Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For reporting my DH to the Health Visitor? What should I do?

259 replies

getmeout12 · 07/11/2024 20:52

My husband is Irish. He swears as part of his every day vocabulary, it seems to be an Irish thing (is it!?). Tells me his parents always used the F word when he grew up. We have two young children (6 and 4). He swears in front of them on a daily basis: "F sake" multiple times a day; "stop f-ing doing that", "get out of that f-cking car" type of thing. If he's working around the house and something frustrates him, we'll often hear a "F&cking hell" shouted loudly from whichever room he is in.

My 4 year old has sworn twice during October half term to his grandparents who are mortified. You ask him where he's heard that, "Daddy". It's almost now farcical, both my 6 and 4 year old say "Daddy swears".

My 6 year old has made him a swear jar called "Daddy's swear jar".

Tonight it just got too much. My eldest, who is a sensitive soul, knows it is wrong and she is so terrified of doing anything wrong. She is a bit of a do-gooder Tonight, at bedtime, for some reason, she blurted out "get off my f&cking bed". DH shouted at her. She was mortified, ran downstairs to me breaking her heart crying, so upset with herself that she had said it and with the look of absolute fear in her eyes.

I felt as though I couldn't tell the poor girl off, she knew it was wrong - and I cannot blame her when she hears it daily from him. She was terrified of what would happen and so upset. I comforted her, calmed her down and took her to bed.

When I told my husband again that it had to stop, he says she needs to be told off that it's wrong. .

I'm at my absolute wits end. DH will not listen, walks out whenever I try to tell him that this is a real issue. I have just text him now to explain that I'm really concerned, he has blocked me on WhatsApp so he cannot receive my message. The fact my 6 and 4 yo have it as part of their vocabulary and that it is at the tip of their tongue so that it "slips out" fills me with fear about what is to come in future years.

Do I report this to school? Do I report it to the health visitor? What should I do? I've continually asked but it will not stop, it is engrained in him. It seems to have got worse in years gone by. I guess he has always sworn before we had kids, but its impact is of course heightened with children around (I guess I never really believed he would actually swear in front of kids - I'd never seen him do that with others' children!).

I have no idea what to do. Any advice gratefully received, and please be kind. I'm carrying a lot at the moment.

OP posts:
PicturePlace · 08/11/2024 06:22

applestrudels · 07/11/2024 22:55

This is such a weird post...

On the one hand there's your husband, who apparently is the type who swears like he breathes, and uses swear words for punctuation.

Some people will be clutching their pearls at that, but it really is not a big deal, and your reaction to it seems really over the top. It's not a health and safety concern, no one is getting hurt, and there is absolutely no reason why it should "fill you with fear for what is to come". For reference, my dad was a sailor, so he also swore for punctuation, and my mum used to get annoyed that we obviously picked up on it and swore too... she would always correct us if she heard us (as in, she would sternly say "Oi, language!" ... no "shouting at us", no punishments or anything like that...) and we obviously knew we weren't allowed to swear at school, even though the odd swear word sometimes slipped out... again, not the end of the world. Your reaction to his swearing in front of the children is way over the top and irrational.

But the more worrying question is, why is your husband shouting at your daughter to the point she's terrified, just for swearing, when HE is the one she's picked it up from?? - Have I read that right, or is your daughter's fear and panic coming from your over-reaction to swearing?

Also blocking you on whatsapp is childish, immature and concerning when you've got children.

The whole situation is weird, and - unless there is more than you are mentioning in this post - then both of you need to readjust your attitudes towards swearing and the children.

Your husband has to accept that if he constantly swears in front of the children, they WILL pick it up, and not because they are being naughty, but because that's quite simply how language acquisition works, he is ingraining those words into their heads and making them part of the children's daily vocabulary. So If they do swear, he has absolutely no right to shout at them or punish them, although a reminder that they shouldn't use that word is OK.

On the other hand, you need to chill the fuck out about swearing!! They're just words at the end of the day!! Yes, remind the children not to say those words if they slip out, but all this talk of reporting to school and HV??! Absolutely no need.

The issue of why your daughter is getting that upset over swearing is the most concerning issue to me. Is she suffering from anxiety generally? Could she do with practicing some resilience? Is she justifiably terrified of her dad? Or has your unhealthy anxiety over swearing rubbed off on her and made her excessively anxious over it?

