To be mad at MIL for sharing my intimate medical info with a friend? *content warning added by MNHQ- traumatic detail post birth*

She was obviously trying to help. This will be one of those situations you look back on in a few years and wonder why you reacted this way, I speak from experience when everything is calm and normal and this is a distant memory I think you are most likely going to regret making a big thing of it.

Pretty identifying to say my DIL.....

Sorry I missed your update. 💯 with you on this.

The uterus can hold a hell of a lot of blood, it pools there!

I know you are saying she was discussing your vagina but she was discussing birth and that's the body part involved. People share much more intimately post birth than they would normally talking about tears, episiotomy, stitches etc. People ask each other how they are healing, we all know where they are referring to. In normal life no we don't enquire after each other's vaginas but this is entirely different.

I think YABU. I'm sorry you had a horrible birth experience but I think you are lucky to be surrounded by people who care. I think you are very foolish to start this new phase of life with an argument with a helpful MIL. You want to set boundaries and that's ok but I think you should apologise for your reaction but also reiterate that you feel strongly about her sharing personal information. I'm sure it won't happen again. Don't push a good MIL away.

PPH is classed as a loss over 500ml.

A big PPH is over 1000ml and life endangering when you get to 2000ml.

It is not unheard of for a woman to lose 750ml quite literally in seconds as the reproductive organs are incredibly vascular.

I've seen it myself. A woman went from 500ml to 2000ml in minutes. She ended up with an emergency hysterectomy under GA as nothing could control the bleeding, losing a further 1000ml in theatre.

I've also seen a woman lose 300ml during episiotomy repair. I thought that blood loss was underestimated if anything.

No it isn’t. She doesn’t know. I am a grown adult who is more than capable of putting things to one side and getting on with people. She is my husband’s mother and my children’s grandmother she has a huge place in our lives.

But she is/was well aware I am an incredibly private person. My husband told her in confidence because he needed to talk to someone because he thought his wife was dying. She was well aware that the info she had was not up for public discussion. Well aware. She still chose to tell the world and his wife. I cannot and will not forgive it. Yes forget it of course. But I was absolutely floored by DC1 arrival and the aftermath. Floored. I did not need great Aunt Ethel phoning me up telling me I should have done better. I didn’t need MIL trying to convince my mother (who at the time did not know the full details) that I should sue the hospital.

So of course I have long since “forgotten” and get on with her well. forgive - never.

A PPH can be disguised until quite late! The body compensates.

Totally justified in your reaction.
I stopped telling MIL anything I didn’t want the world to know years ago. She can’t help herself blabbing to all and sundry.
Congratulations on your new arrival and I Hope you feel better soon x

Yes or alternatively and as grim as it sounds standing and peeing the shower with the warn shower flow. I promise this was an afrer birth occurrence only. Well actually and after corrective surgery too. Your birth experience @Betsabea sounds so similar to mine but (not playing one upmanship, I promise) I had a double episiotomy and had to have 3 x corrective surgery after too.

It does get better but the warm water tip does help.

Lovely update!

I told my husband and he agreed that she shouldn't have done it … but he also added that she probably did that because she thought she could be helpful and that she acted out of concern and, in her eyes, my reaction is therefore excessive and unwarranted.

This is how I see it. She made a mistake, overstepped, but she cares about you and will be wary of upsetting you again.
You have become a mum and have had an awful time which, like her, I’m really sorry to hear.
I can see both sides just as your DH can (he also added).
Boundaries have been breached. Re-establish them by talking to her, getting it out into the open. You have nothing to lose but both need to move on.

I haven't.

Neither do you, so why do you feel you have a right to say no malpractice occurred? To get to the point of losing consciousness would have meant a large amount of blood loss went unnoticed.

💯 this

Totally on your side. After my first baby (1993) i was really ill with psychosis. This is a severe psychiatric illness that totally resolves with treatment.

I worked in the NHS at the time but there was such a stigma around mental illness that it was kept of my work records.

My MIL who was a ward clerk in a different hospital to the one i worked in only went and blabbed to collegues.

First i knew she had blabbed is when i phoned for further info on an advertised post in the health authority MIL worked in. And my heart nearly stopped when i was asked "this post involves covering 2 psychiatric wards. How do you think you'd manage there?"

When i explained my I had experience already in my current post, i could just tell by the tone of voice that the person i was speaking to knew about my illness.

I was raging!!!!

Now i am much older of course and i do understand she was very stressed and needed to talk. But it cost me a promotion and it was out of order.

On another note my 17 yr old dd was furious when she found i had mentioned her possible endometriosis to a close friend of mine. It won't go any further but i was out of order mentioning it and won't again.

It's because i was stressing over my dds pain and heavy bleeds so it helped me to offload to a friend. My friend had been through similar and had a suggestion for dd. But dd went ballistic when i passed on the suggestion.

Your MIL had her heart in the right place, but was wrong.

Women have always talked to women about this kind of stuff to try and help and support each other. I'm positive she meant no harm and didn't see it as breaking confidentiality- and would be upset with herself by your perspective on it. I think there's a generational thing going on here too - there's both more openness about women's health issues but also more feeling that medical information is confidential.

The thing is now you know you can't trust her so your relationship will change. My mother and every other older female in the family are obsessed with health issues, their own and everyone else's. I just can't divulge anything personal anymore and it has definitely changed our relationship. I'd forgive her but I wouldn't be telling her anything private going forward.

I too had a hugely traumatic birth, one that I didn’t share with anyone other than my DH ofcourse.

I find the problem with sharing medical information is that everyone has a different boundary. My mother would tell everyone everything (about herself aswell!).

If you don’t want it shared, sadly, you need to make it clear it’s not for sharing. Some people just have no boundaries at all! And also no concept of what is acceptable.

Hope you are getting on well. X

You did over react.
It was done with good intentions.

You weren't in the room, or have access to the notes so why do you feel you are qualified to make judgement on medical competency.

Great post.

You poor thing, it sounds like you endured a truly traumatic birth and haven’t even begun to process it, due to dealing with the painful recovery.

Im sure your MIL meant well but I can see why you are so upset. If your MIL really wanted to make things better for you she would consider your thoughts, feelings and character. You are a private person, she must know this. Instead she has used your situation to generate her own drama, putting herself in the middle of your trauma, under the guise of helping you out.

If people truly want to be helpful, they should consider the person they are helping and what would be best for them.

It wasn’t detected and identified soon enough, OP lost consciousness. ABCDE should have been picked up sooner.

You shouldn't be having to worry about this and to feel that you need to apologise to your MIL. She overstepped massively and should have apologised graciously and meant it rather than giving you the cold shoulder now.

You are the one who nearly died and who is only 9 days post partum with painful injuries, looking after a newborn. Cut yourself some slack rather than your MIL.