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Original poster

To plan for a baby in an unstable relationship

266 replies

Differentstarts · 08/11/2024 16:18

Im 23. I have 2 kids 7 and 4 from different fathers and have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for just under 2 years. This has been the most stable relationship I have ever been in however it has still been on and of mainly due to me. I have eupd and I have a really bad habit of pushing people away one minute then wanting them close the next. I'm just a bit all over the place. I am under the cmht and have been for years so I don't think time is going to suddenly fix anything here. I'm ok with being a single mum if it comes to it, iv done it twice before. I do really want a baby and I feel it would complete our family. Neither of my girls where planned so it kind off just was what it is and I made it work and where all happy and i have no regrets but I wonder if it's wrong to purposely choose to bring a child into an already unstable relationship but if not now when as like I said I'm not going to ever suddenly be mentally 100% well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Differentstarts · 08/11/2024 16:54

SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament · 08/11/2024 16:51

What does your current boyfriend think about your baby plans? You seem rather blasé about the prospect of becoming a single mum for a third time.

He wants a kid of his own. We have been talking about it and he will go along with whatever I decide on whether I want to wait or not.

OP posts:
pavementgerms · 08/11/2024 16:54

Please just focus on the children you have and making their lives as calm and stable as possible.

Christmasfairy3 · 08/11/2024 16:54

23 is ever so young .I had my first at 23 and my last at 38..
There's no rush .
I've got a 10 year age gap between 2 of mine and it's lovely,just as lovely as having them close together

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/11/2024 16:53

I just noticed your NN @Differentstarts

I wonder if this is part of the issue. Do you believe the 'start' is the important thing? Two reason for asking that:

  1. Do you believe your two children are somehow ruined or spoiled by a bad start?
  2. Have you missed that parenting is a marathon not a sprint? That your current children will need a lot of input for a lot of years.

You're young. You could parent your existing children all the way to adulthood and still have time for another if you see that you did a fabulous job and still want another.

SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament · 08/11/2024 16:51

What does your current boyfriend think about your baby plans? You seem rather blasé about the prospect of becoming a single mum for a third time.

jannier · 08/11/2024 16:51

Baby's are not babys for long, what then another and another? Your only 23 many don't have their first for years after this take time get life sorted....your issues may still resolve it's been hardly anytime at all. Who pays for the children you have? What role model are you giving them? Are you confident all those things are sorted?

IVFmumoftwo · 08/11/2024 16:51

Are you sure you can manage the strain on your mental health that three children can cause?

Babyboomtastic · 08/11/2024 16:51

Differentstarts · 08/11/2024 16:25

I'm just so broody at the minute. You know when you see people with their babies and it actually hurts because you want it so bad. My kids aren't babies anymore I miss them days so much and iv never had a baby with a good partner where it's actually a family. I know my boyfriend would be an amazing dad he's so good with my girls and I'd love for him to have his own and be a proper family

Show quote history

I get this. I feel the same. However (unlike me) you have the luxury of time. You are very lucky in that regard.

It would be a very unwise decision to have another baby now. In 10 years you may be in a good position. You could (almost) wait 20 years. You don't need to say 'never', just 'not now'.

Boomer55 · 08/11/2024 16:49

Just concentrate on the children you have.

Cyclebabble · 08/11/2024 16:48

So if you become a single parent you will support three kids on a part time salary without them suffering in any way? I am not sure that this is anyway realistic unless you expect other people to pick up the tab.

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 08/11/2024 16:48

The best thing you can do is concentrate on being the best mum possible for the children you already have.

Keep their lives stable, don’t add more children to the mix, try to stabilise your relationship, work on keeping your MH as stable as possible.

Your job is prioritising their wellbeing and stability over your broodiness.

Falalalalah · 08/11/2024 16:48

Differentstarts · 08/11/2024 16:34

I'm not addicted to babies. Iv had 2 children and would like a 3rd. That's a normal amount. I don't plan on having like 10 kids

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Well, wait and have another child in six or eight years if you're well and in a good relationship then, and still want one.

Original poster
Differentstarts · 08/11/2024 16:48

Willsnbills · 08/11/2024 16:46

Get a full time job @Differentstarts that will keep you busy. Do you own your own home?

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No but a lot of people don't. Doesn't make someone a bad parent

OP posts:
Willsnbills · 08/11/2024 16:46

Differentstarts · 08/11/2024 16:45

I work part time, my boyfriend works full time.

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Get a full time job @Differentstarts that will keep you busy. Do you own your own home?

Leavesandacorns · 08/11/2024 16:45

It's a really bad idea to have a baby when you're relationship is rocky. Even if you had amazing mental health, it would be a bad idea. But given your diagnosis, it could be disastrous (I say this as someone with my own mental health issues. I waited until I was 30, had been with a partner years and new our relationship was very strong, and had my mental health issues very very well managed before having my longed for children).

You already have children and their needs come first, regardless of how broody you are (and I understand it can be an overwhelming desire). You just can't expect them to deal with a new sibling, especially a half sibling which comes with extra considerations, and the potential breakdowns of you relationship, along with any impact either of these things have on their mum's mental health. It's not fair to them.

MaryGreenhill · 08/11/2024 16:45

OP did you post here just to get a reaction from MN?

Original poster
Differentstarts · 08/11/2024 16:45

Willsnbills · 08/11/2024 16:42

Do you work @Differentstarts?

I work part time, my boyfriend works full time.

OP posts:
Newsenmum · 08/11/2024 16:45

Fluffyiguana · 08/11/2024 16:44

Being broody is not a good enough reason!

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Your kids are very young. Please don’t give up on them. You baby them and give them what they need. Be strong, be a good mum and wait until you can give that new baby everything.

MinnieCauldwell · 08/11/2024 16:44

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 08/11/2024 16:43

Do you or father(s) pay for these children or does tge tax payer? If the latter get a job, the desire will pass.

I posed this question also and still await the answer...

Fluffyiguana · 08/11/2024 16:44

Differentstarts · 08/11/2024 16:25

I'm just so broody at the minute. You know when you see people with their babies and it actually hurts because you want it so bad. My kids aren't babies anymore I miss them days so much and iv never had a baby with a good partner where it's actually a family. I know my boyfriend would be an amazing dad he's so good with my girls and I'd love for him to have his own and be a proper family

Show quote history

Being broody is not a good enough reason!

LBFseBrom · 08/11/2024 16:44

Don't. You are 23 and have enough children already. Why on earth would you want a third? The idea is madness.

Newsenmum · 08/11/2024 16:43

Are you happy to parent three teenagers with eupd?

BadPeopleFan · 08/11/2024 16:43

Differentstarts · 08/11/2024 16:37

This is the thing though that people don't get. When people say focus on getting better. What if I never get better. Mental illness doesn't just go away. So why am I letting it stop me living my life

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If you never get better you do the best you can for your existing children, you don't add extra stress in the form of more babies, it's quite worrying that you don't understand this.
Read a few threads on here about people that have been brought up by parents with poor mental health....it should open your eyes.
Also your 'unstable' relationship is damaging for the children you already have, stability is key for children to thrive.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 08/11/2024 16:43

Do you or father(s) pay for these children or does tge tax payer? If the latter get a job, the desire will pass.

Newsenmum · 08/11/2024 16:42

Differentstarts · 08/11/2024 16:37

This is the thing though that people don't get. When people say focus on getting better. What if I never get better. Mental illness doesn't just go away. So why am I letting it stop me living my life

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If you genuinely think you’ll never get better then how on earth can you think it’s fair on your babies?

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