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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask for stepson to stay at his mums this weekend?

112 replies

Leannemoochy · 08/11/2024 11:01

Ok I know I’m probably going to get a lot of slack for this one, but just wondering what people would do in this situation.
I have a DSS (12) who I love dearly with my DP, I have been in his life since he was 4 and we have him every single weekend, always have and always will. The only weekends we have ever not had him is when he has gone on holiday with his mum.
Me and DP also have two children together, DD (6) and DS (2). Next weekend my DD is going to be bridesmaid at my best friends wedding, my friend has spent a lot of money on my daughter buying her the dress, the shoes, the hair, she’s letting her have a very light bit of make up from the make up artist, she’s bought her accessories for the day, little personalised things like a coat hanger and dressing gown with her name on etc etc.
We had a phone call of DSS mum yesterday to say he had been poorly and hadn’t gone in to school with a bad cough/temp/food tasted funny to him, and she said he is a little better today but has still not gone in to school. She’s not going to do a covid test with him though. DP has asked if it’s ok if he still comes around and I just don’t know what to do because obviously he is always welcome here and if it was any other weekend I wouldn’t think twice, but I am so paranoid about DD being ill for the wedding next weekend, and feel like I owe it to my friend to reduce the chance of her being poorly as much as possible. If he lived in this house there would obviously be no escaping it, but the facts are that he mainly lives at his mums and so the opportunity to reduce that risk is there. His mum isn’t doing anything this weekend either so it’s not like we’d be putting her out as I understand that wouldn’t be fair either.

Just looking for some views on the situation basically?

OP posts:
Cattina · 08/11/2024 13:43

Maybe I'm wrong but the virus might not be contagious by this point?

Morven7 · 08/11/2024 13:43

Eminently sensible, I wish other people would share the same common sense.

pinkyredrose · 08/11/2024 13:41

Barleysugar86 · 08/11/2024 12:16

You have a young kid you want to protect from getting sick, its also pretty miserable to uproot a sick kid for a different house. I would suggest it even without the wedding. Maybe your DP could see if he could go visit him at the mums house instead?

I agree with this.

Ps. you're going to let your 6yr old wear make up? Why?

Createsusername · 08/11/2024 13:39

God people over react so much. OP glad it’s sorted and everyone’s happy and chill about it :)

Original poster
Leannemoochy · 08/11/2024 13:39

This reply has been deleted

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I only stated about the every weekend situation because I just wanted to make it clear that this never happens, we would never normally think twice even if he was poorly, that this situation would be a complete one off due to the circumstances. I didn’t mean for it to come across as me thinking that I’m doing everyone a favour as I do not think that at all, he’s my step son, I have a lot of love for him and I treat him exactly the same as my children. I buy my children something I buy him something, I buy him clothes, I give him a cuddle on the sofa when he’ll let me, he knows I’m there for him whenever he needs me. He is part of this family, he has the same blood as my children. But this post wasn’t about how much I care for him and how much that (I really do) hope that he’s ok because he’s poorly, it was due to asking opinions about the situation I have asked about.

OP posts:
BruFord · 08/11/2024 13:38

pikkumyy77 · 08/11/2024 13:31

Oh please! The child isn’t being abandoned on the street! He is cozy at home, with his own room, with his mother rather than spreading germs to another household.

I agree, @pikkumyy77. It doesn’t matter what it is ( Covid or something else), spreading germs to another household is unnecessary.

My DS didn’t have Covid but believe me, I wish he hadn’t given me what he had, I feel lousy!

@Leannemoochy If she does keep him at home, your DH needs to be prepared to help her out as she’s probably going to go down with it at some point.

funinthesun19 · 08/11/2024 13:38

And no he’s not being abandoned. Some people on here are so hysterical sometimes when it comes to sc.

funinthesun19 · 08/11/2024 13:37

Yanbu. He should stay at his mum’s on this occasion so that your DD doesn’t get put at risk of catching whatever he’s got. It would be an absolute shame for her to miss being a bridesmaid/ your friend to be one bridesmaid down on her special day when it could have been prevented.

BobbyBiscuits · 08/11/2024 13:32

@Leannemoochy Gawd. Yeah, tell her she has to keep him just this once. And the poor kid needs a COVID test else he could spread it all over the place!

pikkumyy77 · 08/11/2024 13:31

Oh please! The child isn’t being abandoned on the street! He is cozy at home, with his own room, with his mother rather than spreading germs to another household.

Original poster
Leannemoochy · 08/11/2024 13:31

BobbyBiscuits · 08/11/2024 13:20

She's basically openly saying he's having COVID/flu symptoms but she's refusing to do a test? Why? I'd say I can't take him until he's done a negative COVID test. It's unreasonable even without the wedding to send a kid/come to someone's to stay when you/they have infectious virus symptoms. He's ill so he needs to stay at home. You don't ferry infectious people from household to household.

She said she doesn’t believe in all the COVID precautions anymore which is obviously up to her, but it just shows he could potentially have it and then the rest of us could catch it just in time for the wedding 😅

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 08/11/2024 13:30

Parker231 · 08/11/2024 11:03

Is DSS not going to the wedding with the family?

What made you jump to that conclusion?

