to think solo train travel is not a big deal for most adults?

Don’t be ridiculous, agreeing to sit next to someone on a train is totally different to agreeing to do half the driving.

I think she just wanted to hang out with you because 5 hours is a long journey

I would be miffed with this too, but I wouldn’t have shown it, purely as I don’t like confrontation. I will drive anywhere, through the busiest cities I’ve never been to, talk in front of a crowd of hundreds, get planes by myself etc but I never use public transport and if I had to make a long train journey with changes, I would panic, feel V anxious and prefer to do this with someone else.

Whereas friends who always catch trains or the tube here there and everywhere would panic at the thought of having to drive places they’re not familiar with.

If you were someone hated public speaking and were meant to give a presentation with a colleague to bounce off and stand by your side, and they suddenly pulled out, of course you would feel even more anxious.

I get that train travel isn’t something I should be scared of, but I’m not familiar with it and it’s unreasonable to assume everyone is. However I would have made it V clear with you at the start that I wanted us to travel together as I didn’t feel comfortable travelling on my own.

I think this is a very good point. If you'd agreed to share the driving together, and she had then changed her mind and said 'I'll just meet you there?' would you have been annoyed? Then if she had jumped on MN to say 'No idea why OP is so annoyed after all it's still the same journey?' would you have pointed out 'No, it's actually much less stressful and tiring if you've got someone else to check the directions/talk to/do half the driving, I wish you'd told me this in advance and I would have been able to book a cheap train ticket.'

Everyone finds different things nerve wracking, OP's 'train journeys are nothing to be scared of,' could be the friend's 'why are you so pathetic to be afraid of spiders?'

Obviously there will always be some people who find things like solo train travel difficult, but it's certainly not a big deal for most adults and I think it's pretty reasonable to assume that being capable of catching a train alone is the default setting for the average adult.

So you made plans with her, backed out, changed your plans to suit yourself and then shes the bad guy>

Typical MN victim mentality

This friend clearly has anxiety. I find this thread in very poor taste that a friend of 25 years would set up this thread

You are not a friend

But presumably you would have shared that at planning time, rather than agreeing which train to catch with your friend?

I have spent the last forty five years occasionally travelling by trains. Short, long and overnight journeys, sleepers from London. Never bothered me one little bit, in fact it’s an adventure I love.

If your friend has issues around being alone, then perhaps she should have mentioned it, likewise, any chance either of you might have to change your plans perhaps should have been mentioned. But I would say your friend has confidence issues if she has re bought tickets. That’s not really your fault. I hope you can still enjoy your time together.

OMG I'd be delighted!! I can't imagine the horror of being trapped on a train with a firend for 5 hours... All that talking!!!!!!

what an arrogant and privileged attitude
trains in this country are extortionately priced compared to most of the world
The cost of 2 advance singles to London from my nearest station is £52. The cost of an open return is £281. That's a 1.45 journey with no changes, the difference between OP's 5 hour, several change journey could be way more, and OP does specify that the change was at 'great expense' to her friend.

If someone has specifically agreed they are able and willing to catch a train at a specific time it is completely normal and financially prudent to then buy a ticket for that specific time, not 'ridiculously rigid.'

If OP had had the decency to say 'I can aim for this time but things can change last minute with my work so I might have to go for a different one,' then the friend might also have bought an open return, or decided to go for a different method of transport if she knew there was the possibility she'd be travelling alone. OP didn't suggest that was an option, sounds like she just said said '8:30 is fine for me, let's book that' so it's completely understandable that the friend took her at her word and booked a ticket for 8:30!

(or whenever)

Maybe she’s been traumatised by watching ‘The 4.50 from Paddington’ (Agatha Christie) where two trains pass in the night, and a woman in one train sees a woman being strangled in the other as it passes….😱
(😂)

I am happy to get a train myself but if you have arranged to travel with someone its a bit rude to change unless its a real emergency. I would be pissed off too.

I think that's right. If this were a plan to, say, meet up for a meal or a concert or something, changing the plan would be off because you'd have to cancel and rearrange which causes much more faff. This is just a plan to travel at the same time to a destination where those concerned will meet up anyway. On a five hour journey, surely the whole thing is pretty casual and the expectation is that both parties will be whiling away at least some of the time sleeping/reading/ working - i.e. not devoting all their attention to the other person's company. I suspect it was just a loose plan, along the lines of "We're both travelling by train, I guess it might be good to aim for the same one?" rather than "What a wonderful opportunity for us to meet, that makes all the difference to the journey."

