To plan for a baby in an unstable relationship

You're getting some really blunt responses but that's mumsnet for you.

I'm very professionally familiar with eupd. My advice would be to get yourself in your best and most stable place first. Push for DBT if you haven't had it yet, learn all the skills, find some kind of employment you like (that comes with mat leave), go to college if you want to, get really good support in place.

I'd suggest seeing this as your last pregnancy and set yourself up so that in a year or two you are well and you can have the uneventful and settled pregnancy/early years you and your family deserve with no regrets.

But what if it’s not a son? Is he mature enough for this?

You are 23 years old and already have two children. Please, concentrate on them and focus on your life and ambitions. You are young. Having more children will just drag you down. Get into hobbies, study something new.

Because it’s not just about you. It’s about the two children you’ve already brought into this world. Your desires take a backseat to their needs—it’s part of being a grownup. All babies grow up—they aren’t babies for long and continuing to have babies just because you like them is not sustainable. I personally wouldn’t consider another baby until the following are achieved:

• on track with a private pension to take care of myself in my old age
• on the same page with DP, ideally married; he needs to want/be ready for the time/financial commitment of a baby
• a stable home that will not be overcrowded with the addition of a new baby; guarantees that I wouldn’t be kicked out
• strong, resilient mental health for 12+ months
• feeding/clothing/providing extras for my current children isn’t currently a stress or struggle; there is money left over at the end of the month to easily be allocated to the new baby’s expenses
• I had lots of time available to support current kids with homework and clubs, and the confidence that I could continue to support even whilst sleep-derived with a newborn

But you're not living your life. You may think you are but i guess you fell pregnant at 15 ? maybe 16 ? so being a Mum has been your role since you were a child yourself.

There is so much more to enjoy in life and plenty of time for another child if that's what you really want.

Enjoy the ones you have for a while. Make memories with them. Focus on yourself, your mental health, and making a good future for your children.
Please don't bring another child into another unstable relationship.

@Differentstarts Personality disorders often have a genetic/ heritable factor so your current children should be your utmost priority to ensure they grow up with as much stability and support as possible, you wouldn’t want your own kids to go through what you have been through in your life?

What else do you want OP other than a baby? What else do you enjoy/are interested in? Because you've have AGES ahead to have a baby. Plenty of time to let your relationship develop, give 100% of your parenting to your DC while they need you so much, and also do some things for you. Is there a job you fancy and want to work towards?

Op, I understand how you feel because I was in a very similar boat to you when I was your age. My relationship didn't work out, and I didn't have the third baby I desperately wanted. And I am so so glad. Whilst some aspects of parenting do get easier as they get older, I can assure you that others get much much harder. I have also had my mental health struggles, and ensuring the needs of two dependent beings are always met is exhausting. My mental health has improved as they have gained bits of independence and I have been able to carve out time for myself and my dreams. But it is still very hard. Now, I'm sad to say I look forward to the youngest being that bit older that my life doesn't revolve around school pickups, ferrying to clubs, battling to get homework done, showers taken, bedrooms tidied (x infinity).
Most of my friends my age are just starting to have babies now. In stable relationships, with stable finances and secure social networks. When one is overwhelmed, there's someone there to take over. Two sets of supportive grandparents and aunts and uncles. Money for all the expensive things on the xmas list, holidays, days out etc. I don't regret having my kids when I did or they wouldn't be who they are. But I would not recommend it to anyone else. That kind of stability is something I am still working towards (though I'm getting closer all the time) and wish every day I had been able to give my kids from the start.
A baby might be what you want right now. But it is not what you need xxx

She's 23. She has 12 years before she even needs to start thinking about losing her fertility. But even if she was 39 and exactly where she is now, unstable, mentally ill, in an on-off relationship and already with 2 kids, that's a shame, but it doesn't mean a child deserves to get dragged into it. Plenty of women never even get the chance to have one child. She's got 2 and they need to be her priority before bringing more instability into the mix.

Nope. You need to focus on the children you have.
Improving your relationship and your mh .
It would be very selfish to have another child now.
You are far to young to be focusing all your happiness on a baby .
You sound impulsive and foolish to plan to be a single parent again .
You have plenty of time to have more in the future

I do understand the broodiness, OP.

You say that mental illness doesn't improve. But there are studies that show that most people with EUPD do improve as they get older.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4500179/

Why not wait a bit? You are still so young.

3 kids under 25 years is a lot to take on when you have EUPD.

Praying this is just a goady post

Is your name Katie Price OP?

Sorry love. This thread must be hard

First time I’ve seen a unanimous 100% YABU on a MN poll. That says it all. Don’t do it.

Please don't have another baby yet.

Spend this time working on yourself, getting better coping mechanisms of when you are going through bad bouts of EUPD.

Invest this time in really becoming ultra stable with your partner - 2 years is not long, particularly if you have been breaking up and then getting back together again. Plus you are only 23 - you are not fully developed yet.

I know the broody feelings but you need to think bigger picture and do what is best for you & your DC first, then your BF. A few more years of investing in your own mental health and solidifying what you have with your BF is what most people are suggesting

What if she misses her opportunity to have children?

She HAS two children. And she's very young so has at least 10 years to have another if she'd like (and is stable enough).

The people who are important are the two existing children. Having a mum with EUPD is really rough on children. Really rough. I wonder if you are aware of the symptoms. www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms/

Does that sound like a safe and secure parental relationship?

As someone who’s mother has never been ‘100% mentally well’, had undiagnosed bpd, should never really have had children in her mindstate, and who took her own life 3 days ago, PLEASE do not bring anymore children into this. The effect it has on them, especially as you’re admitting you will never be 100% mentally well, is immense. You have no idea if it’ll progress to be worse as you get older. The more children my mum had the worse she got, and honestly we’ve all got a huge amount of trauma because of it. Please focus on the two you’ve got and find healthy ways to try and manage your mental state rather than bringing more children into the picture who could potentially just end up suffering.

this is before even touching on the issues around the ‘unstable relationship’.

What if she misses her opportunity to have children?

Eh? She already has two.

Perhaps considering the actual lives of these existing children is more important than encouraging OP to add a third into the mix?

She has got children.
Two of them.

And the father figure is 'at present'
Who knows how long he'll be around?

How involved are the other two?

Temporary, we've been together nearly 2 years. We live together, split bills and raise 2 children together. It's not some random

So what happens when you're going through an 'off' phase?

Honestly, I now see why scientists say that the brain doesn't mature until about 25. Grow up and focus on your DC rather than your own selfish desires.

I agree with the above ^^

OP could you train to work in a nursery, school or another job where you have contact with babies and young children? It will fill the broodiness hole while you’re working on being the best mum you can to the children you already have

Look at it this way, OP has 2 children already. She provides for them from what we have been told, and they have a father figure in their lives at present.
OP has acknowledged their mental health struggles, and said they are currently supported by a MH team.
Being mentally unwell does not mean you can't be a parent. This is awful to elude to. It is 2024.
She has said that she takes responsibility for the instability of her relationship, as she is prone to pushing people away. Again, this is something that can be worked on, and who's to say they aren't working on it already?
Real life is not sunshine and rainbows. Real life doesn't always work out as we want it to, and it's not always ideal.
It would be lovely if everybody was to have the perfect living situation before having children. But it often doesn't work that way.
If you're suggesting OP wait.. what if the perfect relationship doesn't come along? What if she misses her opportunity to have children?
She wants to have another child. That's her decision. She's asked for advice yes.. but you're probably not going to change her mind !