To be mad at MIL for sharing my intimate medical info with a friend? *content warning added by MNHQ- traumatic detail post birth*

How utterly ridiculously dramatic and childish. That poor woman. Oversteps once whilst trying to help and you refuse to forgive the woman for seventeen long years?!?!

Madness. Total madness.

The nurse was giving generic advice without knowing the specific identifying details of OP. She hasn’t breached anything.

When I went through similar 23 years ago (forceps, episiotomy, stitches, major blood loss, transfusions, immense pee pain - yes - I STILL remember the whole thing in vivid technicolour, including the blood on the ceiling - oh - and the removal of the stitches but not all of them ...) I could not have cared less if my MIL had told the entire universe about it if she had been able to stop the pain. I honestly fail to see what she has done wrong. Symptoms were discussed - not pictures of the OP's vagina being passed round the local pub.

@CustardCreams2Whaaaaat?! My DD’s birth was exactly the same and it was nobody’s fault but natures! I am nothing but immensely & profoundly grateful to them all for saving my baby’s life and that of my own…..

My MIL did something very similar in a similar set of circumstances. I have yet to forgive her. DC in question is 17. It made a the hardest moments of my life harder.

you have all my sympathies. It will get better just take each day, each hour at time. Don’t think too far into the future. Get good support. Talk to people when you are ready. Be kind to yourself. And remember to eat (I wasn’t brave enough to for days)

Negligence claim for what exactly?
You do realise birth isn't an exact science and people haemorrhage afterwards. That is why there is PPH Post Partum Haemorrhage protocol and emergency trolley.

The midwife suggested to me taking a jug a hand-warm water and pouring over yourself when you pee. It really helps with the stinging!

I think you've over reacted, personally.

She talked to a 'friend' of hers with a medical background in an attempt to help you after you told her you were in pain and struggling.

You've never had an issue with her before and said she's been a good MIL. Can you not honestly see that she was worried about you and trying to help?

A quiet word when you're feeling better would have been more appropriate, or having your DH talk to her, about you not being comfortable with sharing your personal details with others, even medical professionals, would have been a better way to handle it.

But, as it stands, you reamed her via messaging, so now she's taken a huge step back, probably out of fear of saying/doing the wrong thing and not being able to see any of you, which you're calling 'cold'.

I think you owe her an apology and a conversation, personally. Others will likely disagree.

Congratulations on your new baby. I'm sorry you had such an awful time after having the baby, it must have been terrifying for all of you, and your hormones from birth combined with pain hormones must have you all over the place emotionally. I hope you start to feel more like yourself soon.

That's a really immature response

I agree with PP's, that she's unreasonable but I think it came from a good place and if you previously had a good relationship it's probably best to let this go, as long as she realises and respects your privacy moving forwards

Not how I read it.

She was worried and talked to a friend who was a nurse, probably for her own reassurance as well as advice. She thought she was doing it for the best, but you are understandably not happy about it. At least she is on your side not the MIL from hell, try and build bridges.

Sorry you had a traumatic birth and you are possibly still very emotional about it all.

I would learn to forgivd and build bridges with MIL.
Life is too short and it will be better all round if air can be cleared.
She is not malicious and evil who planned to do this.
We can all makes mistakes. Let it go and unite for your baby and your family unit.

Fall outs cause toxic environments. Resentment, anger and anxiety. Why bring all this into your life. It makes you ill and destroys happiness.

Sounds exactly like the birth I had, except it ended up with a full spinal block & forceps. It ended the exact same though. I know your pain and I promise it eases a lot quicker than you’ll likely expect. Milk baths helped me.

I understand where you’re coming from with your MIL but it doesn’t sound like she was gossiping, rather that she was trying to help. Does she struggle with affection/words of comfort? The reason I ask, is that for some people, finding ways to help is their ‘love language’. That’s how they show their love & affection, by helping/trying to help. Doesn’t make her breaching your confidence ok though, of course.
Does this friend of hers know who you are/do you know her? If you do know each other then that’s even worse!

If not, then isn’t it the same as you putting all of that info on here? You’re a stranger to her, just as you are to us. Either way though, still not ok of course.

Hope you feel better soon

You should look into a negligence claim. You could’ve easily died. Frightening. Regards the MIL, yes totally out of line discussing your private medical info without your consent- the only slight saving grace here is that she forwarded you these messages- so wasn’t doing it completely behind your back. Still grounds to be upset tho, tell her that going forward you don’t wish for any medical info to be shared without checking with you first.

Her intention is irrelevant, she has shared private medical information without permission. Had she said "ohh @Betsabea my friend is a nurse, would you be OK if I told her what had happened and asked her advice" that would be different. But she went behind your back. I don't blame you for being angry.

My MIL is normally OK, we arr not close due to how far away they live but we get on. She also has taken to treating me like a silly kid and I also flipped at her recently and said similar abiut being a fully grown adult who could manage her own health (I am nearly 45 ffs).

I sometimes think women of a certain age (my own dm inc) lose the ability to engage their brain before they open their mouths.

Congrats on your baby, and I'm so sorry you went through such a tough time. I hope you'll be able to process it moving forwards.

Right now, your hormones are insane.

You over reacted, she was trying to help.

Poor MIL blah blah ! She discussed your fanny with a complete stranger. No one can honestly think that is OK.

you are not public property! I would have also gone mental.

also best to go hard early in case she has poor boundaries with your child…..

not unreasonable, don’t apologise

She may have been well intentioned but has massively overstepped and no you don’t apologise. She should, not you. Hopefully this will make her think next time

then again I would not be discussing any personal issues with her now and my husband would be told not to as well

I would be absolutely furious with MIL and certainly wouldn't ever share anything personal with her again. Sounds like she's licking her wounds. She needs a hobby rather than trying to 'help' you by talking about your most intimate of health woes with a well intentioned stranger.

I can understand she was trying to help but discussing specific details of your vagina was an overstep, then forwarding you the messages must have felt like a real invasion of privacy. Especially because you hadn’t asked for advice!

The nurse didn't she answered MIL text and the MIL forwarded it onto the DIL

OP nearly died, has some very painful birth injuries and is only 9 days post partum. If anyone should be cut some slack it's OP rather than her MIL.

Her MIL may have meant well, but it was a breach of OP's privacy and she discussed things that OP finds embarassing. She could have asked OP if she would like MIL to speak to her friend who's a nurse. OP would have said no and that would have been the end of it.

My mum sounds similar to your MIL in her approach to medical information. She thinks nothing of telling me in detail about her friends' bladder and bowel issues and I'm sure has shared all sorts about me with them! It doesn't bother me too much as it's basically just kindhearted middle aged women sharing their own woes and those their family. They all discuss the most intimate matters without any embarrassment! However, my sister absolutely hates anything about her life being shared outside the family, let alone medical information, and views it as a massive violation of her privacy. I completely understand her point of view and agree she is absolutely right to insist on her personal experiences being kept private. She has now made this clear to my mum as it had previously caused a big falling out between them.

If I were you, I would either talk to your MIL about how this has made you feel, or get your husband to talk to her as he has offered. She needs to know what your boundaries are and respect them moving forward. She most likely meant well but she needs to understand that her actions have upset you.

I also agree with a previous poster that arranging a debrief at the hospital, at some point down the line, could be very helpful for you. I had a traumatic first birth and there were things that happened of which I'd been oblivious at the time or had since blotted out. The debrief helped to clarify things for me and made the emotional healing process easier. Take care x

Very odd of this nurse to message you!

Your MIL has a lot of making up to do. Don't let this slide.

I would have been bloody livid as well. It’s your private medical information and she had no right to discuss it with anyone without your permission.