Rejected for birthday action - AIBU or is he?

Well either way you're getting your cavity filled.

I can’t work out if this is a joke? If sex is like going to the dentist, you’re doing it wrong.

Wanting to feel desired by your partner does not entitle you to sex when they don’t want it. It doesn’t matter if it’s your birthday/anniversary/Armageddon. You are not entitled to sex with him.

He gets to not fancy it and he’s done nothing wrong.

It is bizarre that this is so hard for you to understand. As is the fact that you are bringing up him not fancying it TWO MONTHS AGO. This would indicate both that it’s not something that happens often and that your feelings of entitlement are such that being turned down once every two months is unacceptable to you.

My husband is hot, great in bed & I’m very attracted to him. But I don’t always want to have sex with him…

@Kendra43 being desired by your partner doesn’t mean he will want sex with you whenever you decide though?

It's not his job to make you feel desirable.

If you are ruminating over things like this (harking back to him declining sex two months ago!) maybe you aren't in the right frame of mind to have a healthy relationship.

YABU, obviously.

Also it’s easy to think it’s a priority always to “make the effort”, as you put it, one year into a relationship.

Please report back after 10+ years and 2+ kids.

Because he was tired and didn't want sex? OK.

Why?

Can't believe I'm reading this to be honest. You should leave him, so he can find someone who won't try to coerce him into having sex. I also can't believe you would have sex with someone who was only doing it because they felt obliged to. Where are your morals?

LadyGabriella · Today 13:42

He sounds a bit wet

Oh for Christ’s sake. So if a woman doesn’t want sex at a prescribed time, she must be frigid, yes?

The problem comes (and where 'effort' comes into the situation) if these dry spells are repeatedly occurring, back to back, for long periods of time. There comes a point when both people should sit down together and acknowledge it isn't good for their relationship and something active has to be done about it. If both people are always tired and generally off sex but want it to get better, then that's where the effort happens. I think it's unrealistic to expect a spark of strong enough libido to suddenly arise in both of them at the opportune time. If that were happening then they wouldn't have the issue in the first place.

The above is not the OP's situation, but this is really just a response to the notion that 'sex being an effort' is somehow bad and horrifying.

Though reading all of OP's replies here, I think it's making the fuller picture that it's not really about this one instance of the 'birthday shag'. It's that he generally prefers sex at one time of day (though it sounds like that's a time of day that can't be accommodated by their working schedules) and that OP prefers it (or can only be there) for sex at another time of day. She also says she has the higher sex drive so it can be 'a problem'. So sounds like the sex issue in general is beginning to weigh on her and the birthday may be a significant incident where the bad feeling has really bubbled up.

He sounds a bit wet.

Why? If he wasn’t up to it why should he be forced to do it?

@NonPlayerCharacter I agree with them! My comment was a response to the OP…

What? Almost everyone is telling her she's being unreasonable and he's allowed to say no.

I think it’s really common for people to prefer sex when they feel more awake I think he is just telling you his body clock preferences. Also I did ask, are you guys having a lot of energetic sex or are you talking about a sleepy kind of low effort sex experience? Does he get up early? Does he feel under pressure to have energetic sex at night? Ending a long day with more exercise isn’t really very appealing to a lot of people. I don’t mind a cuddle that gets carried away but I am usually so tired by 11pm I know I can’t give it my all for a performance

Imagine if this was reversed!!

What do you think it should look like in practice? Force-feeding your partner viagra? Manually stimulating him until he is hard whether he wants it or not? Him somehow magically willing the mechanics to work on demand? You allowing penetration when you are not ready, and therefore, not likely to enjoy it?
None of it sounds like a foundation for a great sex life or a relationship to me.

Earlier in the day or evening covers most of the hours you're awake so you're not exactly being constrained to a small window of time.

Not up for sex after 11pm is pretty normal. I don't like late-night sex. Either I'm sleepy and can't get into it as much as I want, or I do get into it and it wakes me up and then I can't sleep. Luckily DP has actually respected my preferences and never sulked about "no late night sex ever again". Also I had the same preferences in my 20s so it's nothing to do with age.

Best advice I ever received was from a wise friend who said that if one or either of you wanted sex on a night you were going out to a restaurant - always, always have the sex beforehand on an empty stomach. The idea of sex after a full restaurant meal is a little nauseating.

Generally speaking we talk about this kind of thing when we are not being intimate. We have both been very busy for 2 weeks and have barely had sex. I spoke to DP last night and said ‘let’s have a lazy weekend with lie ins to spend time together’ and he knows what this means - we have a window of time from this evening till Monday to fit some sex in we have only 1 thing to do that will take a few hours tomorrow evening before the DC are back. Both been at work all day, get home late, and if we have a big meal later, it’s most likely to be in the morning when we wake up. If I am not in the mood for sex at 11pm tonight I won’t make myself do it and he would not want me to.

What if all that is being attended to, but still sex itself (or other sexual activity) is still suffering? All you have mentioned is making an effort (especially when time and energy is lacking). What's the difference with putting an effort into one's sex life?