For reporting my DH to the Health Visitor? What should I do?

Yep, me too

I agree swearing is more wide spread in Ireland. But anger and aggression aren't. . And most people limit their use of the worst words around children.

I can remember being at mass in Ireland one day with my London raised children. The priest gave a homily on the parable of the talents. He summed it up by saying that it was basically Gods way of telling people to getup off their arses and do something. The DC nearly fell off the pew in shock!

But joking aside, your husband sounds awful. We all need to make changes to accommodate parenthood.

I think sweating around kids really shows a lack of boundaries for parents. Not sure what to suggest but wanted to reaffirm your concerns.

So are we a sweary family my older children would never dream of swearing in front of us. My daughter will say s word rather than shit. My younger son did it for a while and now he has stopped and pulls us up when we swear.

Perhaps it’s location specific?

It's the aggression that causes the fear, not the swearing. Surely you've heard people swear in a soft, affectionate way? Like 'give over, you daft bugger' type stuff? That's not going to traumatise a child.

I grew up in a sweary household (Irish/East End), and a couple of my grandparents swore as punctuation, but I never felt fearful of them or anxious. They were loving and not aggressive.

OP's husband sounds very different, like he's fizzing with rage. It will be that that's harmful to the children, not the actual words. They're just words, at the end of the day. It will be his tone of voice, decibel level, ranting, body language, etc, that is the problem.

@stanleypops66 i think it’s much more common to hear swearing at work in Ireland vs my work environments here, are we counting feck as a swear word though? My in-laws (also East End) swear quite a bit but I wouldn’t say there are typical. In general I think the middle classes here don’t like swearing.

We don’t swear in earshot of the kids, ever. I don’t mind the odd swear but I cannot stand people who apparently punctuate with the word “fuck”. It makes them sound utterly thick.

my eight old accidentally swore a few weeks ago (I assume she hears it in school). She was trying to put on her coat, couldn't get her arm through the sleeve and in a moment of frustration shouted “this fucking sleeve!” it was SO funny because it was so unexpected, it was a battle not to laugh. But she was immediately so mortified that I couldn’t possibly have told her off for it 😂 she hasn’t done it since.

OP, I could not live with this to be honest. It’s about the standards that you want to set for your children.

This is such a weird post...

On the one hand there's your husband, who apparently is the type who swears like he breathes, and uses swear words for punctuation.

Some people will be clutching their pearls at that, but it really is not a big deal, and your reaction to it seems really over the top. It's not a health and safety concern, no one is getting hurt, and there is absolutely no reason why it should "fill you with fear for what is to come". For reference, my dad was a sailor, so he also swore for punctuation, and my mum used to get annoyed that we obviously picked up on it and swore too... she would always correct us if she heard us (as in, she would sternly say "Oi, language!" ... no "shouting at us", no punishments or anything like that...) and we obviously knew we weren't allowed to swear at school, even though the odd swear word sometimes slipped out... again, not the end of the world. Your reaction to his swearing in front of the children is way over the top and irrational.

But the more worrying question is, why is your husband shouting at your daughter to the point she's terrified, just for swearing, when HE is the one she's picked it up from?? - Have I read that right, or is your daughter's fear and panic coming from your over-reaction to swearing?

Also blocking you on whatsapp is childish, immature and concerning when you've got children.

The whole situation is weird, and - unless there is more than you are mentioning in this post - then both of you need to readjust your attitudes towards swearing and the children.

Your husband has to accept that if he constantly swears in front of the children, they WILL pick it up, and not because they are being naughty, but because that's quite simply how language acquisition works, he is ingraining those words into their heads and making them part of the children's daily vocabulary. So If they do swear, he has absolutely no right to shout at them or punish them, although a reminder that they shouldn't use that word is OK.

On the other hand, you need to chill the fuck out about swearing!! They're just words at the end of the day!! Yes, remind the children not to say those words if they slip out, but all this talk of reporting to school and HV??! Absolutely no need.

The issue of why your daughter is getting that upset over swearing is the most concerning issue to me. Is she suffering from anxiety generally? Could she do with practicing some resilience? Is she justifiably terrified of her dad? Or has your unhealthy anxiety over swearing rubbed off on her and made her excessively anxious over it?

