, OP so difficult I’ve been where you’re at,
my thought was have nothing to do with him. He’s a controlling abusive arsehole however having taken advice, keeping my child close to me and the conversation flowing not judging her but understanding and letting her make her own decision in her own time has paid off.
if you banned him from your house, it gives him more of an opportunity to isolate and control her. Keep your door open and your mouth shut would be my advice. She knows what you think.,
hopefully, she’ll come to her senses really soon but right now she needs you in her team. Don’t judge her. Just love her hard I
know
when she comes to her own realisation, she will hopefully not make such bad choices. It’s a life lesson stand by her side..

Urgh what a vile piece of shit. I dont know OP - i dont know if i could ever get over someone who did that to my daughter, and i would absolutely want to dig a hole and crawl into it forever if my son ever did that.

Your daughter is already keeping her relationship quiet and will feel unable to talk to you about any issues because, as others have said, she fears the ‘I told you so’. This may inadvertently keep her in the relationship longer because she doesn’t want to admit it has gone wrong. She is an adult and you have to let her make her own mistakes, thus isn’t for you to decide. She will find her way and she will be ok. You have to find away to forgive or pretend to forgive, everyone deserves a second chance.

She is right in saying a lot of men cheat. Myself and all my friends have been cheated on. He’s a young guy too and they get carried away. I could never condone cheating but it doesn’t mean he is a bad person, he just did a bad thing. I suspect a lot men and women you know will have cheated when they were younger. I think when people are very young they don’t understand the impact until it has until afterwards.

I also had a shitbag boyfriend when I was young. I hid stuff from my parents so they wouldn't hate him....

If my parents pushed him out I would have pushed further away too. Sad but true.

In your shoes I would yell my daughter that I will tolerate him but he has hurt my baby and he can't change that.

I would also get her some therapy as she needs someone not involved to really talk to

Tell her about chumplady.com. If the good folks there can't smarten her up about this loser, nobody can.
I feel for you. What a position to be in. YANBU to resent including him.

You are very invested in another adult's life. My daughter in her early 20s lives away from home and what she does and who she chooses to be with is none of my business. Let her choose and be loving and supportive for her. That's it. Find something else to think about.

I have young adult children too. I think you are over involved here and it’s her life. I don’t believe the once a cheater, always a cheater though. I think people can regret something and not do it again.

Maybe have him round and have the conversation it's on the table then. You don't want your DC to distance herself as if something did happen again or she got pregnant she may not tell you or cut you off.

Right now, he's "only" a cheat.

If you hold your ground and refuse to be around him, she's going to spend more and more time not around you because she'll be with him. That could end up with him isolating her from you and behaving even worse, knowing she doesn't feel able to talk to her support network.

I'd grin and bear it, and I'd work on boosting her confidence in the hope that she works out for herself soon that she can do better than a loser like that...

Bide your time. I hate him too, and I haven't even met him. But you have to be smart about how you interact with him, for her sake.

You know the saying... Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer. Short term pain, hopefully longer term gain. A leopard can't change it's spots.

FWIW the fastest way to force them together is to be like this.

Once a cheat, always a cheat and he will screw up again in the end. Be there to support her when he does but given their age and the circumstances this doesnt feel like it has much in the way of long term legs. Be as neutral as you can and in the end it will die... On the other hand, if you make a big deal of this it will just force them together

They're early 20s - people do stupid things in their youth, and many of us were cheated on in those days. Or cheated ourselves..... Wild oats and too young to settle down, etc.

It was horrible that she found him and had to deal with that - but she won't be the first!

I had a BF from 17 to 27, and loved him to bits. He cheated regularly and I had a few moments myself (mostly during a break). We moved on but are still friendly 30 years later. If you aren't married and are very young, then maybe fidelity isn't always on the cards....

At the end of the day it's your DD's decision - if she is OK then you have to suck it up. She may move on in time - or they may get married and be together forever! Either way - you need to be supportive, not judge him, and accept her decision. The guy might be absolutely mortified and perfect for her for the rest of their lives. Or he could be a complete pig - but that needs to be her choice.

He’s also been verbally abusive to her and called her names on occasion since this happened.

We’ve told her he knows he can get away with anything now.

Wow, you'd have thought that vital nugget of information would be in the OP......

Slightly different but related situation here, my daughter is friends again with a couple of girls who treated her appallingly. I used to get on really well with them and they were here quite a lot. We had one chat about her protecting herself against a repeat performance and that was the extent of my involvement. When she talks about them I bite my tongue, if I see them, I'm polite, or she wants them over, I'll be the gracious host.

This hopefully means when she gets burned again, she will again turn to us for help and support. She's only 15 yet I understand she has the right to befriend whoever she wishes and my only role is to guide and support. The last thing I want is for a bad situation to feel worse for her if they drop her again AND she has to feel like a failure because her parents told her this would happen.

I certainly will do the same when she is an adult.

Hope you're getting her some therapy sessions for Christmas.

I'm sorry your daughter had to go through that, but once a cheat always a cheat. My sister's partner has cheated on her through their entire relationship, but she never believed it until she finally physically caught him herself. Unfortunately, he literally has no family and has health issues, and is a great dad to their teenage daughter and grown up daughter, so she won't kick him out. But, she no longer takes any crap from him, and they don't have any kind physical/loving relationship (he sleeps downstairs now).

I think you should see him and hear his apology.

He hurt you, by hurting your daughter, because you love her.

I think this would go a long way in healing things. Especially if your and DH said things to him in a certain way.

I'm a Therapist and deal with infidelity a lot. I do see some really remorseful cheaters.
Feel free to DM me.

I hope this is a joke

Awful situation OP.
No advice because I wouldn't want him near her or my home again.
He sounds like scum.
Just keep telling her you are always there for her.
He is abusive so I really wouldn't want him near the house.
Encourage her to bullet proof her contraception.
Look at doing the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk with her.
It might help her build her boundaries.

I would invite him to come over but you and your DH and her brothers need to be there on mass, then separate him from her for " little chat" and make it very clear that it be steps out of line again you will hunt him down and he will be leaving that encounter with a new necklace😡

Hi op,

It is like dreading! Could literally be easy anyone who has to put up with this…

If you refuse, you will strenghten the relationship.
If you agree, well, noone has a good Xmas.

Surely Xmas is not the first time you would “resee him”. That isn’t how she needs to do. Try and have him before and put boundaries down : we will have him this year from.. to … and then He needs to fo home. She might disagree and put up a fight but you agreed to her terms, she needs to agree to yours.

Good luck 🌺

You need to invite him back into the fold so you can plot his demise most effectively. He needs a nice comfortable false sense of security in order to reveal his true colours again.

If this was my daughter I would say I'm disappointed in him but my concern is for her.

I would be wondering what has happened that she thinks this is all she is worth.

I would welcome him back. Kill him with kindness, and by that I mean be cordial and polite, see if he does say sorry. If he's calling her names since the cheating then he really is a bigger shit. But this might be her forever. Are your principles more important than seeing her and her children should she have any?