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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think living at home at 27 isn’t shameful?

108 replies

Isthismykarma · 09/11/2024 15:29

I’m 27. I did everything right that they tell you to. Moved back home after uni to save up a deposit, both my partner and I took on second seasonal jobs working weekends to save up, moved to a cheaper area to afford the house prices, took advantage of government buying schemes etc. We even didn’t buy takeaway coffee and avocados!
Fastforward a couple of years and we’ve broken up due to his infidelity. I never saw it coming so couldn’t have prevented this. The house sale is going through, I will barely get a couple of grand out of the sale, I could never afford to buy somewhere new on my own. No equity was built. So I’m now 27, back in my mums box room with nothing to show for it.
She’s happy to have me, we both have more of a housemates arrangement and enjoy the company. She hates living alone and so do I. She enjoys the rent money from me too. E Renting a one bed flat would see most of my wage swallowed up each month, I think I’d be borderline living in poverty, no spare cash for holidays nights out or saving. I could stay at my mums maybe a couple of more years and get a good chunk of savings back together, if I meet someone again maybe buy with them, if not then maybe move out at about 29/30 so I have a chunk that I could use as a deposit if I ever was in the position to buy again.
veryone keeps asking me what my next steps are and to be honest I don’t see the rush yet. AIBU to not wanting to be moving back out straight away and just wanting to be back in the family home for maybe a couple of years? Does this make me a bit of a non-starter? I just feel like I did everything right and it got me nowhere lol

OP posts:
caringcarer · 09/11/2024 15:54

If you were my my DD I'd be so proud of you OP. You worked hard on 2 jobs, saved and bought a house. You couldn't have known your partner was a cheating rat. You had the good sense to throw him back. You've made the best of the situation sold the house and moved back with your Mum. She enjoys your company and it will be cheaper for you to save again. The arrangement benefits you both. Next time you'll pick your partner more carefully. My eldest DS didn't leave home until he was 33 and could buy and he moved to a cheaper area too. My younger DS moved out when he was 27 to buy his house. They were both good company and did their fair share around the house. My youngest DS is a fabulous cook. Take your time and don't be in a rush to move out until you're sure you are ready.

allaboutsign · 09/11/2024 15:53

Isthismykarma · 09/11/2024 15:52

I guess everyone is different! It was better than living at home, and cheaper than paying market rent so had more money for fun stuff. Obviously it ended up being with the wrong person, but I loved having my own lovely space and also the advantage of extra cash from not having to rent for holidays and nights out with my friends.

definitely more common up north

Bizarred · 09/11/2024 15:53

Not shameful. If you both enjoy each other's company, why on earth not?!

Some of us don't have mums who we'd feel comfortable going on holiday with, let alone living with, but that's not your situation (happily for you) so ignore any snide comments.

allaboutsign · 09/11/2024 15:53

i’d distance yourself from that “friend” and family member

and work… i doubt this person really cares so i just wouldn’t mention again

Isthismykarma · 09/11/2024 15:52

allaboutsign · 09/11/2024 15:50

the idea of buying a property and settling down at 24 would have been SO unappealing to me

and same with my DC

I guess everyone is different! It was better than living at home, and cheaper than paying market rent so had more money for fun stuff. Obviously it ended up being with the wrong person, but I loved having my own lovely space and also the advantage of extra cash from not having to rent for holidays and nights out with my friends.

OP posts:
LetsRedecorate · 09/11/2024 15:51

I left home at 18 and wouldn’t have felt comfortable moving back. My DC moved in with their partner at 24. I’ve said his home is always here if he wants or needs to come back and I stand by that. We often go away together and we get along well. If DC said they wanted to come home and save for a deposit (with their partner or by themself) I’d welcome them. They’re renting at moment and I know they couldn’t afford to save for a deposit.

You get along with your mum and that’s lovely - she will enjoy having you there. And life is for living - no one wants to spend every last penny on bills and not be able to even afford a bottle of wine at the weekend or a night out. The people who make comments to you about your living arrangements are bitter and jealous.

One day you’ll look back on this extra time living with your mum and you’ll be really glad that you had it. For however long it lasts - enjoy it.

allaboutsign · 09/11/2024 15:50

the idea of buying a property and settling down at 24 would have been SO unappealing to me

and same with my DC

Isthismykarma · 09/11/2024 15:48

DoYouReally · 09/11/2024 15:46

I think you are looking at it wrong.

You have an opportunity to build up saving ti start again, an opportunity most people would love to have.

It'd fantastic that you can do this and have a great relationship with your mum.

There's zero judgment from most decent people.

Definitely! I feel so lucky every day for all of the help I’ve had, I wouldn’t have made it through this past year without my family.
I lost what I thought was a lovely partner, my car, my house and all the stuff in it, it was a nasty shock and starting again has been demoralising but I understand not everyone has the incredible support system I do.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 09/11/2024 15:47

No shame in living at home at any age IMO ,

DoYouReally · 09/11/2024 15:46

I think you are looking at it wrong.

You have an opportunity to build up saving ti start again, an opportunity most people would love to have.

It'd fantastic that you can do this and have a great relationship with your mum.

There's zero judgment from most decent people.

Isthismykarma · 09/11/2024 15:45

Thingamebobwotsit · 09/11/2024 15:42

Just to add... stop being hard on yourself. The line about not foreseeing or preventing your partners infidelity made me cry a little on the inside.

It's all on him sweetie. Not you. And living with folks while you get your savings back up is perfectly normal.

Focus on yourself for a bit and try and find ways of not judging yourself for other people's views and actions.

