Rejected for birthday action - AIBU or is he?

Making an effort in this scenario might include making time to spend together, planning an evening out to talk and engage in shared interest, going away for a weekend and make an effort to connect all with understanding that penetrative sex is not an obligation or an expectation. It can naturally follow all and any of these activities but it is not a goal. The goal is to rebuild emotional connection. Physical touch doesn't need to be sexual, sexual touch does not need to lead to penetration. And, certainly, nobody should feel entitled to sex because it's their birthday or because it's "traditional" to do it on Valentine's day.

So it's sex only on his terms then?

No, it's sex on terms that suit both of them. As it should be, you know.

YABU for saying “birthday shag” and using wink emoji.

No sex after 11pm. That sounds a bit depressing, really. So it's sex only on his terms then? I don't think I could live like that, especially if only early 30's.

Maybe he was feeling full/bloated, what had you had for dinner? Were you drunk? Did he have work the following day?
I bet the man haters on here will be telling you to dump him over this but one night not feeling it doesn't mean it's over!

This has to be a wind-up

I'd be interested to know what all these people against 'making an effort for sex' would do in a relationship where intimate time together is falling off a cliff and not being prioritised due to life stressors. Struggling parts of relationships do not fix themselves spontaneously without attention or notice.

Or maybe in wouldn't be that interesting – as this is MN where an awful lot of posters are single, in sexless relationships or always think the very worst of men's motivations.

The poster you quoted didn't mention 'offence'?

They were talking about attraction.

Yep. Imagine telling a woman ‘it’s his birthday you selfish cow just get your knickers off, lie back and think of England. Being bloated after a 3 course meal is no excuse for saying no to your man’

There would be deletions galore with the language posters would use to describe the bloke

I often hear people saying they hate scheduled sex, but in my experience people schedule sex all the time. Date nights, or actual dates when you're at that stage of a relationship, going out on the pull, arranging a home cooker meal at someone's house, dirty weekends, book BDSM dungeons etc. You buy lingerie, shave your legs and all that, because you know when you're going to be doing it. The anticipation is often part of the pleasure.

Obviously that doesn't oblige the other person and they've every right to refuse, no question. I just don't think the concept of working out in advance when it's going to happen is at all unusual or alien.

Who wants to have sex when you know it’s an effort, just to please you. I’d be cringing at that knowing they just want it over and done with so they can go to sleep.

If you're one year in and sex is already something you're having to make an effort for...that's not a great sign

I’d have shagged him before we went out! I can see why he wasn’t up for it after a full meal and some alcohol. Lesson learned, op.

Anyone can not be in the mood anytime. Totally unfair to pressure your boyfriend.

you also reach a certain age and realize that if you want to have sex, you should do it before you go out. It massively increases the odds of both people feeling in the mood and the sex is generally much better.

TriesNotToBeCynical · Today 13:02

Fingeronthebutton · Today 12:51
There are very few men who find women attractive who want sex on demand.

Totally disagree; I may not be able to oblige, but I'm not insecure enough to be offended by the request. I'd take it as a compliment.

Would you still be happy about it if your no resulted in him sulking and posting about you?

Totally agree. Can you imagine people berating a woman for not making the effort.

Gotta laugh at some of you telling OP you understand why she would be upset and he could have 'put some effort in'. Not one of you would be saying that to a man complaining his girlfriend didn't shag him on his birthday.

You're all gross.

Also, what even is this 'making an effort' shit? Nobody should feel like they have to have sex when they don't want to or feel like it FFS. If you think that makes for a happy or normal relationship then you have bigger issues than being told no twice in the last few months.

I don't think it's unusual that you will go through periods of time in your relationship where something that is beneficial to it sometimes seems like an effort to do.

Exercising, eating well, going to the dentist and performing thoughtful gestures for your partner can all feel like effort sometimes, but they are ultimately beneficial and worth putting effort into.

Totally disagree; I may not be able to oblige, but I'm not insecure enough to be offended by the request. I'd take it as a compliment.

If you plan to have kids, get ready for snatching the time when you can...just saying!

I can’t think of anything less I’d rather do on a full stomach at 11pm than have sex - it’s as much as I can do to waddle into bed and fall asleep.

Maybe the sex should have before the night out not after. And him not fancying it twice on a few months isn’t rejecting b you - it’s just not being in mood that particular day

This talk of “making an effort” is freaking me out. Do you really want to have sex if it’s an effort for one of you? Literally the only time we’ve ever talked like that is when we were TTC and to be honest it was a total mood killer.

Well, he could say the same, couldn't he? "No sex before 11pm for the rest of my life?" No sex on Sunday morning? No lunchtime quicky? No to spending a whole Saturday in bed? No grabbing someone by the towel the minute they stepped out of post-workout shower?
No, it's after 11pm or nothing + compulsory birthday sex. Hmm, I know what kind of life I'd rather have.

I know after I’ve eaten, especially a restaurant type meal, I have a massive energy slump. Couple that with champagne and I’d have been snoring before I even got home.