Twistybranch · 08/11/2024 13:26

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Original poster
Leannemoochy · 08/11/2024 13:25

vivainsomnia · 08/11/2024 13:17

So your OH, you and SS have been asked what they want to do, but not mum?

Surely it comes down to whether she is happy and able to look after him.

If she is, problem resolved. If she isn't, you work something out, even if it means he stays mainly in his room.

Your suggestion that he spends time with dad makes no sense. Surely that would mean dad highly likely to get it and then pass on to your daughter anyway?

Yes of course! Mum was the one first considered and she said she had no plans this weekend so was up to us all instead, I’d never expect her to change her plans when we were due to have him, that wouldn’t be fair.
We have now came out of this with a solution where everyone is satisfied now (well not saying I’m satisfied that he isn’t coming, but just less worried about the risk!)
I understand there’s still a chance for dad to catch it, but the risk is definitely reduced. For his son to sit in the back of the car and go through the drive through or if he isn’t feeling any better he’ll just drop some bits off to him and pop in to see how he is, obviously that is less of a risk then him being in the same house all weekend around his younger siblings who would touch the same things and forget to keep up with hand washing.

OP posts:
Elizo · 08/11/2024 13:22

Velvian · 08/11/2024 11:06

Can you take your DD and DS away for a couple of nights and DSS can have the weekend with his dad?

If possible this is the preferred option

BobbyBiscuits · 08/11/2024 13:20

She's basically openly saying he's having COVID/flu symptoms but she's refusing to do a test? Why? I'd say I can't take him until he's done a negative COVID test. It's unreasonable even without the wedding to send a kid/come to someone's to stay when you/they have infectious virus symptoms. He's ill so he needs to stay at home. You don't ferry infectious people from household to household.

vivainsomnia · 08/11/2024 13:17

So your OH, you and SS have been asked what they want to do, but not mum?

Surely it comes down to whether she is happy and able to look after him.

If she is, problem resolved. If she isn't, you work something out, even if it means he stays mainly in his room.

Your suggestion that he spends time with dad makes no sense. Surely that would mean dad highly likely to get it and then pass on to your daughter anyway?

ManchesterLu · 08/11/2024 13:14

I've always said if you're ill, you're best staying where you are, if possible. It makes no sense to go and make another household unwell, particularly if he's unwell enough to be off school, so won't enjoy his weekend wherever he is. He'd be better staying at home where (I assume) he has more personal items, comforts, and where he feels most at home - no offence to your household but I'm sure you know what I mean. And yes, as you say, you really don't want your little girl being unwell for the wedding she's looked forward to so much.

Thursdaygirl · 08/11/2024 13:09

We have him every single weekend, the first time in 8 years where there’s now been something come up.

Which is why you are NOT being unreasonable!!!

Thursdaygirl · 08/11/2024 13:08

PrawnAgain · 08/11/2024 12:41

I've never really understood why people think that moving sick children between houses is a good idea. It's not nice for the child to have to go out in the cold when they're ill or for the people in the other household to get sick unnecessarily. Dsds always stay put when ill because it's in everyone's best interests.

I totally agree. I posted earlier to suggest that children who live across two households have a natural quarantine arrangement if required. But of course, people jump in and think you're suggesting that a 'together' family would separate poorly children (and that's not what I'm saying)!!!

SereneFish · 08/11/2024 13:03

Yes, there are worse families out there. I'm not sure why that's relevant.

Original poster
Leannemoochy · 08/11/2024 13:01

SereneFish · 08/11/2024 12:53

@NautilusLionfish He doesn't have to go to the wedding no matter which of his homes he's in.

@pikkumyy77 He wants to come. His loving father bribed him to stay with his mum.

Oh stop it already. Is there not worse families out there then you’re making out his father and me to be? We have him every single weekend, the first time in 8 years where there’s now been something come up.
He is poorly, he lives 45 minutes away, he gets guilt over not seeing his dad which is why he was unsure but his dad has explained that it is fine and that he will come to see him instead and that made him feel happier to stay at his mums, the game was just a little treat due to him being poorly.
People on mumsnet do amaze me, the horrible things going on in the world and it’s like this is evil of us!
I would see my dad twice a year growing up and even that was begrudgingly, there’s worse situations out there I promise you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leannemoochy · 08/11/2024 12:55

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/11/2024 12:41

Different issue I know but why doesn't his mum get some weekends with her son?

Must be tough on her doing all the grind in the week and no family time?

Unfortunately we live 45 minutes away and DP doesn’t get back from work until around 7pm so by the time he got back from work and went to collect him (me nor DSS mum drives so is on DP to do all the dropping off/collecting), there just isn’t enough time. We tried having him stay overnight in the week before but the early start for school the next morning just made him super tired.
Mum has always been happy with the arrangement and knows she just needs to ask if she’d like to have him to do something with him, and vice versa if DSS wanted to spend some time with her.

OP posts:
SereneFish · 08/11/2024 12:53

@NautilusLionfish He doesn't have to go to the wedding no matter which of his homes he's in.

@pikkumyy77 He wants to come. His loving father bribed him to stay with his mum.

pikkumyy77 · 08/11/2024 12:48

SereneFish · 08/11/2024 12:45

Of course she does! It's clear she loves him and he's part of the family.

How exactly is that clear?

If its not clear then forcing him to come over shen he is sick would be cruel. Make up your mind which it is?