To think that people should be a bit more sensitive when announcing pregnancy

Yes her friend video messaged her with a scan knowing she had recently had a miscarriage. She is happy for her friend but she, rightly, felt it was insensitive.

You can be as excited as you want apart from to the small proportion of friends who you know it will affect. It's not about tempering your excitement for the whole world. I'm sure the friend had loads of other people she could have rung!

I don't agree with you about how OP will act at all as think most people who've had a loss know how to be sensitive when needed.

I must have missed the part where her friend vidio messaged her on the day she lost her baby and was showing off about her pregnancy. :/
She should be happy for her friend and people shouldnt have to be worried about sharing happy news about thie family/friends.

This!! You can’t expect someone to tone down their excitement because what happens if you do eventually fall pregnant, are you going to do the same or shout it from the rooftops? My guess would be the latter.

Eh? Hard to ‘keep up’ with the fact that a supposed friend has recently had a miscarriage?

I don’t know whether you meant it this way, but your comment comes across as thinking that these things are quite trivial, even though you’ve included stillbirth in there which is particularly jarring.

OK some of the analogies on this thread are bonkers.

I have a friend who very sadly lost her mother last year. It's not like I never mention my mum but I don't call her on mother's day showing off about what I did. That's the correct analogy.

Also OP is happy for her friend!

Different take - my parents are dead. I dont begruge my friends celebrating mums/dads day. Just be happy for your friend and of what you have that others dont.

Key bit here for you you’d have preferred a message.

Others in your position may have preferred never to have been told, been told before others so they hear direct, to be told face to face in person so can get physical contact, or be told over the phone as a message is impersonal.

Have a think through all your friends. Are you dead confident you know what topics could be difficult for each of them, and what the least bad way would be for you to share news relating to that topic with them? Probably not.

So cut your friend some slack. They almost certainly put some thought into it and tried to get it right. They didn’t, but they tried. People aren’t mind readers.

The position you’re in sucks. But getting angry at friends won’t make it any better.

If she is normally sensitive, I would put it down to her being excited and forgetful

I think a message would have been more appropriate. I am sure she was excited but it is insensitive to spring that on you.

Most people don't relive being told anyone has died at a time when it's not remotely relevant.

have you ever had a missed miscarriage? I relived that moment over and over again, and other people’s pregnancy announcements and scan pics were definitely triggering.

But then why assume someone is being resentful or not happy for their friend, that’s the point surely, we all deal with grief in different ways.

Sure, @Lucy25 - I was replying to @KnittingKnewbie to say that, having experienced multiple miscarriages myself, I didn’t need treating differently. Not everyone who miscarries needs the same thing.

I'm not clear where in this scenario anyone was surprised at someone not being elated.

Most people don't relive being told anyone has died at a time when it's not remotely relevant.

Its not about resentment @JustinThyme or not being happy for a friend.It’s about being aware someone is coming to terms with their own loss.
Agree @SapphireOpal seeing a scan photo, out of the blue, could be triggering to someone who’s grieving.Personally l would only show the scan photo if my friend wanted to see it.

But you're not going to randomly video call a recently divorced or widowed family member with your wedding photo in hand going "GREAT NEWS, I'm married! Being married is SO EXCITING", are you?''

I've family members with scan and baby photos up in their houses - that's fine. What's not fine is showing it to someone who's had a recent pregnancy loss in a one to one conversation, and then being surprised when instead of immediately being elated for you they go a bit quiet because they're reliving the scan where they were told their baby had died and trying not to cry.

On reflection, I think that superstition was a large part of why I didn't tell anyone. I wasn't exactly thinking rationally.

Tell me you've never had to sit through a scan where you've been told your baby's stopped developing without telling me...

You can be happy that your mate is having a baby, but also 1) it can be quite upsetting because it's a reminder of what you don't have and don't seem to be able to have - so you need a bit of time to process your feelings before you can get to the point where you're genuinely happy for them, and 2) other people's scan photos of their lovely healthy babies can be really quite triggering when you've been in that situation tbh.

My god, I am so sorry.

I didn’t write the post you’re answering, but I did experience miscarriages.

And no, I didn’t expect my friends to treat me any differently about their pregnancies, didn’t resent them or want the news handling ‘sensitively’. I was also excited for them and liked seeing all their updates.

20-25% of pregnancies result in miscarriage. My stats are rather higher. But that’s how it goes.

Other people’s good news makes me happier, not more upset. If I couldn’t have a baby at a particular time, I was glad someone I care about could.

(I also had a recipient for my baby socks buying habit until I had a successful pregnancy myself.)

I think your friend was really insensitive.

My friend very sadly never got a pregnancy to full term and it was very painful for her to see (as she described it) babies just popping out all over the place during the years when they were starting to lose hope. She had one small group of old school friends and they had an agreement that they always shared their news by sending a card so she had a chance to come to terms with it.

When I decided to try for a baby I asked her how she would like to tell me the news if I was successful. She said she'd prefer I told her face to face as she saw me most days and it would be weird to be second guessing. So I did it that way. I was dreading it but she was great, really seemed thrilled for me (I was older and had been through a traumatic experience). I did notice when I started to show and there was more pregnancy talk - acquaintances coming over to congratulate me and share stories - she backed away and avoided me. I was sad but I understood.

It's a horrendous thing to go through and I am very sorry for your loss OP.

How are you both obviously delighted for her if you need privacy when reacting?

You can be happy for someone and sad for yourself at the same time.

Not everyone is the same. Personally, I had a miscarriage before I conceived DS and several friends had babies in the meantime. If people had treated me differently, I would have been offended. It would have been a reminder of the miscarriage when I just wanted to move on and be happy for my friends.

Also, people get carried away when they're pregnant. DH wanted to keep it to ourselves until the scan but ended up telling pretty much everyone by 9-10 weeks as we were SO over the moon.

So cut them some slack. They're not horrible people.

Your friend was insensitive but if you are close and you do not want to bring it up, then let it slide. But just make sure you put boundaries up if you need to. This might just be a one off and she might be more sensitive for the rest of the pregnancy. If she’s not, it’s ok to distance yourself or tell her to stop going on about her pregnancy to you.