My Partner Does not Remeber Childhood

What happens if you ask him about purely factual things? Where did you live? What schools did you go to? How many GCSEs did you get? What did you do when you left school? Uni?

I think the posters who have mentioned aphantasia have nailed it. I have many memories from very early childhood and they run like a film inside my head. They also contain the dialogue of what people said and the tone of voice in which they said it. People with aphantasia do not make images in their mind, at all. I can’t imagine being able to remind anything if my mind didn’t record them visually!

He either remembers but doesn't want to due to trauma, or he has amnesia due to a brain injury. It took me over a year probably 2 years into my relationship before I was able to reveal a very traumatic incident in my mid teens (SA). Your DP needs therapy and needs to stop lying to you.

@Peach0123 Haven't read the whole thread, but it might just be SDAM - severely deficient autobiographical memory.

Some people just don't code memories of their lives in the same way that apparently the rest of you do.

I don't have any trauma from my childhood, but really can't remember a thing about it. Or about last Tuesday, for example. Great memory for facts and figures though. Some of us are just wired differently.

For those people who said if you can't remember the events how do you know it was happy - I don't remember any specific events, but I remember roughly the emotional "colour" of them, if that makes any sense at all. So I'll remember if I was happy/sad/hurt/etc, but not why, what happened, who said what to cause it.

It could be trauma, but if he isn't showing any other signs of it, don't leap to that because there are other options...

Fascinating to see how common this is, and not necessarily tied to trauma at all. I've known a couple of people who don't have childhood memories, one was trauma-related but the other says he just "packed it away and moved on" - he's very forward-looking and says he just doesn't think about things in the past much.

A little strange that on a thread full of people's personal experiences with this, there are still posters trotting out lines about how this is a red flag and he's not committed.

He is who he is. This is how his brain works. When you get in a relationship with someone, you really have to accept them for who they are. If you find a lack of childhood memories such an intolerable dealbreaker or insecurity trigger, feel free to end the relationship, I guess, but it seems like a strange dealbreaker to me.

I had no idea that aphantasia and autism could result in a lack of autobiographical memories. Now I've looked it up, I see it's not a given, but common enough that there are lots of articles about it. Thanks, PPs.

I had a lovely family childhood, and do remember a few things, but not that much, most of it is a happy content non-descript blur. I've been on many mn threads and this is not uncommon, along with the spectrum of many remembering lots and some not very much, for a variety of reasons, from trauma, to happiness and nonchalant just being non bothered.

My partner is exactly the same and we've been together over 30 years.
He doesn't remember anything about his childhood, never talks about it. We were together three years before I even knew he had an older brother.
I thought it was some sort of trauma but now I'm not sure because if I talk about things that happened years ago, in our life together, he says "I don't remember".
Do some people just have a bad memory? I don't honestly know, but things that I can very clearly recall from 20 plus years ago, he just seems to have no recollection of.
There are other weird things about him - like he reads the same books over and over again. He'll go through all The George RR Martin series, then all the Bill Bryson then all the Bernard Cornwell. If I suggest a book he might like, he either won't read it or he'll start it and say he doesn't like it. Same with DVD box sets; Morse, Lewis, Montalbano and Wallander on an endless loop until it drives me nuts.
He also never really enthuses about anything. I can get really excited about stuff and say "look, isn't it gorgeous?" and his response will be completely flat. Like "it's nice". He is an introvert, but so am I, yet I get really enraptured by things and he never does.
I think to some degree you just have to accept it as a character flaw. But it can get boring to live with 😞

I can do that! I’m also good with phone numbers and birthdays. However a member of staff at my daughters school who has worked there for years and we’ve had previous dealings with is leaving next week, the kids were talking about her at home but I absolutely cannot picture her. I also need to drive somewhere about 10 times before I can remember how to get there without directions.

Brains work differently
My siblings and I are autistic. I remember a lot of childhood but can retain little new, and rarely remember what I did the previous day.
My sister has fantastic executive functioning and super speedy processing, but almost no childhood memories.

My DH has aphantasia so has no visual memories. He knows things happened because of anecdotes, like how you say your DH repeats your mum's memories, but he doesn't really remember things himself. Not even recent things, not in the way most people have memories they can go back to and think about. He's very forward focused as a result and used to think everyone was like this, so it doesn't bother him and it's nothing to do with trauma, it's just how his brain works.

