Rejected for birthday action - AIBU or is he?

I mean unless your sex life is regularly an issue I don’t see any reason to worry over this one time. My husband & I are in our 20’s and are both guilty of this sometimes😂 My 5pm desire for sex really doesn’t match my 11pm after drinking and a big meal desire for sex. 5pm me is all fancy undies and “lets have crazy sex later”, 11pm me after food and drinking is more like “where are my stretchy pj’s and is it bed time yet”. We have a good and healthy sex life, but later after a night of food and alcohol is never my sexiest time!

You can't demand he be in the mood just because your wearing new knickers!!

Were you even actually horny? It sounds like you just wanted to have sex because it was your birthday and you for some reason think that a 'birthday shag' is a thing you should get by default, like a card or a cake.

It's totally okay to be up for sex now, and then actually not be later. Even if you say now 'I want to have sex later' you can change your mind. As can a man.

There are very few men who find women attractive who want sex on demand.

@Kendra43 this happened with me, was thinking we'd have a long romantic night (after a big dinner/back late) but partner was more up for a quick one or bed (had to be up 5 hours later) so we ended up sleeping. I think the best approach is try this earlier which may suit you both. People get tired. I was a bit miffed but I don't think I read the room well at the time.

Me and DP rarely have sex at bedtime. Both tired and want to sleep. But we do have sex in the mornings or an afternoon delight!

birthday shag not a thing here. Normally my period arrives so kind of blocked

BobbyBiscuits · Today 12:44
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It's disappointing. Most blokes would try and perk up a bit if you stripped down to sexy undies. Especially on your birthday.”

What a load of sexist, stereotypical nonsense. If someone is tired and not in the mood, respect that. Full stop. Again, he’s a human being with feelings, not a sex toy for use on demand.

If a partner had said to me but it’s my birthday and so I want sex after I had made it clear that I didn’t, that would seriously compromise my feelings for them.

How often do you feel like going to the gym at midnight, after a long day, after a big rich meal and too many beers?

Men are often (not always) the more energetic partners during sex, and if your stomachs a bit too full or the rooms spinning a bit or your just plain knackered, it's not the most enjoyable thing in the world.

I find that big nights out are actually when me and DP are least likely to have sex, and that when we do it's generally not as good as the rest of the time.

It's disappointing. Most blokes would try and perk up a bit if you stripped down to sexy undies. Especially on your birthday.
But you can't force someone to be in the mood. Does your sex drive and his usually seem to match up? I hope he would want to shag you the next day or something? Unless he really does just have a lower sex drive. Which might prove to mean you're not that suited.

He wanted a cup of tea earlier but didn't get one, later he no longer wanted a cup of tea.

Still miffed?

This in MN, where 100% sexual enthusiasm is necessary in 100% of scenarios (which yes, I take that point), so you will be told, overwhelmingly, that you are being unreasonable. Along with being told, as somewhere above, that you should examine why being turned down for sex makes you feel undesirable.

But I get your point, OP. It's a special occasion – you'd had an intimate meal out, lots of quality time and I'm sure lots of flirting and laughter. I completely understand why you would have been looking forward to some great sex when you got home to top off the great evening, and I can completely understand why having your partner turn you down because he was tired on your birthday, after a lovely date night, would be very disappointing.

If he got unwell from the food or he was having an especially rough day or night for some reason, then yes, you do have to take these things on the chin and not make your partner feel bad about it.

But the way you describe it does indeed sound as though he just didn't want to put in the effort. When you have a lot of demands on your time and energy, then sex can sometimes feel like an effort when it shouldn't, which is a shame, but putting in an active effort to keep that part of your relationship alive and thriving is important – especially on a special night where all kinds of other efforts had been made together.

Yeah forced fun is never fun

At least you've now realised that compromise is needed instead of him having to only do what you want.

Yes

you have some stuff to learn about consent, tbh. Your libidos don't allign. That's fine but NOBODY should be forcing themselves to have sex when they don't want to.

Why are you so fixated on having so much sex?

The fact that he got excited about the birthday underwear means that he does find you desirable. And the fact that he can communicate not wanting sex and feels comfortable to do that is a good thing. The fact you expect sex regardless of how he feels, and are keeping record of him turning down sex is repulsive.

What do you find sexy, if not sex itself?

He must be picking up on her 'feeling rejected/undesirable' whenever he turns down sex.

This is likely to wear him down in the end, until he forces himself to have sex when he's tired to avoid the fallout.

If this happens, I think he should be the one doing the leaving.

that sounds as though you think he should just put out when OP wants him to?

Reverse the sexes and see if you still think that.

(btw if you do: you need to revise "Consent 101")

Agree. I had the most amazing sex on a birthday and then he winked ‘happy birthday!’ at me and it totally ruined everything 😆

I find the idea of shagging unsexy full stop. It just conjures up a 5 minute coupling in some alley way or dark car park.🙁