AIBU to wonder if we are unusual in never seeing adult children at Christmas?

We never spend Christmas with my in-laws, not sure why really. We would have done last year but then my parents had a really really rough year so we spent it with them. In-laws have never invited us and we lived abroad for 10years (my parents would visit a few times a year including alternate Christmases and in laws never visited). I’d invite them but feel like as it’s DH’s dad it’s kind of up to him, we’re hosting my parents and my brother and his family this year. If we don’t see my family on Christmas Day itself we always do something together around the holidays. My brother and SIL alternate his and her parents

so I think it’s highly unusual never to see adult children over Christmas but then for my DH and his dad that seems to now be normal

DH does the same… he doesn’t like Christmas with his parents; so he was always away for it over uni, experiencing it in different places or relaxing somewhere and maximising his annual leave. That meant he couldn’t be forced to go and see them, as he’d be away; and he loves to travel so it made it happier.

Since we’ve had DS, we’ve been home for Christmas but we don’t meet his parents on the day. When relationships were better, he’d see them the week before or so and swap presents; but in recent years things have deteriorated due to them being very pushy and overbearing, and now he doesn’t see them often at all, usually once a year around Feb.

I’m in my early-mid 30s and lots of my friends have put their parents off seeing them this year, I’m not sure if it’s a generational shift or a rebellion against the heavy family pressures after Covid, or just a cost of living/life stress thing, where it all seems too much. But you’re definitely not alone.

Could you do something else for Christmas, if they prefer spending it elsewhere, so it doesn’t feel like you’re sat waiting?

It feels naive to suggest inviting them would change much, to be honest, they’ll be very aware of all the family rhetoric around Christmas and they’re making their choice each year.

Can’t remember the last Christmas Day I spent with either of my parents (divorced). Possibly 20-24 years ago for either. Both do their own thing and not really interested in their kids and grandkids. DC have never spent Xmas day with anyone except us.

Is there a backstory OP regarding their upbringing
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As kids, I went to my dad's house every other weekend. We used to alternate between Xmas and Boxing day with him. Despite keeping up his side of 'contact', he was a terrible father, no emotional attachment to us, used to give my mum £7.50 a month maintenence, all the while getting remarried and building a successful business. As kids, we felt like a tick box exercise, not that he genuinely wanted to see us or invest time in building an actual relationship.

As adults, my sibling and I both have kids, we live close to our father but I haven't spent Christmas with him since I was a child. We go for a coffee once a month or so but the relationship is very surface level for me, although I expect my dad thinks there is no issue.

Perhaps something similar here?

I never really given it any thought but I’ve got friends who absolutely worship there parents and make an effort to see grandparents as say they won’t be here forever
but they go abroad every Christmas and have done for years

I'm 40.

Never not had it with my mum and sister. Brother goes away quite a lot at Christmas though.

It's really interesting to read other people's set up. Our circs are changing now as our kids are older.

My 23 Yr old DD has just moved in with her partner. Last year they were both at ours and previously were at his parents. This year they are both 'going home' seperately as they prefer their 'own' Christmas set up! 19 Yr old son is going to his Girlfriends which saddens me but fair enough. I appreciate this is all for the changing in many ways in years to come.

What has saddened me for the past 15 years we have lived in the same area is that we have never been invited to my Fathers house on Christmas day. I've never said this out loud because I fully respect everyone's personal choices etc, and there are 5 of us etc, but they have the space and various members of his wife's family are always invited. The kids have all been children over this period too, so I just feel sad that there is a clear thought process of Christmas Day being exclusively 'her' family.
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We never spent Christmas Day with either set or f parents but saw them sometime that week. We now go away every Christmas and see DS and his family before and after the trip. It’s just a day when no one is at work and everyone should spend it how they prefer.

Lots of businesses close over the Christmas period and therefore enforce taking leave. To have the Christmas break and then go away a few weeksater uses a lot more annual leave, so it makes sense for the son & DIL to go at Christmas.

Maybe suggest a family holiday at Christmas?

That’s awful. Poor kids (adults, obviously but ‘poor adults’ sounds odd)

Hmmm... you've just made me realise I haven't spent Christmas with my dad in about 8 years... :/ Like you, we get on well... Before I got married I used to alternate between my mum and dad, but then I suppose there were a few years when things didn't line up to see my dad, as me and DH alternate between his family and mine, and my dad alternates between his parents and his wife's family, and he also works on alternate Christmases, so there were several years where we couldn't see each other at Christmas, and then I just got out of the habit of asking him when making plans, and just automatically planned to see my mum instead! I'll have to ask him what he's doing this year and hopefully see him boxing day at least.

I think your DH should invite his kids round again... maybe they just don't think he's bothered about Christmas after all these years!

I’ll take the same view when they’re in a care home at Christmas alone and I’ll jet off on my hols lol!

We alternate - my parents one year, DH’s parents the next, and so on. Whichever parents we don’t see on Christmas Day, we see on Boxing Day (usually).

Yes, I think it is pretty unusual, given the fact you get on well enough.

Have you explained that travel is hard for you now?

Very unusual I’d say. Every one I know with living parents in the same country strives to see their parents over the Christmas period and have a celebratory day even if that can’t be bang on Christmas Day itself.

Can you meet somewhere in the middle?

Our children are grown up and have their own lives. We would never expect them to spend Christmas day with us but we do catch up with each of them in the weeks leading up to Christmas, they all have busy jobs and some work over Christmas so the days of us all being together are long gone. We really enjoy our relaxed Christmas day just the two of us after years of hosting. I don’t think it’s unusual at all.

Yes I would say it's unusual. I tear my hair out trying to visit all my elders at Christmas and conversation from about mid November among all my friends is based on who's seeing who when, with all the complexities of multi blended families and increasingly crumbly relatives being covered. Tbh I would be OK not seeing ds at Christmas but I would certainly consider it unusual if it never happened.

I have to say that my father in law gets an extremely raw deal every single year. Hoping that this year might be the one time his eldest child steps up.