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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH lied about trustee

79 replies

SheSellsSeaShellz · 07/11/2024 23:16

DH is chair of a board of trustees for a charity. I’ve found out that he’s lied over the past few years about how much time he’s been spending with one of the female trustees. It’s dinners, lunches etc with her alone, and he’d be implying he’s been with a group of people, lying about train problems while he’s been chatting for hours with her. I found out he’d invited her to a black tie dinner, asked him directly and he denied it, when I said I had found out, he says she’d been busy and hadn’t gone with him, so it’s apparently not a lie.

I don’t think it’s a physical affair, she sees him as a mentor for her career apparently, but I feel heartbroken to be lied to so persistently. He’s been quite panicky and saying I can’t tell anyone as he’d have to stand down in his role as chair of trustees. I don’t want him to work with her anymore , but he says she’s a good trustee and he wants to continue working with her, that I shouldn’t rock the boat.

We have four DC, two young adult, two are young teens. If it wasn’t for the children I’d leave.

I would like to make his untrustworthiness known to the board. AIBU?

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 08/11/2024 00:50

If he is telling you that what you could say to the board would mean him having to step down, that tells you that he knows it's inappropriate. He also knows they would think it inappropriate, therefore, it is inappropriate.
Does he ever take you out for meals, or just her? Do you still share intimacy or has there been a change in that, maybe since they met, for instance?

SweetSakura · 08/11/2024 00:33

EvaLution · 08/11/2024 00:06

@SweetSakura

I edited to say I hadn't realised he was the chair, which puts a different slant on things.

I'm not sure that a romantic relationship breaches any codes of conduct assuming no conflict of interest or concerns about undue influence. I know of boards where married couples are both trustees.

Oh it's not uncommon. But I used to be parachuted in to deal with failing boards and romantic relationships being entangled with governance was an incredibly common theme in the reason that previously well performing boards went sideways

So it is commonly accepted to be bad practice.

cantthinkofausernametoadd · 08/11/2024 00:25

@TheTigerWhoCameToEatMyArsehole nails it. Your marriage is over.

EvaLution · 08/11/2024 00:17

SheSellsSeaShellz · 08/11/2024 00:08

Whatever the nature of their relationship isn’t the governance issue. It’s the fact he’s the chair, persistently lies, not once or twice but lies about where he is , who he’s with, it’s the dishonesty. He also recruited her to the board.

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Yes, I do understand. And I'm sorry you're in this position. It must be very difficult, but I think the larger issue isn't about the board, it's within your marriage.

I think you have the absolute right to handle this any way that feels right to you, but in your shoes, I'd try to really think through whether going to the board is the answer to your problem. He's being dismissive of you and your feelings, he's lying to you - you're the priority here and I think blowing all of it up publicly isn't necessarily the first step you want to take.

TheTigerWhoCameToEatMyArsehole · 08/11/2024 00:15

He's worried about stepping down but not worried you might leave him, says it all really doesn't it.

Original poster
SheSellsSeaShellz · 08/11/2024 00:08

EvaLution · 08/11/2024 00:06

@SweetSakura

I edited to say I hadn't realised he was the chair, which puts a different slant on things.

I'm not sure that a romantic relationship breaches any codes of conduct assuming no conflict of interest or concerns about undue influence. I know of boards where married couples are both trustees.

Whatever the nature of their relationship isn’t the governance issue. It’s the fact he’s the chair, persistently lies, not once or twice but lies about where he is , who he’s with, it’s the dishonesty. He also recruited her to the board.

OP posts:
SimpleThings101 · 08/11/2024 00:07

Leave.

EvaLution · 08/11/2024 00:06

@SweetSakura

I edited to say I hadn't realised he was the chair, which puts a different slant on things.

I'm not sure that a romantic relationship breaches any codes of conduct assuming no conflict of interest or concerns about undue influence. I know of boards where married couples are both trustees.

ConiferBat · 07/11/2024 23:57

And you absolutely CAN tell anyone you like.

If he's worried it all looks a bit grubby, he should have thought of that before the black tie galas and long lunches.

The arse.

Original poster
SheSellsSeaShellz · 07/11/2024 23:56

EvaLution · 07/11/2024 23:54

I really struggle to understand that this would be a conflict of interest if two trustees on a charity board are romantically involved.

Edited: Apologies, I've just re-read and realised your husband is the chair. That does open up a bit of a can of worms, but I would still be extremely reluctant to report this to the rest of the board.

Edited
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I agree about the romantic involvement not mattering to the board. It’s the history of persistently lying. My H and I are married. He’s lied persistently. He introduced this trustee to the board and I think he overstated her skills because he wanted to spend time with her. If I- his wife- can’t trust him, what else will he lie about?