As for a healthier way to deal with the swearing, we use a swear jar too, and any time our children hear us swear, we put a coin in their jar, but if we hear them swear, we take a coin out. That way they are learning that swearing is frowned upon and they should try and avoid it, but there really is no need for all the anxiety and hand wringing.

I swear on occasion : but never at my child. (Usually he gives me a row as I joke-sing “get your ass out of bed: I’ll explain it on the way”

my dad swore constantly: every second word was fuck or cunt. But he wasn’t agressive with jt.

irs the agression rather than the swearing which I’d find upsetting

Swearing at children or constantly infront of them in an angry/aggressive way is about causing fear.

That hits the nail on the head. I'm so fed up of the cool girls on MN who can't see any problem with swearing.

They're not just syllables. What a daft thing to say. The whole point of swear words is that they have power.

At their most useful they can be a form of non- violent release- if you slam a door on your finger swearing is probably very therapeutic.

At their worst they can be aggressive threatening and frightening ; or used to ridicule or demean someone else.

@Mlanket

The Irish definitely swear more in everyday conversations than the English (I’m Irish)

This is 'definitely' not true as my English dh and my inlaws (all east end London) swear way more than me and my family/ friends (all Irish). I've rarely heard my parents swear and I have never sworn in front of them.

Regardless op your dh should be able to regulate himself better around young children.

Agree with this. I don't think the swearing in general is such a big deal that you would be thinking of reporting him to the authorities?! That in itself would be a major over-reaction, if this is all your reaction is about (but is it?).

Swearing happens. It's something adults are allowed to do, but not children. It's ok for there to be things that are just for adults. It's not great when a parent swears in front of children, but equally, nobody died. It's a matter of telling then that they're not allowed to do it, regardless of what the adults do.

If your children are hearing it a lot, then it's understandable your daughter let a swear word slip. It's right she be corrected on that, but why was she so terrified? Was she scared of your reaction or your husband's? That's not ok.

It seems to me that it's your husband's anger that's the issue here, not the swearing as such. Maybe some therapy for you both would be helpful.

I think this is more than about swearing, the relationship with your husbands sounds odd. I wouldn’t report my husband but then again he respects my opinion as his wife and mother of our daughter. He is Irish.

He sounds disgusting- disrespectful of you, of his children, short-tempered, unwilling to accept any responsibility or idea he could be wrong. Is he unintelligent? He sounds as if he is. Swearing at children or constantly infront of them in an angry/aggressive way is about causing fear.
I'd end the marriage and have as little to do with him as possible.

You sound about as Irish as my foot 🦶👍

I would say there's a difference between swearing and swearing at.

Agree, it’s ok to swear if you stub your toe but not to swear at someone in anger.

I'm Irish and that's not a normal Irish thing. I don't know any parents who swear in front of their kids.

I think you have bigger problems here than just the swearing though.

Reading your post it isn't the swearing that stands out it is the shouting and swearing whilst shouting and the reaction of terror from your daughter when he was angry which is concerning. Is he aggressive? Does he have a temper? Blocking you on WhatsApp is unacceptable.

For all the things that are holy. Feck off 😂

lol 😂. I’m still told to feck off but it’s in a sincere way

I would say there's a difference between swearing and swearing at. We're a sweary household; largely because I have to hold it in all day.
I did try not to when the dc were little, but it didn't last. They were taught they only adults swear- like only adults can drive and drink beer etc. It's been fine. Neither has ever sworn in school (or been caught) because presumably they've watched us in different situations and learned to code switch. Ds tries to pretend the occasional swear slips out (he's 16) but knows better than to swear round us. He's very scathing of friends who swear for effect, too.

Whew, a lot to unpick in this OP.

Nothing bad comes to kids who grow up in sweary houses. I grew up hearing the F word and don’t really swear myself. I remember my mum thinking I was very prim and wouldn’t have cared if I swore. But my mum (or anyone else) never swore at me. There is an important distinction.

What is bad, is that you and your eldest seem to be very scared of your DH. His behaviour is not ok. He seems childish. How can he get angry at your children for swearing when he teaches it to them?? How can he block you for wanting to talk about it. How can he be so aggressive to his own children.

If you are genuinely scared of him, reach out to womens aid or the HV in terms of leaving him. The HV won’t be able to stop him swearing or treating you all badly, but they can maybe help you leave him.

The Irish definitely swear more in everyday conversations than the English (I’m Irish)