AIBU to wonder if we are unusual in never seeing adult children at Christmas?

I think it's unusual but I also think it shouldn't be.

I've never really understood why families on good terms who see each other regularly make a big deal about having to meet up at Christmas. I appreciate it makes sense for some families as that's when they all have time off so may be the only time in the year when they all get together, but it's increasingly not the case as people work different hours, or would like to spend the time doing something else. But surely the point is to see each other, and if you are doing that anyway, then it doesn't have to be at Christmas?

People not on good terms with their families (IME) tend to meet at Christmas as a duty visit and to "keep up appearances". I don't think that's something to be aspired to.

Oh god each family is different - stop comparing yourself

Another post sorry but I've realised my bil without fail every year is on holiday with his gf (inc easter and even birthdays) or is conveniently unwell. There is tension in the family, however I do think he should put more effort in as it's still his family. So it does work both ways.

I think often when people get to an age where they can't easily manage the drive to adult children, thats when they often move nearer them

Is that an option?

When you were younger and more able to travel, did you go to them?

I do know lots of adult children like this - but they are primarily the ones with divorced parents. Divorce can weaken family bonds, DC often have less relationship, particularly if there's a parent they don't live with. Everyone is less willing to make effort as a result.

Yes I'm wondering if they don't realise how important it is to you and your DH to see them.
I understand he doesn't want to aem needy but at the same time he might need to spell it out and risk feeling needy in order to communicate how he feels properly.

No one's getting younger here, I think it's worth taking the plunge and spelling it out to them..
Surely the Dil can visit your area once for her DH to see his parents.

Or ask for an invite to stay at theirs a few nights for a one off family Christmas.

Good luck op x

You need to take more control. I appreciate you invited them before and they've said no so you stopped but circumstances change. You can't be upset no one wants to spend time with you if you don't proactively try. And now too before they have an excuse that they've made plans.

I don't want to sound rude but is your version of Christmas different to theirs? Some families enjoy watching TV most of the day which others could find a waste of time & faffing in the kitchen! (Not preparing in advance), others go for a walk, play games. Some even go out to a restaurant. Could you think about what they might enjoy and do things they would enjoy?

I say this because you sound similar to my inlaws. We go to theirs every few years but it is hard. We don't see mil as she's stressing over food and everyone else sits in front of the TV. We could be watching TV at home. However, when we've controlled the situation by taking games or suggesting a walk it's been a lovely day.

I would love to see my adult children (and grandchildren) at Christmas. I am happy to host them all, or it would be wonderful to be invited to them. I'm hoping one will be coming to us this year - we have only once been invited for Christmas and that ended up being at our house due to building works.

We have made the best of Christmas on our own by going away for a few days, but I wasn't well enough to do anything last year (cancer treatment) and if we do end up being on our own this year we can't go away this time.

In my very humble opinion.... It's no fun without family.

We don’t spend Xmas with my parents because my mother is a stress head and my dad drank too much - I thought we all deserved better than to spend a day in tension. Dh’s mother does not celebrate Xmas. We’ve quite enjoyed not having the fuss.

To be fair, he never asks me what I'm doing either.

Did DH see them at Christmas when they were younger though? My parents separated and we never had Christmas with Dad (his doing), so despite being on reasonable terms now as an adult, it’s not something I’d particularly push for.

Why was Christmas at yours but mum got an invite? Was Christmas at hers some years when they were growing up too?

Is their mum single? If so I can see why they prioritise her

I'd like to offer a counter perspective, as someone without children. I have a brother and a cousin, brother is overseas and cousin has children.

For years, we all did Christmas with our immediate family, boxing day together and a family new year party. As the only girl, so much of the preparation for this fell on me (and other women), and the boys did sweet F all. Despite the fact I was doing a full time PhD and full time work, and they had less commitments on their time than me. Cousins baby was born in 2022 and suddenly they do it all with their nuclear family (absolutely fine and completely respect that). Brother then packs up and moves overseas and makes no effort to come back home. So last year, I was newly engaged, but because I have no children (infertile), there was extra pressure on me to come up and take up this role - which none of the boys have ever had to fill. Despite the fact I live three hours away and have my own life, and no-one comes to visit me there as much as I visit home (monthly). This year, we've just bought our own home, so I've decided to just do christmas by ourselves (partners parents are divorced so its always a task). But because we don't have children, this decision is looked down upon. When are we allowed to have a christmas to ourselves and away from the family drama? I can't make my womb work and it seems like either that, or moving the other side of the world, or being a man, are the only ways in which I can escape that pressure.