That’s literally the point of the enquiry.

For many people changing a plan to sit with someone on a train is not a big deal and therefore not shitty.

Once again, it's not about the train journey, is it? It doesn't matter if the friend is a nervous little mouse who's scared of the Choo Choo or the man in seat 61 himself.

It's about making a plan and cancelling it, which is a shitty thing to do to a friend.

This. When I travel for work and my finishing time can vary between 3 pm and 7 pm, I always buy a flexi ticket.

Last time I went on a city break, the cost of a flexi ticket was literally 3 times that of a fixed time ticket. I bought the fixed ticket and saved over £100. I would say it’s unusual to buy a flexi ticket when you know timings - it’s just throwing money away.

The fact the OP did buy a flexi ticket in my view means she knew from the start she might not be travelling on a particular train despite arranging with her friend to do so. There is nothing wrong with being flexible if that’s what you (general you, not a particular poster) want but you need to tell your travelling companions. Otherwise, they will assume they can believe you when you agree to arrangements which results in situations like this.

Bloody hell, can’t believe people are still banging in about whether or not the friend was unreasonable to have some sort of anxiety about travelling!

OP did not suggest that her friend was unreasonable.

She asked if it was reasonable for her to have assumed that most people don’t have an issue with travelling alone.

(In the friend’s shoes I’d have been delighted to find out I was travelling alone, can’t think of anything worse than having to make conversation with someone else in an enclosed space for 5 hours, no matter how much I liked them. Only people I am happy to travel with are husband and son. Doesn’t make either of us wrong, I imagine that most people are somewhere in the middle).

I think that you and others here are making a lot of assumptions - she may have a very good reason for being scared to travel alone. Some years ago - and quite a few years after we became friends - my best friend and I went on holiday together. It was touring and one of the hotels we stayed at had a lot of room renovation going on so the group was dispersed into different parts of the hotel. She went into a complete meltdown. I couldn't figure out what was the problem. It was then that she told me she had been raped at the age of 16, and decades later she had literally never told anyone but still had enormous fear about it. To all intents and purpose she was and is a strong person with lots of confidence - but that isn't her inside.

I think that if you made an agreement to travel then you were somewhat unreasonable to change your mind so late in the day. It might have been fairer to at least check if she was ok about the change before you did it.

With the ridiculously differing prices it's more normal to buy specific tickets.

Recent trip to London was £70 specific, or between £120-200 flexible.

Maybe the friend doesn't use trains so didn't know this. So it would of been nice for op to explain that's what she's doing and the friend would of likely done the same

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to have changed your plans or not to have it occurred to you that she might struggle. She hasn’t told you she struggles; how were you supposed to know? But now you do know, so you can make the decision whether to accommodate her or avoid travelling with her again.

Lots of people are perfectly happy and confident travelling with someone else they perceive as knowing what they’re doing. Even if they aren’t relying on that person at all, just having a second person to make sure you don’t end up in Cornwall when you’re trying to get to Scotland is reassuring. The same journey by themselves would terrify them. I think it’s quite common.

Normal to buy an anytime ticket -ridiculously rigid to buy a specific train unless you are prepared to buy another if plans change.

I would have no issue with the solo travel from an anxiety perspective.

However, I’d have been annoyed in your friend’s shoes if I could have travelled with other guests but didn’t because of going with you… only for you to change plans. A 5 hour journey is a lot more fun with a friend than solo. Could that have been part of the reason?

Also, whilst train travel doesn’t make me anxious, long drives do, and I notice that neither of you wanted to drive. So I think you have to accept that different people find different things scary.

It wasn't even that she was told the day before that she had more work to do - she "realised" she had more work to do, which implies to me that she knew beforehand how much work she had to do, she just hadn't planned her time in order to leave on time.

It sounds like she booked the anytime ticket in order not to have to plan her work to leave at a specific time. Which is fine but then don't set and agree a time with someone else - tell them that you can't commit to a specific time but will try and join them if possible

Op was told the day before so wasnt an emergency, she had bought a flexi ticket knowing this was a possibility so why didn't she tell her friend so her friend could of done the same. Op should of told work sorry I have plans so can't stay late. After reading this thread can you not see why people don't like sharing this stuff. Pathetic, wet lettuce and the million other things people on this thread have called people who hidden disabilities. It also shouldn't have needed to be said as friends shouldn't flake on people unless it's an emergency, which it isn't.