Rejected for birthday action - AIBU or is he?

on birthdays, we usually have a really nice day out, followed by a delicious meal.
usually end the day FAR too full to be up for anything vigorous.

What if this was a man trying to force sex onto a woman? Or to still expect it and be upset when the woman said no and the man became arsey?

If you watch the cup of tea video on u tube it will explain how people change their minds...
I don't think it's an issue for one night. It would be an issue (for me personally) if it had been a month or so with no specific reason eg health related.

No big deal. I couldn't be arsed after alcohol and a meal and past 11pm either

Yes it's about compromise. What if you hate it in the mornings and he doesn't want to after 11pm then it's not going to work long term.
Sometimes it can take a few minutes to get in the mood.
If you read 'Come as You Are' by Emily Nagoski , she talks about people having brakes/ accelerators regarding sex. More women have stronger brake tendencies and men more often have higher accelerators. Reading it can help couples understand each other better and hopefully improve compatibility and reduce dissatisfaction between them. I wish I had been able to read it when I was younger.

Sorry I think if you want a night of passion then the aim should be champagne and canapes/tapas relatively swiftly and home by 9pm. A full meal and getting home at 11pm means too knackered for passion.

Just wait for if you have kids, after 11pm tends to be the only time me and DH can schedule in these days, by the time kids bathed/in bed and teenager has gone to sleep it’s at least 10.30. We would never have sex otherwise.

Maybe you need to find someone who is more matched in drive to yourself 😅

Time to move on. What's he going to be like in his 50s when his testosterone is dropping.
Find someone more aligned to you.

Exactly this.

Someone can desire you without wanting to have sex with you all the time.

Not suggesting that OP has done anything wrong, she was disappointed and concerned about the way her birthday ended and wants to discuss it. But on a related theme is this wonderful video about the meaning of consent:

I think if your sex drives aren't aligned this early on and at your young ages, there will be more significant problems later on as you age & life gets more demanding.

For me, the action would definitely have to be before we went out. After a couple of drinks, I'm just not bothered (totally different from most people!) so after drinks AND food, it's game over in this house!

I thought birthday shags were a thing. Seems obvious to me. People make an extra effort for their OH on their birthday, so why wouldn't they make an effort for sex too, if the birthday girl/boy was interested.

Obviously no-one is ever obligated to have sex, but people do lots of things they aren't in the mood for that they're not obligated to do, and if someone doesn't do things for you, doesn't make an effort out of choice, then it does send a signal that they aren't particularly motivated by your happiness.

You imagine 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Before! Always before!

Bloated and tired after a three-course meal might be the least sexy I ever feel, and that includes covid.

I'm 49 and if I knew sex was possibly on the cards later with DH I'd not eat too much so I felt too full and tired.

Men's testosterone levels peak at about 18 and are in decline after that. So many have a low sex drive or are not bothered at all by their late 20s or 30s. This is fine - but it is a problem in a relationship if expectations and sex drive are mismatched.

Um it kind of is! If you don't make your partner feel desirable then don't complain if someone else does...

no-one is ever unreasonable for saying no to sex.

If a woman posted here that her DP complained that she hadn’t put out on his birthday after implying that sex was on the cards, and that he’d then gone online to complain about it people would be advising her to LTB.

there’s no bigger turn-off than being expected to “make an effort.” Stuff that. If there’s a general lack of sex then it might be a consideration to sit down and talk things through. But saying no once and once a few months ago hardly constitutes an issue does it.

After a romantic meal on someone's birthday is about as scheduley as you can get! It's an obvious one!

Thank you, the voice of reason!

I think there's a big difference between putting in a general effort to keep your sex life good if you drift into a dry spell, and expecting your partner to put in the specific effort to have sex at 11pm after a big meal.

OP and her partner are going to have to actually talk about it and find times when they're both likely to be up for it. As unromantic as it sounds, an element of scheduling, or at least expectation that sex is likely to best happen at certain times of day/week, is really important. Or an idea of timing. DP and I have never actually had a specific conversation but if we go longer than a week without sex due to general life stress, we know we're both actively looking to make time for it.

These aren’t typical examples of ‘effort’ in most relationships where both partners put attention into a suffering sex life. I’ve got a full time job, a 3hr round commute and small twins. I’m probably enthusiastic for sex once a month when things are very busy and stressful, but it’s important to our relationship so I make the mental effort to prioritise it in all kinds of small ways so it doesn’t fall by the wayside. My husband feels the same and does the same for me.

OP, give this some honest thought.
Are you really aligned?
It sounds not.
You are a year in, no point in wasting time if you're not.
It will definitely not get better after marriage and children.