Mine (and my in-laws) don't like Christmas. Every time a relative dies my mum gets grumpier and grumpier about it. However we do usually see one set for say 2 nights around the 27th and the other at New Year. It's a lot of travel though as they are 200 miles away in different directions.

Before we had DS we did my parents, DH's, then home on a rotation. Now we won't go anywhere for the actual day. DS wants to be at home in his PJs with presents.

That is so sad. Your poor Dad 😢

Think you’ve provided a bit of a drip feed - you do see them in the run up to Christmas. Maybe if you want them to come it would be helpful to actually talk to them about it?

My ExH and I are divorced.

My DS goes away every Christmas largely I think to stop and potential arguments about who goes where for christmas.

This does not bother me and I usually see him at New Year.

I spend Christmas with my elderly mum which I do not enjoy but Christmas is very important to her and in general I don't want to leave her on her own (I had to one year due to a family emergency and she was very upset).

I go away in February.

I don't enjoy Christmas nor do I expect to.

I haven't seen my mum at Christmas for over 10 years. She makes a big deal of hating Christmas, we used to invite her to come to us but she never has. Christmas with her would be miserable for us all, so we just leave her to be a grinch. It's v sad, this is likely yo be her last Christmas.

Not all people without children are like this - but some are.

Sounds like they are both stuck in the role in their family of origin where they subconsciously prioritise what they want and don't feel any sense of responsibility to ensuring others have a nice time, even if it means they don't get to do what they want.

Most of us realise as our parents get older, usually Christmas becomes a day of quite hard work. It can be joyful too but for the middle generation, they are making it nice for children and older folk too, who also often have needs that are in tension with one another!

Your children are still like teenagers. I used to bloody love going down for Christmas, get a nice meal, relax, or maybe don't go, take the opportunity of a holiday instead... I just thought about me. But then I had children and had to facilitate their day and grandparents seeing them at Christmas too.

Now even when the youngest leave home, I wouldn't be able to forget the needs of granny and dad and auntie so and so. It's ingrained !

I say again, of course many people without children clock onto this themselves. I was a bit dumb and only realised I had responsibility in my family, and had been the beneficiary of others' hard work, when I had kids myself.

You may have to actually say that it would mean a lot to you and ask how you could make some time together that you would both enjoy. And listen to them - they may be saying they don't like dad's rigidity around watching TV from 3pm, or they would rather eat out than cook, etc etc - just try and have an honest conversation where your needs are stated.

Yes, that is unusual. But if you aren't inviting them anymore then that won't change. Keep inviting them, when they say no offer an alternative.

My in laws go abroad for a month over Xmas and then complain we don't see them 🤷

Obviously there could be an underlying issue as to why they don't come but just as possible as there's not a (negative)reason, ie they like to spend it abroad.
Would the ex wife be on her own if DD didn't go or is she in a new relationship?

When I first read it I didn't think negative issues. It felt like the SC were comfortable and happy to do their own thing believing that parents were OK with that.

Lots of people feel obliged to turn up at parents' homes, even though it's not what they want, as can be seen on other posts. When we changed our family christmas' there was a bit if kick back and we now might visiting one or both families, them coming to us, or us being just ourselves.

I'd put the offer out each yr. Everyone welcome, not necessarily on Christmas , would anyone like to meet etc.

BTW we have family who do go abroad every christmas. They both have closures at work and it means they don't have to touch their holidays or take the kids out of school, and they get sunshine! !

We (50s) invariably host… usually my dad or MIL. I have a DB and DH has 2 siblings…and we all take our turn. This year we are “free” and I’d prefer to be abroad but DH is on call so we will be at home hosting SIL and BIL. I don’t think we’ve ever been to my dads or PILs for Xmas. I think we’ve got it about right.

Mine are away this year, my two are overseas, his youngest is choosing to be home with her partner just the 2 of them. We will have my dsd who has ld's though that is a care task!

@jezlifecoach

I’ll take the same view when they’re in a care home at Christmas alone and I’ll jet off on my hols lol!

There is not much 'alone' about being in a care home. This is the first year of my elderly relative being in a home and I have never felt so relieved tbh. I'm looking forward to a worry free Christmas knowing they are safe and taken care of where they are. The leading years have been very difficult, a care home turned out to be the blessing.

It is quite sad you never see them but if your ds wants to be away that's his prerogative, I went away last Xmas specifically because I wanted to be away for Xmas. Not a couple of weeks before or after. With your dd, it sounds more like logistics. If you lived closer than a few hours away and she could pop over and spend the day and go home or stay one night, you would likely see her more. I wouldn't really want to be travelling a few hours home on boxing day and wouldn't want to be staying away a few nights (24th - 27th).