I’m always amazed when someone remembers all the teacher’s names from secondary school, and pupils for that matter haha

Shame on you. At this post proves, having no memories does happen and for a variety of reasons.

Maybe life was mundane for him. No fun, adventures or silliness to remember. I don’t remember much apart from getting told off all the time. We didn’t go on holiday or sit together and have nice chats or laugh. We existed in a nice house with a nice garden but I’ve got nothing to draw on from the past really.

With our kids we spend a lot of time chewing the fat in front of the fire and making music together. We all laugh at each other and ourselves and plan adventures together. You have to make memories.

Maybe life was just him existing when he was young unless his bedroom wall was covered in George Michael posters like the rest of us and he’s not sure how to tell you.

Of course it could be trauma related but I’m so glad there are people on here that have provided more ordinary reasons and similarities to themselves.
He may just be a private person or just has an unusual memory. I bet if you asked him a specific question about his childhood he would be able to recall it eg favourite teacher/friend/pet/family holiday but he might not have a swathe of anecdotes on instant recall.

Memories are funny things, I can remember loads about my childhood but have a really poor memory for faces and if you asked me to describe an incident that occurred 5 minutes ago eg a fight or a car accident, I’d get loads wrong.

The stuff about the photos the other night, maybe he was just tired when he got in and didn’t want to relay his day no matter how excited he had been. That’s a bit miserable on his part though because of course you want him to share stuff with you.

I have childhood trauma and have no memories beyond a couple of things. They are almost images in my mind. I remember a plastic chair for example, a flower on a window, sitting in school a weird way but thst is it. I don’t remember birthday, Christmas, parties, days out, family meals, even day to day life memories. I just have none.

Thank you! I do have quite a few memories of family holidays but outside of that , very few from school, school friends, weekends from primary til secondary school. I had a happy childhood, just don’t remember much.

Another one asking about siblings.
I have 3. All adults. The two girls constantly talk about their memories and it’s a family joke that the boy remembers NOTHING. If he didn’t have them constantly talking about stuff that happened he wouldn’t have any memories.

Their childhoods were full and happy to the best of my knowledge. I was there!
There were a couple of big trips when he was 7 and 10. South Africa and California. He has no recollection. Even when prompted with photographs. His twin sister remembers a lot.

I would say he is a bit differently wired. Very intelligent but not given to introspection. Black and white. Logical. Lives in the moment and doesn’t dwell. He is a lovely man with a happy relationship so don’t worry about yours.

It's very common for people to remember very little until memories are triggered by for example an old photograph or through seeing their own young child do X or Y.

I remember very little of my grandparents for example apart from the rocking chair at their house and one time my grandad showing me how to fish. And I loved them, they were wonderful and I spent every summer there till I was about 13! But it's just a general happy hazy impression.

Does he have aphantasia? I do, and my memory of things in my past is fairy crap. If someone reminds me of it I’ll very possibly remember.

https://www.bps.org.uk/research-digest/people-no-minds-eye-have-less-vivid-and-detailed-memories

How is he as a parent as this is what will matter here. Is he loving to your child; respond to his needs etc -
Does your partner have any friends, does he work and can hold down a job.
Whats mother in law like? Can you ask her out of ear shot from him about him as a child - are you saying she quotes only two incidents from his childhood too?
Wheres the Dad? Maybe childhood trauma - if he doesn’t want to go there that’s fine - it’s his ability to parent and his ability to be a good partner to you is what I would be looking at. There are community run groups for parenting courses if it would help if needed.

I'm wondering how you formed a relationship with him in the first place if he's such a closed book? No memories, no opinions on anything, no conversation about what he's been up to. How did you end up falling for him?

As a survivor of childhood trauma I would like to point out that forgetting the trauma is something our brain does for protection. It is rarely a "choice" to forget, and outwith our control.

I think the fact that your MIL talks about the same 2 memories each time suggests that there was some sort of trauma/ unhappy childhood. Surely even if he didn’t remember anything she would speak about things.

Why do you assume he's hiding his childhood from you?

I have very few memories and this is really common for many of us who are neurodivergent. We remember feelings (which is how we know whether we had happy or unhappy childhoods) but absolutely none of the details.

I only got diagnosed as an adult and find it deeply unfair how people used to judge me against neurotypical standards as they assumed I was supposed to be like them, and I had no reason to suggest otherwise.

Turns out that I was always different and it was always okay.

Not everyone is like everyone else.