Thank you, this is a very kind message!

OP posts:
Isthismykarma · 09/11/2024 15:45

Joycedelight · 09/11/2024 15:43

I'm the same. I moved out at 19 and would never move back in with parents. I guess it's different priorities. I prioritise independence. I could happily sit in my own home on my own with no spare money for holidays etc than live with parents and being able to holiday etc.

This is what people have said “do you not want to be independent?”. I don’t feel any less independent in honesty. My day to day living is still the same except it isn’t my name on the rent book I guess.

OP posts:
Joycedelight · 09/11/2024 15:43

CrazyCatLady008 · 09/11/2024 15:37

Personally Im only a few years older than you. I moved out at 19 and could never of moved back home I prefer my independence (and yes I have a good relationship with my folks!)

But you do you. The price of everything nowadays is sickening.

I'm the same. I moved out at 19 and would never move back in with parents. I guess it's different priorities. I prioritise independence. I could happily sit in my own home on my own with no spare money for holidays etc than live with parents and being able to holiday etc.

Thingamebobwotsit · 09/11/2024 15:42

Just to add... stop being hard on yourself. The line about not foreseeing or preventing your partners infidelity made me cry a little on the inside.

It's all on him sweetie. Not you. And living with folks while you get your savings back up is perfectly normal.

Focus on yourself for a bit and try and find ways of not judging yourself for other people's views and actions.

Autumnal589 · 09/11/2024 15:41

Try being 39 and still living at home. Get judged so much it's unreal.
I'm not lucky enough to have a partner who pays the mortgage, or lucky enough to have good health. I hate my life and feel extremely trapped.

username7891 · 09/11/2024 15:41

Isthismykarma · 09/11/2024 15:38

A family member, a colleague and a mate. My closest have been nothing but supportive which I suppose is all that matters. I just posted my situation to see if they were being too kind and the judgy ones maybe had a point that I should be fleeing the nest lol

Whatever works for you OP. Ignore judgemental people.

I would rather have chewed my arm off than lived with my parents post 18.

Isthismykarma · 09/11/2024 15:41

allaboutsign · 09/11/2024 15:39

a “friend” has made you feel ashamed and judged?

Slightly yes, nothing that warrants a confrontation, I just noted it and carried on. I can be sensitive though so they probably weren’t being mean, just seemed genuinely surprised I’d choose to live at home at this age.

OP posts:
Isthismykarma · 09/11/2024 15:40

CrazyCatLady008 · 09/11/2024 15:37

Personally Im only a few years older than you. I moved out at 19 and could never of moved back home I prefer my independence (and yes I have a good relationship with my folks!)

But you do you. The price of everything nowadays is sickening.

I moved out at 18 for uni and when I moved back at 22 GOD I hated it! I couldn’t wait to move out and have my independence back.
Now that I’m back at 27, I thought it would be even worse this time round, but I actually love it somehow! I think maybe my mum saw me still as a kid then whereas now it’s more of a housemate vibe.

OP posts:
allaboutsign · 09/11/2024 15:39

Isthismykarma · 09/11/2024 15:38

A family member, a colleague and a mate. My closest have been nothing but supportive which I suppose is all that matters. I just posted my situation to see if they were being too kind and the judgy ones maybe had a point that I should be fleeing the nest lol

a “friend” has made you feel ashamed and judged?

Isthismykarma · 09/11/2024 15:38

allaboutsign · 09/11/2024 15:34

who are these people in your life that you feel are “judging” you?

A family member, a colleague and a mate. My closest have been nothing but supportive which I suppose is all that matters. I just posted my situation to see if they were being too kind and the judgy ones maybe had a point that I should be fleeing the nest lol

OP posts:
CrazyCatLady008 · 09/11/2024 15:37

Personally Im only a few years older than you. I moved out at 19 and could never of moved back home I prefer my independence (and yes I have a good relationship with my folks!)

But you do you. The price of everything nowadays is sickening.

Isthismykarma · 09/11/2024 15:37

allaboutsign · 09/11/2024 15:34

buying at 24

i was living in a house share in london having an absolute blast. Responsibility free.

Sounds fun! The average flat share in Manchester is more than my mortgage was though, I felt very lucky to not have financial stress even though I’ve been stung now

OP posts:
Isthismykarma · 09/11/2024 15:36

YYURYYUCICYYUR4ME · 09/11/2024 15:33

I bought a shared ownership on my own, mid 20's (never again, huge con) and realised that I was paying for walls and not a life. Moved home, got on amazingly with parents and I too had comments, told those making the comments to not compare my life to theirs and I was very happy, were they? Doesn't matter about others, just about you and yours and do what makes you happy. Trying to do as others believe you should always ends in tears imo.

I love that for you! I certainly am enjoying the extra cash in my pocket each month!

OP posts:
LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 09/11/2024 15:35

Isthismykarma · 09/11/2024 15:34

Yeah in fairness I can’t say I’m receiving hate, but definitely from some a slight judgement when I say I’m in no rush for anything yet.
Overall people have been really supportive after a difficult year.

Maybe not actual hate - but judgement and scorn. From people who it's fuck-all to do with. This doesn't come from a place of love and kindness does it?!

!

allaboutsign · 09/11/2024 15:34

Isthismykarma · 09/11/2024 15:34

Yeah in fairness I can’t say I’m receiving hate, but definitely from some a slight judgement when I say I’m in no rush for anything yet.
Overall people have been really supportive after a difficult year.

who are these people in your life that you feel are “judging” you?