My Partner Does not Remeber Childhood

I have no memories of childhood - at all.

I have no memories of primary school, my younger sibling’s births and childhoods, my grandmother (who died when I was nearly 4).

I also have no memories of moving home to thousands of kilometres away when I was 13 - to a new school, knowing no one.

I have no memories of senior school - albeit I have photos to show I went to formals, graduation, etc.

I have no memories of university, graduations, being diagnosed with rare medical conditions, surgeries, rehabilitation.

More recently, I have no memories of my wedding, my child’s birth, my DCs babyhood or early childhood. I can, however, drag forth some feeling around some photos or items - I call these my “memory keepers”, as they are the only link I can draw to my past.

It happens, and it is devastating…

I am similar - very few memories until I was a late teenager. I’m also not sure how many memories I do have are second hand, either because they’ve been told in the family a lot or because I have seen photos. My knowledge of my husband’s childhood is similar to my knowledge of my own, and I didn’t meet him until I was 18.

I know that I did things - what school I went to, who my friends were, extra-curricular exams, that I went to certain places on holiday, that I was bridesmaid for both my uncle and then my aunt’s weddings. But I have little memory of the actual details.

My little sister has a fantastic memory of it all and will often talk about events that I just don’t know existed.

I am pretty sure I had a happy childhood. I feel secure and loved, I feel contented. It’s like the saying “They may not remember what you said, but they remember how they made you feel.”

However, if I think really hard now, the few details that I can access are all tinged with embarrassment - a few occasions where someone said something sharp, demeaning or racist to me. But also an episode of somebody else’s sadness. We did a musical in our primary school. The boy given the main role was removed from that part as he couldn’t remember it. I let him try my violin as he looked so sad. I remember knowing that he was suffering, and that I wanted to help him and be supportive, but I didn’t know how else to console him.

I think these maybe stick out because they were so unusual and jarring to me, as my needs were met right up the Maslow hierarchy.

Maybe I wasn’t very mindful, so the good things just washed over me in a blur of contentment.

There are a lot of unqualified responses here suggesting trauma or abuse.

Unless your partner has said anything then you should accept that this is probably not the case.

We are all wired differently and that's just something that you will have to adjust to if you want to be together.

Photographs often jog memories which people would have likely forgotten about otherwise.

Boys were sometimes brought up to not talk about feelings, to not seek any attention, to told to stop talking. They can get so used to it that they basically shut down. Does he have any siblings? Do they remember their childhood?

I'm the opposite in that I remember my childhood very vividly indeed, from when I was four years old; I can even recall certain conversations, and what people were wearing, if it was significant. However, I discovered that I am an outlier for this, and lots of people my age don't remember childhood much at all. At a 20-year school reunion, I remembered lots of things that nobody else did. My mum was very big on writing diaries, and tried to encourage me to do so, but I saw it as redundant, because I just remembered.

I think my partner remembers a lot, and keeps hold of a lot of stuff from childhood (toys, books, albums), but doesn't talk about it much. There is a troubled teenage history, and I think I don't know the full story of everything that happened.

I think some adults feel "glad to be grown up", and don't like to think about childhood; not necessarily because of trauma, but it's a part of their life that has been and gone.

I’ve got a good friend who says she has no recollection of her childhood.

However, she has no contact with her Dad or brother and a difficult relationship with her mum.

Very, very rarely she makes a comment that suggests childhood trauma but then darts away from the subject immediately. I think she has blocked a lot of bad memories out, consciously or subconsciously.

I also wondered about childhood abuse/ptsd.

My DH is very similar to this actually I've realised - he just doesn't share stuff. He doesn't have childhood trauma but it's more like it just doesn't occur to him that I'd be interested to hear things. For example we travelled 2 hrs to visit his mum and chatted on the drive there. He didn't mention she had had a scan for possible cancer the week before and that her beloved dog had been ill and nearly died. We turn up and I'm really embarrassed not to have a clue about anything which his mum assumes he'll have told me about! Same with visiting his dad and also meeting work colleagues - my DH just doesn't seem to get it's normal to share with me a bit about what's going on.

My DH recently got an autism diagnosis and I've worked out this is part of his autism! It's like there's no instinct for him to share things with me. He'll talk about factual stuff (what food he ate at a meal out when he met his dad) but not emotional stuff or other people's news (his dad's house sale falling through so they're no longer moving near us). It's weird and at times very lonely for me! Sympathies op sounds really tough for you no matter the cause.

Maybe he's in a witness protection programme and is sworn to secrecy? Not allowed to mention his past? ( watched too much tv- lol)

I think it's not necessarily strange that some people live in the now and do not reminisce

The two things I would think about are:

• Head injuries. Does your husband play soccer or any other sport in which head knocks occur? Soccer players etc can have brain injuries which sometimes affect memory.
• Snoring and Sleep Apnea. Does your husband get enough good, deep sleep with plenty of oxygen? Some people are always in an extreme state of tiredness due to poor sleep.

