...to think that women should be able to warn other women....

It's not quite as simple as all they did was step back from the friendship though.

If they'd been close buddies then both sides would have had been fielding questions about why they weren't hanging out any more. What would they say? It sounds like quite a few people already knew, so the chances were that it would become generally known.
And in a small college community rumours can go round like wildfire, getting increasingly wilder as time goes on.

And he couldn't have escaped. He was living there, eating there, attending lectures together. Because of what he was being accused of he would have felt he couldn't ask for help without being judged. I can see why he felt he had no way out.

I think that ostracism isn’t just a case of choosing who you mix with, it is publicly telling others to also ostracise the subject and that, if they associate with him, they too will be ostracised.

In most avenues, it is not considered acceptable behaviour. In the workplace ostracism is considered bullying and can be used in constructive dismissal claims.

There have been a few articles in The Times about this case, one saying that he had a meeting with his friends when they told him they ‘needed space’ and would ‘check up on him in a couple of weeks’. The second was a first person account by an Oxford student whose friend had been accused of racism. Others set up an Instagram group to tell the year group not to contact him and, if they did, they too would be ostracised.

So, I think there are two issues. It isn’t the girl’s fault that she chose to share details with friends, but their reaction that seems the issue. I also think that when the coroner mentioned ‘cancel culture’ he clearly had more facts, and these do seem substantiated by a broader issue in student relationships and social media groups.

"An inquiry into the case revealed 'a concerning culture of social ostracism', or 'cancel culture,' among students which involved 'the exclusion of students from social circles based on allegations of misconduct, often without due process or a fair hearing,' said the Coroner.

Students could 'rush to judgement' without knowing all the facts and 'pile on' to the cancelled student, and begin to shun them. The practice was found to be 'established and normalised', and existed not just at Oxford, but in the education sector more widely."

What is "due process and a fair hearing" in cases of sexual misconduct when only two people "know all the facts"?
If a woman's experience at the hands of a man is unproveable, as they almost always are especially if it was a one -off should she

• STFU and get on with it
• tell one close female friend but swear the friend to secrecy, have a little girlie cry and cheer up
• quietly warn her female acquaintances that the man is anywhere from "a bit handsy" to "Not Safe In Taxis" or even "ugh, creepy, rapey, Avoid Avoid Avoid" depending on situation; but not tell the lads and let the male bit of the friendship circle carry on happily unburdened by any awkwardness; ie warn the women to alter their own behaviour to stay safe in future
• ask a couple of his male friends to have a word with him , in the hope that this will alter the man's behaviour to keep women safe in future

(Not specific to this case as I don't have enough information).

If someone is denied rights - such as opportunity to work, education, health care, housing, etc. - as a result of an unconfirmed rumour, that's a problem and in many cases a legal issue. But no one has a right to friendship or society or a romantic/sexual relationship because you can't force individuals to associate against their will (sorry, Jordan Peterson). If no one chooses to be with a specific person, they will be alone.

Objections to girls/women warning each other about dangerous boys/men often feel like they're prioritising the COMFORT of one boy/man over the (real or potential) safety or even lives of many girls/women. But women and girls are just as important as men and boys. And as Stanley Baldwin said, "safety first".

I've already stated I would believe my husband was innocent. I don't have a son. I've also said I would believe a woman in the vast majority of cases - not all cases. You're not pulling the gotchas you think you are.

I've also answered your questions, you haven't answered mine about if it was your daughter claiming to be assaulted.

To reiterate - no one owes friendship to someone they think may be guilty of sexually assault. No one owes friendship to anyone for any reason.

So you belive your partner/son is a potential rapist?

Yeah no one would lie about it unless they were twisted

No. My viewpoint is that if a woman alleges she's been sexually assaulted, I believe her in the vast majority of cases.

So 400 people per year year kill themselves whilst under police investigation. Not even people who have been charged, just interviewed. And we can now add to that sorry number those who kill themselves because of gossip.
No. It is not acceptable to attempt to have someone ostracized because you think they have done something wrong. Go through the proper channels or STFU.

We don’t know what happened. People
readinb between the lines as usual on here

A family has lost a young man with the potential to have a bright future, so distasteful

I don't see it as a game @BarbaraHoward.
Your viewpoint is if anyone alleges anyone is a criminal then they are, so why would you believe your family was innocent?

While I would personally believe in my husband and children's innocence, no one is obliged to be friends with them for any reason.

Do you have children? If your daughter (or son indeed) was assaulted and her friends remained friends with the perpetrator, would you think that was fair enough because she hadn't provided enough evidence? Would you believe her yourself?

We can both play that game.

". But if I had had an encounter that left me feeling violated I think going to my ex and various other male friends would be the last thing I’d do. I’d tell a female friend and wouldn’t want it being spread around."

So that's ok. And she could avoid him herself- which means leaving every pub session, club, brunch, sports event when he turns up to the friendship group. Ostracising herself basically. Or telling one female friend who then may also isolate herself from the group on principle when he turns up- presumably on some made-up pretext each time, if nobody else must know why. Meanwhile the man can just carry on like nothing has happened.

Well perhaps the woman correctly surmised that the censure of male friends is more effective for a miscreant than one woman alone or with one female friend. Men mostly give more of a shit about what other men think of them than what women think of them.

She didn't report it- whatever it was- but most sexual misdemeanours from rape downwards take place behind closed doors and are completely unproveable. It's he said/ she said, and if you're one of the friends you more or less have to pick who to believe, unless the woman does the socially easy acceptable thing of telling nobody, so as not to make things awkward for anyone.

This, @BarbaraHoward do you have children? A partner? Someone says, Barbara's 'family member is a criminal...' you obviously agree and ostracise them don't you? I mean someone said they were told they were!!

Well done for reeling off a bingo-card of rape myths 👏

Yes, you don't need to follow "due process" when you decide who to be friends with.

If I knew that one of my friends had engaged in violent behaviour, or acted in a way that I couldn't reconcile to my own moral code, then I would probably consider dropping them. And I wouldn't need to follow a formal process to do so.

No-one owes anyone friendship.

I also don't like the way people are saying it couldn't've been non-consensual bc she told male friends soon after & made them get aggressive. Maybe that's suspicious. Or maybe it's not. The 'perfect victim' narrative is dangerous. People don't always act in straightforward ways after assault. A woman might sleep consensually w her rapist after. Or w another man. None of those things fit into a straightforward narrative, & none of those things mean it wasn't assault.

No problem.

True, sorry, I thought I was replying to lucyloket88