To plan for a baby in an unstable relationship

I would wait until both girls are in high school so say when your 30 and then review having a baby with boyfriend or even 2. Let's you devote your time to the kids that you have and assure yourself your in a stable relationship for the long haul.

Then you seem to have some control over this type of hurtful behaviour. My fear is as the children get older and become adults you will start to use this tactic on them too. It’s quite a manipulative behaviour to get attention and “love”, teenagers are programmed to push boundaries and I expect you will start to use this behaviour on them then. Ive seen it over and over. Your will end up estranged from your kids. You need to get yourself sorted and get help 🙏 you deserve support and help, but a baby won’t provide that.

I will say @Differentstarts I think there's usually plenty of room to improve/things to do that can improve your mental health.

Especially at 23, there will be loads of things that haven't been tried yet. x

I have bipolar BTW and I had 2 miscarriages but I don't regret not having had children now, because I don't think I would've coped easily with any.

I loved all that too, and I get where you are coming from. I had two miscarriages on the way to having my 3rd child, and I was old enough then to have been your mother! I think in another world, I could happily have had baby after baby, but you have to stop at some point.

You've got years and years ahead of you to do that. I think if you had a 3rd, you'd then want a 4th, and on and on. Your 7 and 4 year olds are still cute too, will still love cuddles and smiles! You can look forward to having a 3rd baby sometime in the future - the door is not closed. They're only babies still really!

You have had your partner's support for the last 2 years - but how do you think it would be if you and he split up, and you had 3 children all on your own? Do you have any family support at all? (sounds as though you may not?) I'm sure you don't want to repeat the cycle of what you've gone through with your own girls, and you don't want to find yourself in a position where you can't cope.

Your girls are lovely ages and I think you'd be best off using this time to concentrate more on you. On healing, on improving your mental health, maybe some training that would enable you to have a better quality of life even if you did end up single again.

OP is not well and might not be able to work full time. Not everyone can.
Also, a lot of women work 16 hours and then top it up maybe and they would be worse off financially or in other ways if they did more.

16 hours of work per week is not much at all. Would you be able to support 3 children financially if you had to? I would really encourage you to move towards full time work and a decent career. You could return to education or training to help with that. There is always time for another baby once you are in a more stable position, in terms of both your relationship and your financial situation.

That is not a good reason to bring a human being into this world. Your relationship is new, you are young. You have 2 healthy young children. This is why cycles don’t get broken.

You mentioned that you work part time. How many hours a week do you work?

Also, you said that your current relationship has been on and off. How much time have you actually been together?

Honestly, I would say it would be best to focus on your children, your mental health, and building a career that would allow you to be financially independent. You're so young, give yourself some time to concentrate on these aspects of your life, not having another baby.

I'm older than you but have 2 and would like a third so I kind of know how you feel, but..
It sounds like you've been in care and had a lot of challenges in your life, you're very young and have been looking after your children during the years when most people are being selfish and focusing on their own lives.
Now your 2 children are getting that bit more independent, you could have the chance to focus on yourself and do some things that you want. You could train, get qualifications, get a well paid rewarding job for example, one day buy a house..
In any case 2 years is too short a relationship to be having children, especially when you're both so young. Wait till you've been together 5 years, take some time to think about your own future, and then if you're still keen, go for it.

This sounds a really good plan. Maybe give it a year and see where you are then and see if another year would be a good idea. I know at 23, two years feels a loooong time and you’re getting advice from many people much older who know how long it really takes to work someone out as a partner (unfortunately from experience). It would also be nice to get your youngest really settled for a few years in school before you focus on a baby.

That’s really good of you then and shows how far you’ve come. Well done op. (Replying to where you said you came on here instead of just doing it).

@Differentstarts EMDR is a therapy that can make a big difference to EUPD because it processes the trauma at its root, in a very powerful but gentle way.

Made a big difference for me.

You can ask for it on the NHS if you can't afford it. x

Honestly, I think you need to "get some perspective". It is that bad. You've had it tough in your young life. I think you'd be better to concentrate on healing as much as you can rather than try to make it better with babies.

You're still too young. Slow down!

Get married first maybe? Give yourself something to focus on instead of a baby for now, then try afterwards

Currently there's a 2 child limit on benefits so bear that in mind.

I had my first at 18 and I’m now having my second at 34. I’m a business owner, have been in my relationship for 5 years and am overall in a much better place

I’m so glad I waited, tbh I never felt broody whilst my first was growing up as I was wracked with guilt that I couldn’t give her a lot. My mental health was shot, my relationships were abusive and I was just about coping. I made it and she’s a lovely kid but I feel so much more confident this time round. I could not give one shit about the age gap

you’re so young and so are your kids, it really wouldn’t hurt to wait and build yourself a really strong future

This. Do you miss the baby stages, or do you really see yourself with 3 adult children in 25 years time?

Have you thought about how a 3rd child would affect your older children in terms of your time and resources? And what if a 3rd child had significant medical illness or disability?

You have years to work on your mental health and either your relationship stabilisers or you might meet someone else. Literally so many options for you.

Honestly it seems to me that all of these diagnoses are thrown at women in particular, especially women who had a difficult upbringing or some form of childhood trauma (not saying that's the case for you, but it seems to be a very common factor), and they're very much a balancing act to manage - I completely empathise how hard it must be and I think it's genuinely really good that you're trying to tackle the impulsivity part of it. And I think for the sake of your kids having the most stable possible upbringing you can give them, give yourself a little longer to be as well as possible while they're figuring out your diagnosis and your meds and what therapy you need (DBT has been very effective for my mum!). You're so young - you've got ages, and you'll be a better mum for having a stronger, more stable relationship and more time to plan :)

What is your financial position OP? If you receive benefits, you should be aware that there is a 2-child benefit cap so you wouldn't be able to claim benefits for your third child. That might mean that you would struggle financially.

Stress will massively impact your EUPD.
Babies bring stress.
In your position, I would concentrate on engaging in therapy and getting a little bit older before having more children. EUPD usually gets easier to manage as you age.

Ultimately you'll do as you wish, but I think you need to focus on clad iron stability in your life, maybe even get married, get some savings, work on stress management then have another baby.

And even kids to parents with stable MH are affected by having siblings