I'd also be listening (not directing the conversation) whenever your husband gets together with his cousins, aunties, brothers etc. You might pick up that sometimes they do refer back to times from long ago. You would not always know when they were talking about the past because you were not there.

Just be happy to remember the last six years together and talk about those times that you share. Display photos from the last six years so you can converse about your early days as a family.

Over the period of a few weeks, ask your husband's favourite ice cream flavour, favourite football team, favourite take away on a Friday night etc. If he can remember those types of things then he does recall things fromthe past. Perhaps he only rememebers when it is useful to do so. Many people don't make a habit of repeating stories about their childhood. For one, it is very boring for others.

@Gingerlingerlonger, there's a difference between "poking around in someone's psyche" and wanting to feel like you know the person sharing your life.

It might be fine for you and others, but I'm not capable of feeling close to someone who only allows restricted access. In effect, it's a relationship with a partial persona. Very unsatisfying.

I have a friend that has no memories until age 12 and then only significant events like a birthday party and broken arm. On the other hand, I remember so much including being in the pram and lying in my cot. I'm quite an observant introspective person so I wonder if I just absorb more unnecessary info than other people. Weirdly, I can't remember my younger brother ever wearing a school uniform although I know he must have. We have no photos of him in his uniform. I was convinced that maybe his school didn't have a uniform back then but when I looked it up they did, its just not something I can remember. Memory works in weird ways.

Is this a deal breaker for you? It's allowed to be.

Has he no siblings? Any pets?
I remember snippets.

His memories, or non memories, belong to him. Do you understand? They are not yours. Keep your curiosity out of his head. My DH is similar. He is just a laid back kind of person who lives in the now. That is who he wants to and where he wants to be. You can't demand to go poking around in someone else's psyche for your own reasons. Being your partner does not change this. If he has historic trauma, or not, is not your right to have access to out of curiosity.

I can tell you this. If my partner kept poking at old memories, I'd fucking dump them.

I have almost no childhood memories (I say almost because I'm almost certain the memories I do have are from photographs). I'm almost certain there's no trauma. I've done EDMR and nothing came up but I would urge caution accusing him or not letting you in.

Maybe he has been given a new identity by the police and wants to forget the past eg.James Bulgers murderers

I remember bits from young childhood
very little from the years where I was sexually abused
I didn't recall the sexual abuse until I was in my 30s
Occasionally odd memories occur - but generally it's a period I don't remember a lot about.

No memory? Selective?
Regardless. Sounds like "he" restrict.only thing true love will do= roll wi it.never 4 nuthin

I think that happy childhoods are uneventful. Everything rolls along, normally and unremarkably. If it’s always warm, you don’t remark on warmth, or note it. It’s just how things are.

At least, that’s my experience.

I don't why it has to be a problem, I would home no one has a bad childhood but people should be free to think or remember things in their own way

He can remember , he doesn’t want to share. Otherwise how can he say he had a happy childhood - I mean he wouldn’t know would he if he can recall it ?
it’s like the recent big event he didn’t share. He just didn’t say anything and held it back. This kind of partner would worry me, and I would always feel like I didn’t know him.

A few months ago, went to an event and met really key people, had photos with them ...

He's not in witness protection or on the run!

Is there photos of him in his childhood and as a teenager ?

Has he got much family?
Could he / they be in witness protection / new identity or something like that

You seem to be putting a different slant on this with each post. It seems he is generally uncommunicative and doesn't share anything with you, childhood, young adult and present, doesn't generally chat. That's not the same as having no childhood memories. Perhaps he's just independent or introverted, perhaps his family never chatted and he didn't learn how to, perhaps he finds stories about the past dull, perhaps he thinks no one's interested in what he has to say. I'm not very chatty, my partner tells long monologues about the past and daily life with no notice of when ive switched off. You seem to be wanting to find something to worry about in his past for some reason.

I don’t have memories of my childhood the things I think I remember are really just photos or stories I have been told. Grew up with siblings they remember things fine, no trauma had loving parents I just don’t seem to have that bit of a brain where memories are stored or if I do I can’t access them. Can’t remember really important things as an adult either no clear memories of my wedding day, the births of my children, big holidays Nope just don’t have the memories. Have spoken to my GP, I was concerned that something was wrong with me he said no if I’ve always been that way then it’s normal for me, and I’m not the only person like this and I’m no more likely to develop dementia that anyone else ( a big worry) my very long term DH is a great support to me and has a great memory. I would be very pissed off with him if he was accusing me of making it up that I didn’t remember things. Do you not think that people like me want to remember, all the lovely things and trips that my parents took us on my siblings told me about, don’t you think I would love to remember spending time with my grandad who died when I was 11. P P’s with all their ooh he must remember, he’s just lying need to shut up about things they know nothing about, reading their comments has really upset me. Would they tell someone who had physical health issues that they must be making it up, I would hope not, so why say it about someone with memory issues.