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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu - debt?

38 replies

Dall · 08/11/2024 18:41

Paid off partners debt when we moved in together, £62K, 3 years ago. On basis no more loans/credit cards

recently found out he is £20k in debit now. Some from before most from after. I insisted on seeing credit report as I am about to get sale proceeds from property and want to know what situation is. I feel bit repulsed and insulted this has been allowed to happen. But I am debt avoidant and I guess lucky I have been able to.

Aibu for not feeling able to get over this? For not being able to accept he struggles to discuss money which is compounded as we have not been getting on. Been in counselling for a year. Has lied about debt there.

I stupidly started vaping to deal with stress (yes I know it doesn’t) and have snuck in the loo at home and not told him. He is equating the two. Is it the same? I feel emotionally burnt out and not sure what to think anymore. Please be gentle. I am aware vaping is stupid and hiding stuff is a bad bad sign in a relationship but I’ve lost perspective and don’t want to disclose debt to anyone we know to discuss in person.

yabu - £20k not much for 3 years when starting a business/He cannot discuss money, you cannot discuss vaping so you both need to sort yourselves out.

yanbu - it’s a lost cause all round.

OP posts:

Fireworknight · 08/11/2024 21:42

“He sees it a a legitimate route out of his problem.”

That sounds like the gambler who will have ‘one more bet’, as the next one will be ‘the big one’.

Original poster

Dall · 08/11/2024 21:30

DoYouReally · 08/11/2024 20:47

Can I ask why he trades fx?

Does he work in finance or have any expertise that would indicate why he would instead of vetting on football or a horse?

The reason I ask is I know two gamblers who moved to fx, efts, stocks, commodities trading after they were excluded from standard gambling sites. One was banned, the other self selected as part of his recovered but swapped over wen his recovery failed.

Show quote history

I don’t know. He has no back ground and will adamantly not keep up or have any interest in current affairs. I worry he has been sucked in by ‘prop trading accounts’ and being told it’s a skill to learn and will make money. He sees it a a legitimate route out of his problem. I worked in credit control in trading industry so my view on it is at the opposite end and have seen what addiction does.

OP posts:

LIZS · 08/11/2024 21:27

Is he losing it on bitcoin?

Original poster

Dall · 08/11/2024 21:25

I don’t know. He has done it for years. I didn’t think too much of it. He has no back ground and will adamantly not keep up or have any interest in current affairs. I worry he has been sucked in by ‘prop trading accounts’ and being told it’s a skill to learn and will make money. He sees it a a legitimate route out of his problem.

OP posts:

Barney16 · 08/11/2024 20:59

I don't think vaping in your own bathroom equates to having your debts paid off and then running up more debt. In fact the two things seem to be as far apart as it's possible to be. He's just being mean because he's defensive.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/11/2024 20:58

He’s done a right number on you by getting you to believe vaping is equal to wasting so much money he doesn’t have in such a short time.

You have to disentangle yourself from him. It’s always possible to move, sell a house, whatever you need to happen to ditch him. He’s going to ruin your life. Your perception is already severely skewed by him trying to mess with your head. Please put yourself first. He’s not worthy of you.

Ohnobackagain · 08/11/2024 20:50

@Dall he has shown you zero respect after you paying off the £62k by going and getting into more debt! He has not changed. I would get him to start paying you back even £100 a month. No you being so stressed you vaped is NOT on the same scale. He should be apologising for driving you to it. I know you were also dishonest but - he is using that to deflect from his far worse behaviour. Ditch him.

DoYouReally · 08/11/2024 20:47

Dall · 08/11/2024 19:32

I am worried about gambling. Def not drugs.

he ‘trades’ fx which I see as gambling anyway. His DS20 has a gambling issue and has lost thousands and his mums runs his finances now. I found football betting on DP’sphone soon after we had a very long chat about his son. He said was trying to get into his mind so could help him.

Feel like an idiot.

We live together.

the timing of the vaping argument feels like a deflection as I think he could have known for a while.

Can I ask why he trades fx?

Does he work in finance or have any expertise that would indicate why he would instead of vetting on football or a horse?

Ukholidaysaregreat · 08/11/2024 20:30

He is a dickhead. You got him out of massive debt. He should be eternally grateful. Instead he has run up another 20k debt and is cross with you for vaping. Wtf? Get rid. He is dragging you down.

LIZS · 08/11/2024 20:28

So it is not protected, yet how does £500 cc become £20k+?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/11/2024 20:27

Good move about the tenants in common, @Dall, but in paying his debts you helped him ex as well? Why not his son too - no doubt he could use some of your £££ - and throw in a few friends and acquaintances while you're at it?

