To plan for a baby in an unstable relationship

She said she works part time in her post.

do you work OP?

I would focus right now on yourself and your current children. If you are not working, work.

I you end up breaking up with this bloke, you need something behind you i.e work/savings and stability for your kids

dont bring another in the world yet - you have loads of time to do that - sort yourself first

If I was in your position, this is what I would do:

1. Get your mental health sorted first. It will mean a better life for you, your existing children and your relationships (whether it's this one or a further one)

2. Then when you are in a solid, loving, health relationships (no one and off stuff) for 5 years, then consider having a child. You are still young and have plenty of time to have another in future.

I can't have any. I completely understand the bearing you speak about but it is absolutely something you can overcome and make peace with. Even discuss it with counsellers and your mental health team.

Tell them you need help dealing with the desire and help putting a 5 year plan in place to improve your mental health and to ensure you only have your next child when you are in a health and happy relationship.

What you want is possible but it will be far better if you allow it more time.

Take care of yourself first.

I'm trying to get opinions of others which I did think a lot would think it was a bad idea at present but I thought it would be more mixed.

And now that you see it's not really mixed, that most people think waiting is a good idea, can you delay. Even give yourself a year to think. What about doing something else to give novelty, a college course or something?

Give yourself some more time. EUPD is a tricky illness and I know you say you might never be fully 'well', but that's why you need to start with as stable a foundation as possible to give yourself all the support you need: a 2-year relationship is not that long in the grand scheme of things, especially when you already have children, and bringing a new baby (plus a change of meds) into it is likely to cause even less stability.

Go full-time at work if you're able and save some money, so that if your relationship doesn't work out you've got a safety net. Keep working with CMHT to get yourself as stable as possible. Give yourself longer as a couple with your partner and enjoy this time together - it sounds like he's happy to wait, so wait because you're only very young and you have plenty of time. It's not that people think someone with mental illness shouldn't have a child ever, but in a self-confessed unstable relationship that's relatively short when you're young to be having your first child never mind your third, there's a lot to think about and you have plenty of time to think and plan ahead. Recognising your impulsivity is a good first step: think of fighting that to plan carefully for another child in future as an investment in all your children's lives.

Also, you're broody for a baby. They're only babies for such a short time - then they're children, who need a lot of time and emotionally support and money spending on them. As the child of a mother who has variously been diagnosed with borderline personaity disorder, then bipolar, then EUPD (who knows what the correct diagnosis is!), it was at times difficult on us growing up. I'm not saying the same is true for your children, but making sure you're in the absolute best place to have another child if you want to in future would be my recommendation, so that you don't find yourself in a situation that causes you to struggle.

But you aren't having another baby it's another person..its just a cute little baby for about 10 months. Even on a practical level 3 kids is a handful specially having 2 of the same gender close in age. Adding another into the mix isn't that simple. Just give yourself a few years to get settled, save money, you have soooo much time !

@Differentstarts don't forget that if your relationship did break down and you were single parenting, you can only claim benefits for two children - you won't get anything for your third (ot more)

Do you have your own home and good income?
Plenty thousands in savings to cover mat leave and then childcare?

You are young
focus on the ones you have

I think part of the problem is that you probably haven't experienced parenting in a committed, stable and supportive relationship, so you'd probably don't realise how important it is. After all, you managed without that with 1&2 right...

A relationship that you choose to have kids in shouldn't be unstable. It should have enough history behind it that you can be confident of it lasting. You need to be sure enough of their character, of how hard working they are, of how trustworthy they are, that you know it will be an equal partnership...

I've had a look at some of your previous posts, you clearly aren't in great physical shape either which is having an impact on you, are on a programme to reduce the risk of you developing T2 diabetes, which is alarming at such a young age. You've had issues with drugs and alcohol in the past, an unstable childhood (no criticism, it just furthers that you've not have much experience of stability). It's not that the first day abandoned his child, but you don't know who the dad is. This isn't many to be a criticism, the fact that you're in a semi stable relationship at all after the start you've had, is awesome, but I think it's masking the fact that a 2y one-off relationship is too unstable for more kids.