OP posts:
SweetSakura · 07/11/2024 23:56

EvaLution · 07/11/2024 23:54

I really struggle to understand that this would be a conflict of interest if two trustees on a charity board are romantically involved.

Edited: Apologies, I've just re-read and realised your husband is the chair. That does open up a bit of a can of worms, but I would still be extremely reluctant to report this to the rest of the board.

Edited
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You obviously havent sat where I have sat, advising with trustee boards that have ended up divided and toxic after the romantic relationships fell apart

ConiferBat · 07/11/2024 23:55

If she's such a great trustee, then he can fall on his sword, resign and leave it to her.

This prick has lied by omission, times over & his biggest concern is their futures on the board?!

He should be concentrating on his relationship & apologising for his shitty, furtive behaviour, not wittering about his voluntary work.

RabbitsRock · 07/11/2024 23:54

I wouldn’t stay just for the children.

EvaLution · 07/11/2024 23:54

SweetSakura · 07/11/2024 23:46

It's a governance issue. And I have advised charities on the fall out from these kind of scenarios once it all goes sour.

Show quote history

I really struggle to understand that this would be a conflict of interest if two trustees on a charity board are romantically involved.

Edited: Apologies, I've just re-read and realised your husband is the chair. That does open up a bit of a can of worms, but I would still be extremely reluctant to report this to the rest of the board.

Original poster
SheSellsSeaShellz · 07/11/2024 23:51

SweetSakura · 07/11/2024 23:46

It's a governance issue. And I have advised charities on the fall out from these kind of scenarios once it all goes sour.

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Thank you @SweetSakura I also thought it was a governance issue but I didn’t know the right word! It was the lack of honest in a position of trust and public duty that bothers me.

OP posts:
SweetSakura · 07/11/2024 23:47

holju · 07/11/2024 23:36

YANBU, I'm afraid it sounds like the only reason he is not having an affair is because the other trustee isn't interested. Does he understand this behaviour could cost him his marriage?

So far as I can see she only has his word for it there is no affair. And given the extent of his deceit so far I wouldnt be holding much store by what he says

Original poster
SheSellsSeaShellz · 07/11/2024 23:47

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
SweetSakura · 07/11/2024 23:46

EvaLution · 07/11/2024 23:39

I'm also chair of a board of trustees for a charity and would find it extremely odd if someone came to us about their partner's extracurricular behaviour, which I would consider a personal matter.

That said, your husband's behaviour and response are both appalling. He's lying - a 10 hour lunch? and manipulating you into staying quiet.

It's a governance issue. And I have advised charities on the fall out from these kind of scenarios once it all goes sour.

SweetSakura · 07/11/2024 23:45

FiveShelties · 07/11/2024 23:19

Do you think the Board would be interested?

It's a governance issue. You would ideally never have a couple in a relationship (illicit or not) sitting on the same board.

But op, I would focus on you. Leave someone else to worry about the charity

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/11/2024 23:43

He's lied to your face, is pursuing another woman, invited her to things that he hasn't invited you to...all very hurtful behaviour, but I think the nail in the coffin is the wanting to keep working with her because she is a good trustee. He either has absolutely no empathy at all, or doesn't care about you at all, or does understand how much he has hurt you but his desire to spend more time with you is more important. None of those reasons are good OP.

EvaLution · 07/11/2024 23:39

I'm also chair of a board of trustees for a charity and would find it extremely odd if someone came to us about their partner's extracurricular behaviour, which I would consider a personal matter.

That said, your husband's behaviour and response are both appalling. He's lying - a 10 hour lunch? and manipulating you into staying quiet.

holju · 07/11/2024 23:36

YANBU, I'm afraid it sounds like the only reason he is not having an affair is because the other trustee isn't interested. Does he understand this behaviour could cost him his marriage?

elizzza · 07/11/2024 23:32

I’m really sorry OP, it sounds to me like there’s more to it. I find it hard to believe he’s “panicky” about them finding out he went for lunch and gave out some career advice.

FiveShelties · 07/11/2024 23:31

To be honest I would not worry about the Board, I would be looking to end the marriage.

Original poster
SheSellsSeaShellz · 07/11/2024 23:28

@elizzza he’s said if I present evidence of him lying I will be responsible for him stepping down. He’s said he will have no choice and it will be my fault. He has told me he will have to resign. The hypocrisy sticks in my throat eg he went to lunch at midday one day and came back at 11pm. This is just one example. Through coincidence, I was at an event she was also at and she told me how lovely it had been to chat to him for several hours and how he’d given her careers advice. After I asked him about that, he just blanked me. I then asked if he’d invited her to a black tie dinner that he didn’t ask me to attend. He said no, but I found out later that he had.

OP posts: