To refuse to have DD’s boyfriend in the house because he CHEATED o

We have this with our ds girlfriend. She's basically alienated him from us. Now we have to accept her and keep our mouths shout or we would never see him. We hardly see him anyway but we'd never see him

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer! I remember my mum being exactly the same with me and my first love (who was also a cheating twat). But I knew it all and I'd be damned if I was to be apart from him. Ahh, hindsight, life experience and getting older are a truly wonderful combination. Turns out, I grew to see him for what he was and when I did, the only person I wanted was my mum. Be there for her, not for him. Life teaches us so many lessons, in the wrong order mostly! As a mum of 2 girls now, I know I'd be just like my own mum if I was faced with this situation again. He may be enjoying the fact that you are pushing her away and into his arms, although you may not mean to x

I think you need to suck it up to be honest and just be there for your DD. Maybe it was a one off and he won’t do it again but you risk ostracising DD and giving her nowhere to turn if he cheats again. Yes I’d want to punch him too but do it for your DD and not for him

Does she gaslight and call him names in regards to the incident?

A dear friend of mine cheated in her relationship when she was quite young. It was a hideous mistake which she has always regretted. She's been happily married to the same man for over 20 years. We all make mistakes. If she can move past it, I think you need to try and do the same or risk your relationship with her.

Is it possible though that he is very young and made a stupid mistake that he won't make again? That does happen you know. I snogged a few people when I was in my early twenties when I had a boyfriend and it didn't make me a cheating twat for life. You sound very very involved in your daughters love life and if anything, you being judgemental will drive her towards him, not away. You say she is secretive - if she feels you will be nasty about someone she loves and judgemental that will continue. If he is a cheating horrible person and will continue to be so, then you need to stay in her life so she doesn't isolate herself and move in with him etc. She is at the age to make mistakes and learn from them. You can't stop it, but you can make sure you are there to help her pick up the pieces.

All you’re doing is pushing her away.

What a difficult position. I can understand where you are coming from you don’t want to spend time or money on someone who is not treating your dc well.
What does your dc want? It can’t go back to how it was before.
I think my line would be I don’t want to spend my time with people I dislike. I’ll tolerate him if our paths cross for your sake.

I wouldn't have him in my home either. Make him see that actions have consequences and he won't be accepted back so easily - if DD doesn't see that she should be valued, this will at least send the message from somewhere else.

Nope. My DD walks on him fucking another girl and he gaslights her and is verbally abusive toward her afterward—he’s not welcome in my home to ruin Christmas for me, DH, and other DCs. No way.

Just had the idea to read all the OP posts instead of the full thread, and seen the updates about what a clearly horrendous person he is!! Changes my response a bit that he's been verbally abusive and tried to blame the other woman - I understand you wanting to protect her. Very awkward position for you to be in OP.

OP I am so sorry your DD and family are going through this. Your DD is making excuses for his behaviour so saying all men cheat, all men look at the menu etc it's sad that this is her way of dealing with this. Perhaps therapy would be beneficial for her to go through her feelings and fears in a way that will give her the tools to deal with this.
She knows he is not good for her but she is also choosing to allow him to treat her poorly.
Actions prove more than words, have her friends had her back over the cheating? She sounds stubborn and wants to prove he is decent problem is he is not.
Keep calm at some point she will see through the bullshit also keep your friends close and your enemies closer I would make that horrors life hell, reel him in and destroy him. Wait until DD leaves him alone with you and tell him you will never accept a pathetic little boy who cannot keep it in his pants. Make him so uncomfortable he squirms and dreads seeing you. Be smart about it. DD deserves better and it's up to you to kick his arse to the curb. Push into every activity never give him the chance to say anything remotely derogatory about her.