It's not never, just not now.

@IAKnowyou are you actually saying OP should have another baby right now? And that it's just AIBU posters being daft suggesting this isn't the right time? Pretty far fetched.

OP please consider the risk that your next child could be born with a disability or additional needs. Not all babies are born healthy - would you be able to cope? How would the new baby impact your current relationship and children?

Would you really want to damage the stability you currently have just to (temporarily) remove your broodiness?

I agree with PPs - focus on your own health and being the best parent you can be. Once your current children are grown up you'll still be young enough for a third or fourth!

@Differentstarts i don’t really know why or what you are asking for on here. It sadly isn’t great and you aren’t getting the answers you want. Nothing we say or do is going to stop u having a baby. It’s not the right thing to do but I think you have made your decision already.
Maybe once your daughters are older and end up going through similar you will see the impact that this has all had on them. You sound younger than 24 tbh.

Even if the relationship was close to perfect it'd still be a bad decision to have a baby right now. You are very young with 2 children and a part time job. This is the time to build a more stable life for your children. Having more kids can come later when your relationship isn't unstable and you have more money behind you.

I'd definitely have at least 3 more children preferably with different fathers.
Unschool them all and re-home an XL Bully or two.
(I would also stop posting bollocks on MN when you're bored)

His frontal lobe won’t even be fully developed for another year.

I think it’s less bad than the previous 2 experiences. That doesn’t mean is smart, though.

You were so young when you first got pregnant, did you ever get the chance to ask yourself who you are, what you want from life, and how you can achieve that independently?

I am a strong believer in a couple raising children together. But I am an even stronger believer in those two adults knowing who they are, and being able to support themselves individually, first.

Would you be able to support 3 children alone, emotionally and financially, should something happen?

I’m not saying your boyfriend leaving you. But he gets in a car accident, or contracts a long-term illness - what would be of you all?

It's not that bad. But on AIBU people will tell you is absolutely IS that bad

Sadly, reading this, it is in fact “that bad.”

I still think you would be better waiting and trying to improve your life and your 2 daughters without having a 3rd dc.

I have 3,it is jolly hard work

I'm going to be really blunt here though I am sure you won't pay a blind bit of notice, and you'll be juggling fathers around for the next 20 years or more.

You are far too young to tie yourself down any more. You've been a mum since you were 17 ffs. What are you actually going to do with your life? You can't support the children you already have on a PT wage!!

You have an unstable relationship so the idea of launching a baby into that scenario is stupid and irresponsible. You have years ahead of you to have more babies. Why not wait until you are in a settled, happy, long-term relationship. Two years isn't long. I'd be heartbroken if you were my daughter. I have two, both older than you, and instead of making babies while they were barely out of childhood, they've gone to uni, they've lived abroad, they've established careers for themselves. I was with my DH for 5 years before we got married, and we had our first baby 7 years after that. Still managed to have three.

Three children is a LOT. We both had good salaries, owned our own home, and it got more expensive as they got older, not less.

You would be best advised to stick with the medication that is currently working for you and not mess around with it to be pregnant.

Find something else to fill your life up rather than another baby. Do something with it; put yourself in a better position to have a baby later if that's what you want to do.

You've already got a child whose father isn't in the picture. Now that's not your fault, but how sad it is that her sister has her dad and she doesn't. Who's to say your current boyfriend would stick around if you had another baby? Presumably you didn't think the first one was going to fuck off leaving you holding the baby literally?

Just don't.

Stop being so selfish and consider the baby you would be bringing into an unstable situation. Maybe you are ok being a single mother but I'm sure the baby would prefer to not to be born into an unstable situation.

It’s obvious you’re very emotionally unstable and make impulsive decisions (and diagnosed as such). Why on Earth do you think having another baby would be a good idea? You feel emotional when you see a baby and feel like crying because you aren’t emotionally stable - this is not a normal reaction.