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AIBU?

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Original poster

Rejected for birthday action - AIBU or is he?

216 replies

Kendra43 · 08/11/2024 11:06

Odd as it may sound (or it may not, I don't know), I've generally had birthday shags in past relationships, on mine and the other person's birthday

So current partner, been together one year. We had an evening out for my birthday. Beforehand I told him I was wearing a new underwear set and he said 'I look forward to seeing it later 😉'

We get back shortly after 11 and I make my move. He clearly isn't interested. I say 'oh are you not up for it now?'. He says he would've been earlier but now it's late and he's tired.

AIBU to be a bit concerned he just couldn't be arsed? I felt really disappointed. We're early 30s.

OP posts:
coffeesaveslives · 08/11/2024 11:43

@Kendra43 if you want to have sex when you're tired and not really in the mood then that's your choice, but it's really shitty behaviour to try and act like your boyfriend is wrong for making a different choice.

Godoit · 08/11/2024 11:43

Rollercoaster1920 · 08/11/2024 11:20

YANBU. Leave now. Find someone more aligned to your desires and clock. 11 isn't late. Early 30s is young.

But people are different, lots of replies will go both ways. The key thing is whether you and your partner are aligned and it sounds like you are not.

Leave now, because he was tired for sex on 1 occasion? Fucks sake this place gets worse.

Aurorora · 08/11/2024 11:43

I’d also add that you have a thing about birthday sex (which is fine) but that doesn’t mean everyone has a thing about birthday sex. People do things differently

SereneFish · 08/11/2024 11:42

Rollercoaster1920 · 08/11/2024 11:20

YANBU. Leave now. Find someone more aligned to your desires and clock. 11 isn't late. Early 30s is young.

But people are different, lots of replies will go both ways. The key thing is whether you and your partner are aligned and it sounds like you are not.

Yeah, try to meet a man who expects you to give him sex when you don't want it. Then you might change your mind.

Original poster
Kendra43 · 08/11/2024 11:42

Catza · 08/11/2024 11:35

Was it two months ago when he rejected sex as well?

Show quote history

Doubt it as I didn't post about this before.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kendra43 · 08/11/2024 11:41

I am posting to see how realistic my expectations are.

I have a higher sex drive generally, so it can be an issue.

OP posts:
Catza · 08/11/2024 11:41

Kendra43 · 08/11/2024 11:27

I would on his birthday even if tired. There are times he initiates when I'm tired and I do. We both have so much going on that if we never had sex due to tiredness we'd never do it.

Show quote history

That's entirely your prerogative to make this decision. It's not your prerogative to expect him to make the same decision.
"Consent should be clear, voluntary, coherent, and ongoing. Consent can be removed at any time — after all, people do change their minds!" (Source: Healthline).
How you feel about him not consenting or what you would do in a similar situation is, frankly, irrelevant.

Aurorora · 08/11/2024 11:41

should have had sex earlier when he was likely in the mood. Fine to say you’re not in the mood.

N27 · 08/11/2024 11:39

Im guilty of this.

Me at 7pm getting glammed up ready for a night out and me at 11pm after a 3 course meal and a few vinos are not the same people.

Catza · 08/11/2024 11:35

ThatTealViewer · 08/11/2024 11:35

I’m sure I’ve seen this exact post before.

Was it two months ago when he rejected sex as well?

ThatTealViewer · 08/11/2024 11:35

I’m sure I’ve seen this exact post before.

NonPlayerCharacter · 08/11/2024 11:35

Oh no, 11pm on a full stomach, I couldn't either.

ATastingMenuButItsAllCrisps · 08/11/2024 11:34

He rejected sex of an evening about 2 months ago too.

Which is fine.

Imagine if it were a man, tallying up the times his girlfriend didn't want to have sex, then posting about it online. Gross.

Just dump him if he doesn't meet your requirements.

coffeesaveslives · 08/11/2024 11:30

@ClytemnestraWasMisunderstood what's wrong with not being arsed to have sex occasionally?

He doesn't have to force himself to do it just because it's her birthday.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 08/11/2024 11:28

Kendra43 · 08/11/2024 11:23

This is what I thought. We're young and I'd suggested it earlier in the day (teased with new underwear) and he'd responded with enthusiasm.

I don't want to pressure him. I also don't want to end up in a dead bedroom. He rejected sex of an evening about 2 months ago too.

Show quote history

He rejected sex of an evening about 2 months ago too.

It's like he's almost a human being isn't it?

This isn't about someone being too tired for sex sometimes, which is completely normal at any age.

This is about YOUR rejection issues.

You need to think what you're going to do about that because otherwise you'll be in the same position, in every relationship you have.

Original poster
Kendra43 · 08/11/2024 11:27

ClytemnestraWasMisunderstood · 08/11/2024 11:22

What if the roles were reversed and you were too tired on his birthday?
Unless he is a performing seal, don't expect a performance, it's not personal!

I would on his birthday even if tired. There are times he initiates when I'm tired and I do. We both have so much going on that if we never had sex due to tiredness we'd never do it.

OP posts:
coffeesaveslives · 08/11/2024 11:27

I don't want to pressure him. I also don't want to end up in a dead bedroom. He rejected sex of an evening about 2 months ago too.

He's not a performing seal - what on earth is the issue with him saying no? Confused

StormingNorman · 08/11/2024 11:26

Whataday01 · 08/11/2024 11:14

I think he could have made the effort.

It’s been a long time since I’ve heard anyone advise someone to lay back and think of England.

I wouldn’t think anyone needs to make an effort to have sex they don’t want.

ClytemnestraWasMisunderstood · 08/11/2024 11:25

Is there any spontaneity in your sexual relationship or just when one or the other is 'up for it?'

OnTheBounce · 08/11/2024 11:25

To be devil's advocate for a moment, what other response could he have given when you said, 'Oo-er, I've got fancy birthday knickers on?' 'That's nice, dear, but make sure I don't have the cheeseboard.'

Mum2Fergus · 08/11/2024 11:25

coffeesaveslives · 08/11/2024 11:12

I honestly find the idea of a "birthday shag" massively unsexy, sorry 🙈

Totally agree with this.

Original poster
Kendra43 · 08/11/2024 11:23

Rollercoaster1920 · 08/11/2024 11:20

YANBU. Leave now. Find someone more aligned to your desires and clock. 11 isn't late. Early 30s is young.

But people are different, lots of replies will go both ways. The key thing is whether you and your partner are aligned and it sounds like you are not.

This is what I thought. We're young and I'd suggested it earlier in the day (teased with new underwear) and he'd responded with enthusiasm.

I don't want to pressure him. I also don't want to end up in a dead bedroom. He rejected sex of an evening about 2 months ago too.

OP posts:
ClytemnestraWasMisunderstood · 08/11/2024 11:23

Kendra43 · 08/11/2024 11:13

I think it's the fact he got excited about my birthday underwear and then couldn't be arsed.

I felt pretty undesirable.

"He couldn't be arsed"
Pretty damning.

ClytemnestraWasMisunderstood · 08/11/2024 11:22

What if the roles were reversed and you were too tired on his birthday?
Unless he is a performing seal, don't expect a performance, it's not personal!

coffeesaveslives · 08/11/2024 11:21

Whataday01 · 08/11/2024 11:14

I think he could have made the effort.

Gross.