Original poster

Dall · 08/11/2024 20:26

No paying out his ex was on top of that and I have that as % in equity. I have some more equity but not enough to cover the extra £62k. I am getting a declaration of trust to cover that hopefully but it’s more I don’t know if I can trust. I have asked and he said he had £500 credit card as a float for work materials

OP posts:

LIZS · 08/11/2024 20:20

So some of the 62k was to buy out his ex and you could recoup that on selling the house? If he cannot have a grown up conversation about his spending then the 20k will only grow, assuming he is even being honest now, then you cannot continue to bail him out. Is it really all business related expenses?

FitAt50 · 08/11/2024 20:16

missmollygreen · 08/11/2024 18:56

Vaping is repulsive. But it is not the same as building up 20k debt after being bailed out by your partner.

It is a lost cause. Any chance he would repay you the 62k?

I have never smoked or vaped and think calling either "repulsive" is beyond crazy. Its a bad habit but nothing close to repulsive.

Original poster

Dall · 08/11/2024 20:09

MrsMoastyToasty · 08/11/2024 20:04

So in 3 years he has run up £82k of debt? That's 3 times what I earn In my boring admin job in a year!
He needs to contact CAB or one of the debt advice charities for some impartial advice.

@MrsMoastyToasty

no £62k was 3 years ago, which was accumulated over a few years. £20kish is in the last 3 years.

OP posts:

MrsMoastyToasty · 08/11/2024 20:04

So in 3 years he has run up £82k of debt? That's 3 times what I earn In my boring admin job in a year!
He needs to contact CAB or one of the debt advice charities for some impartial advice.

StarsBeneathMyFeet · 08/11/2024 19:59

I remember reading a book by Alvin Hall that said something along the lines of ‘If you give someone in debt the money to clear that debt, without looking at why they got into debt/without giving them the skills to manage their money, they’ll be back in the same position within a year’. Unfortunately it sounds like this is what’s happened here. I don’t blame you for feeling wretched a bit this. You made a huge sacrifice for him and he’s thrown it in your face effectively.
Please don’t bail him out again. It won’t help in the long run. If I were you, I’d be getting financial advise about my options to minimise the impact of his debt on you and consider my future.

Viviennemary · 08/11/2024 19:57

You need to end this relationship. Paying off his debt hasn't worked. He has accrued more. Why do you need to take this on board. Pt

Love51 · 08/11/2024 19:56

I read it as 6.2 not 62 and already thought it was a lost cause. The impact of your vaping on him is negligible. The impact of tens of thousands of debt is massive. Work it out in hours of take home pay. That's likely thousands of hours of your life you've given him and won't get back.

Original poster

Dall · 08/11/2024 19:54

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/11/2024 19:48

Totally this ... incredible that you paid so much for a man if you're not married, who'd only just moved in and who quickly turned out to be a gambler

He'll certainly think he's fallen on his feet - his son too probably - so I'd disabuse him of that idea sharpish by moving him right out again

Show quote history

@Puzzledandpissedoff
i can’t move him out. I bought into his old house. Paid off ex and his debts old mortgage etc and we now have a joint mortgage and own it together but as tenants in common (I wasn’t completely stupid!). It’s a bit of a disentanglement as I wouldn’t want to move out as I doubt the house would ever find a buyer.

OP posts:

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/11/2024 19:48

Sparklfairy · 08/11/2024 19:14

Your mistake was paying off over 60 grand of his debt. I'm astonished.

You've set a precedent now. In the back of his mind he thinks running up debt doesn't matter because you'll swoop in when it gets too much and pay it off.

Totally this ... incredible that you paid so much for a man if you're not married, who'd only just moved in and who quickly turned out to be a gambler

He'll certainly think he's fallen on his feet - his son too probably - so I'd disabuse him of that idea sharpish by moving him right out again

Original poster

Dall · 08/11/2024 19:45

He has started a handyman business so it’s not like investing loads on equipment or premises or staff. It’s about as profitable as it’s likely to be.

He has paid nearly his share of household bills although there is some reminding nagging involved in that. I am generous by nature and have pulled back on and over paying for holidays etc.

OP posts:

Fireworknight · 08/11/2024 19:41

Just seen your update. Yes, a gambler. Hope he’s not single assets to trade/gamble.

Fireworknight · 08/11/2024 19:38

Firstly , he lied to you and was in more debt than the £62k.

Regarding the business debt, when is the business likely to return a profit? Few businesses make a profit in the first year. Do you feel the business is viable, or is he a cocklodger? Ie. Has he been giving himself a wage, contributing to household bills etc, or is he sponging off you? I think questions like these would affect how I feel.

Original poster

Dall · 08/11/2024 19:32

I am worried about gambling. Def not drugs.

Feel like an idiot.

We live together.

the timing of the vaping argument feels like a deflection as I think he could have known for a while.

OP posts:

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