I haven't read the full thread, but I actually think you're showing your daughter a lack of respect here. She's made her own decision as an adult, and even though you don't agree I don't think making her feel awkward about it is very nice for her. It's not up to you, and if another adult tried to force their opinion on me like that I wouldn't be too happy and I certainly wouldn't feel supported. I know it's more complicated because she's your daughter, but I think you should show her that you respect her choices and are there for her. Even though he's clearly a piece of shit.

Think you need to grow up. You are not incharge of your DD so butt out. The more you have maligned him the more she will be for him. You cannot live her life for her. You need to get on with your lives and let her, as she is an adult get on with hers.

You can have him round to your house but as another poster said..don't roll out the red carpet.
Be icily polite.Thats all

Tough one OP. You're right about him but unfortunately, you can't change DD's mind for her. She needs to come to her own conclusions. I think best to keep your DD close, and if that means letting him come to your home, then so be it. He's surely aware of your feelings so hopefully he'll keep his visits to the minimum. And I don't think it will be long until he's caught again so be patient. In the meantime, I'd be trying to introduce DD to someone who could turn her head.

Accept him and show to your girl that it's her choice the more you resent him the more she would want to be with him.We don't want to eat uncovered leftovers we only crave what we can't get.She is too young eventually she would see it herself.

This might be a keep your enemies closer situation. If you alienate him and thus alienate your daughter somewhat, she may not turn to you if she needs your support. She mayeel fear an I told you so would be imminent and you want her to feel welcome and able to come to you when he almost inevitably fucks up again.

Definitely this. You say unforgivable, but she's obviously decided to forgive him. My parents never liked any of my boyfriends but put up with them for me.

You will risk alienating her and then you won't know what's going on. He may cheat again or he may not. Regardless of what is written on MN constantly, sometimes it IS just a one-off.

Oh no this is very tricky and so sad for her!
You can’t make her decisions for her and it is her life, but you can set boundaries around your life and your home so it would be completely understandable for you to say to your daughter ‘ok, if you decide to stay with him it’s up to you, we can’t agree but we’ll always be here to support you. However we can’t have him under our roof after what he’s done’. I think that’s fair. You’re entitled to feel comfortable in your own home. The worry is of course this will probably push her away and you’re less likely to be able to keep an eye on her. But she’s an adult and if she was living elsewhere you’d only know so much about her life anyway.
Young people can be impulsive and make mistakes and who knows maybe over time this will will prove to have been a horrible mistake and in future you’ll feel more able to tolerate or even accept him. That seems unlikely though. In which case you can only talk talk talk to her as much as you can and help her see she is worth more than him and hopefully she’ll see the light sooner rather than later

What if you said he could come round for dinner with you, her dad and her two big brothers? I’m betting he wouldn’t dare come and so that could work to the benefit of her seeing what a prick he is.
if he does come, under no circumstances should you say it’s in the past but actually say to his face, we haven’t invited you before because you really hurt our daughter and then say nothing else. Let him fill the silence. You’ll get a measure of him then. But I’m willing to bet he won’t sit round a table for dinner with her dad and brothers. Then she may see him as the awkward one.

OP you're anger issues sound worrying if you want to "smash his face in". He hasn't physically abused her, he's cheated which isn't great and doesn't bode well for the future but unfortunately this stuff happens. In the majority of relationships at some point, it happens. I know I wouldn't forgive infidelity now from a partner but in the past at times I have and at times I have just ended things.

If I were you I would just take a step back at this point, you've made your views clear. He knows you don't approve of him but it's your daughter's decision to keep him in her life and all you should do is advise her and be a listening ear. Don't push her away.

This is her choice, not yours. You need to take a step back. You don't have to like him, but you do have to be civil.

Likely you being so against the relationship may also be pushing them together, them against you. Maybe if that wasn’t clouding her judgement she may see things for what they are.

It not your place to forgive him, your daughter has already done that.
its down to you to support her, and with that comes accepting that he is a part of her life.
of you don’t accept him now then you risk her choosing between the two of you or even choosing not to turn to you if he hurts her again.
both of which are shot situations.