To plan for a baby in an unstable relationship

Please don’t do this. It’s so easy to think a baby will fix everything, it’ll make you feel good because it’s what you’re good at. But it’ll be a never ending loop, a 4th baby, a 5th?
Like you I was a very young mum, divorced by the time I was 25. I actually enjoyed being a single mum and was tempted after I remarried in my 30s to have another. So glad I didn’t, it would have been a total disaster.
Concentrate on the lovely girls you have, staying well and giving them the best life you can.

By focusing on the feeling of being broody and considering having another child, you are allowing your mental illness to stop you living the life your existing children need you to live.

They are very young still and need the best version of you far more than they need a new sibling.

I understand that you probably don’t appreciate the “you’re so young comments” because you’re the oldest you’ve ever been right now. 23 is truly so young though, you have so many years ahead to focus on your two children, get yourself to a really good place with your mental health, with a stable relationship that benefits you and them, before having anymore children.

So what happens if you birth a third daughter? On to number four?

Bullshit.

I definitely suffered. I love my sister and brothers. But from objectively?

My life (especially teenage years and early twenties) was considerably more difficult. And I suffered a lot.

My parents tried their best and me admitting this would hurt them. But it’s still the truth.

2 by 2 fathers is plenty, would not add a 3rd with a different father yet again.

I think some of the replies on here are quite unkind - I don't think pps are wrong, but the wording feels very harsh.

I don't think you should have another baby now, for lots of reasons.

• you say your relationship isn't stable - babies put a lot of strain on relationships. Additionally, it's quite complex emotionally managing children from different fathers within a family.
• three children is significantly harder than two. You may find you are managing well with two but three is too hard. Three is not a crazy number of children to have; however, it's harder and more expensive than two. As a single parent the impact is even greater - more children than hands is hard!
• you are still really young. If you've been dealing with mh issues and also been a parent for a while, you may feel like you've been an adult for a long time, but it is still really young.
• there's no guarantee that your mh will get better as you get older (I don't know much about EUPD but I have experience of other mh conditions) but you are likely to get better at managing it and more mature generally. Also, your brain is still developing due to your age. It's likely that in a few years you will be more capable of having another baby successfully - additionally your children will be older and that will make it easier.

I don't think you should write off the idea of having a third child completely, but I would suggest deciding to wait - maybe having something like the coil - and revisiting in three or five years.

If its something you've only just started to experience then there's no thought behind it. You're still very young. Only you know whether you cam give another baby everything they need emotionally and financially. Future stability and so on. And if your relationship is rocky that's not a good start.

Most children's mums aren't 23 with EUPD and in an unstable relationship. Please, please don't do it.

The big question here is how does the new partner feel about his step kids? Does he love them? Is he good to them? He says he wants “a kid of his own”, but is he looking for a real partner or a surrogate uterus he can impregnate then feck off?

@Differentstarts spanner in the works here!! what happens when this partner decides he has had enough of playing happy families?? do you move on to having a 4th baby with yet another partner? who is going to subsidise all those children that you keep having because you want them?? Joe Public????? you need to waken up to yourself and think how you will support the two kids you have when this guy packs it in!!

There are other things in life which give people fulfilment, Differentstarts. If we all gave into the urge every time we felt broody there would be little room on the planet.

Give your head a wobble, for goodness sake. Babies are not babies for that long, you could have one next year and feel the same two years later - and so forth.

Dear oh dear.

If you have a baby now OP, you'll be broody when they turn 4 and the next one too. Unless you fix the issue that is making you feel this way. Have counselling. Focus on getting better for your DC. Then wait in a long term relationship to really figure your partner out, for years. Have your third baby with the man you choose to spend the rest of your life with, after really knowing him for a long time. I had my first at 25 and I now know I wasn't really mature enough.

Actually, they do, and many kids from large families will attest to that. They definitely do when there are 3 different fathers in the picture and the relationship between mum and latest boyfriend is already rocky.

I'd just really try and give it at least a couple more years just focusing on you as a couple and your MH. Let your DC get a bit older with the focus on just the 2 of them.

I'd also be very aware of the benefits cap of 2 DC. It might be OK while you're together but if you did (god forbid) split up then it could make things very hard.

The fact someone even needs to say this to you, is quite alarming.

Also .
You need something for you ,for when they are all grown up and don't need you any more ..that's when you regret not making the m,ost of yourself..
I couldn't have a career,as mine had disabilities,with endless hospital appointments and then no school places ...but in another life ,I'd of had a fabulous career and made my children proud

This. With bells.

Reading that initial post the OP sounds incredibly immature, I fear for those two little kids, doesn’t sound like they’re getting the love, attention, financial stability, secure attachment and full attention from their mom who seems more concerned with her on and off BF and breeding some more.

answering your question OP: yes, it’s wrong to bring in another child into an insecure relationship when you’re 23 and already have 2 kids from two different dads, please don’t do that to your children. Maybe down the line and once you find a safe and solid relationship with a man who loves your kids you’ll be able to have another one.

Who is financing the children you have already OP?
Do you have a steady job/career prospects/child care?

This would be an extremely bad idea. Disruptive for your existing children, potentially bad for your already poor mental health and bad for your finances (and those of your existing children).

Focus on the needs of the children you have.

That’s not what I was implying, what I’m trying to say is get yourself in a better state if you can…then have another baby.

I think op, at 23 you have LOADS of time to be thinking about expanding your family. I only had my first at 35! I understand feeling broody totally and that can be quite overwhelming, but you need to think about this logically. If you need to be a single parent to 3 children that's going to massively impact the life you can provide for them. I'm a single mother to one ds and I would LOVE to have more, but I know there is a limit to what I can provide financially for ds. I want to be able to accommodate school trips, hobbies, things he wants that his friends will have, holidays, days out as a family and to have money aside to help set him up with things like a car or a house or getting married that will be even more expensive by the time it comes around for him to try and do it. I work full time and I earn a good wage but it's still really tight.

Obviously everyone has to weigh up their priorities for parenting within their budget, but I want ds to grow up secure and with stability and I know if I had more children that would just get harder with each child.

EUPD can also make it difficult to sustain a solid support network and to maintain healthy relationships. You need to try and get to a place where you are the most stable in yourself before you add more responsibility and demand into your life. Because while babies are wonderful, they are super intense as well. And as a single parent you have to have a decent support network around you to help you manage. I think op you need to really think about what a child needs from their mother and if you can realistically provide that for 3 children all at the same time.

The breakdown of my family was by stbxhs doing but that was still a trauma and a big loss for ds even though he was really small at the time. I cannot imagine being willing to put a child through that just to satisfy my own desire to have a baby. Being a mother (especially a single mother) in a big part is about sacrifice and putting your children before yourself and your own wants and needs so you're setting them up for the best life they can have.

I agree with others who recommend you channel your broodiness into being the best mum you can be for your existing children and use this time to really invest in yourself, your wellbeing and managing your own mental health. Your existing kids need the best possible version of you, not a sibling and a mum who's spread herself too thin and is struggling.

Maybe it's your mental health causing the intense need for another baby? Are you craving that initial new baby euphoria to fill a whole? Can you give those children everything they need in 10 years time when maybe you have 5 children?