As for a healthier way to deal with the swearing, we use a swear jar too, and any time our children hear us swear, we put a coin in their jar, but if we hear them swear, we take a coin out. That way they are learning that swearing is frowned upon and they should try and avoid it, but there really is no need for all the anxiety and hand wringing.

100% this.

Berlinlover · 08/11/2024 06:20

I’m Irish and I think your husband sounds thick and ignorant. Surely you knew this before you married him?

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 08/11/2024 06:09

applestrudels · 07/11/2024 22:55

This is such a weird post...

On the one hand there's your husband, who apparently is the type who swears like he breathes, and uses swear words for punctuation.

Some people will be clutching their pearls at that, but it really is not a big deal, and your reaction to it seems really over the top. It's not a health and safety concern, no one is getting hurt, and there is absolutely no reason why it should "fill you with fear for what is to come". For reference, my dad was a sailor, so he also swore for punctuation, and my mum used to get annoyed that we obviously picked up on it and swore too... she would always correct us if she heard us (as in, she would sternly say "Oi, language!" ... no "shouting at us", no punishments or anything like that...) and we obviously knew we weren't allowed to swear at school, even though the odd swear word sometimes slipped out... again, not the end of the world. Your reaction to his swearing in front of the children is way over the top and irrational.

But the more worrying question is, why is your husband shouting at your daughter to the point she's terrified, just for swearing, when HE is the one she's picked it up from?? - Have I read that right, or is your daughter's fear and panic coming from your over-reaction to swearing?

Also blocking you on whatsapp is childish, immature and concerning when you've got children.

The whole situation is weird, and - unless there is more than you are mentioning in this post - then both of you need to readjust your attitudes towards swearing and the children.

Your husband has to accept that if he constantly swears in front of the children, they WILL pick it up, and not because they are being naughty, but because that's quite simply how language acquisition works, he is ingraining those words into their heads and making them part of the children's daily vocabulary. So If they do swear, he has absolutely no right to shout at them or punish them, although a reminder that they shouldn't use that word is OK.

On the other hand, you need to chill the fuck out about swearing!! They're just words at the end of the day!! Yes, remind the children not to say those words if they slip out, but all this talk of reporting to school and HV??! Absolutely no need.

The issue of why your daughter is getting that upset over swearing is the most concerning issue to me. Is she suffering from anxiety generally? Could she do with practicing some resilience? Is she justifiably terrified of her dad? Or has your unhealthy anxiety over swearing rubbed off on her and made her excessively anxious over it?

As for a healthier way to deal with the swearing, we use a swear jar too, and any time our children hear us swear, we put a coin in their jar, but if we hear them swear, we take a coin out. That way they are learning that swearing is frowned upon and they should try and avoid it, but there really is no need for all the anxiety and hand wringing.

Some people will be clutching their pearls at that, but it really is not a big deal,Some people will be clutching their pearls at that, but it really is not a big deal,

I'm so fed up of this lazy, hackneyed phrase. I don't like swearing. I don't like swearing being used routinely as punctuation. It's ugly and unneccessary and I find it aggressive and intimidating.

Edingril · 08/11/2024 06:08

No idea if they would with this but other than contacting social services what do you expect them to be able to do?

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 08/11/2024 06:05

BetterInColour · 08/11/2024 04:58

"F sake" multiple times a day; "stop f-ing doing that", "get out of that f-cking car" type of thing that's an incredibly aggressive way to speak to a 4 and a 6 year old.

I'd hate to be around someone who behaved like that.

GinForBreakfast · 08/11/2024 05:42

As per everyone else. This isn't about swearing, this is about being overly aggressive towards small children. No wonder they are anxious.

He needs therapy or a hard dose of reality.

BetterInColour · 08/11/2024 04:58

"F sake" multiple times a day; "stop f-ing doing that", "get out of that f-cking car" type of thing that's an incredibly aggressive way to speak to a 4 and a 6 year old.

Wordsmithery · 08/11/2024 04:10

Red flags flying everywhere.
His swearing isn't in itself the issue. Some families could make a joke of daddy's bad words.
What is alarming is the DC's fear when she swore. She ran to you to feel safe. That speaks volumes.
Then there's his hypocrisy. He can swear but the kids get in trouble if they do?
And blocking you on WhatsApp is playground levels of petty.
Either have a mature conversation about his language, and about why the DC is scared, or consider whether you want this man around your kids.

VegTrug · 08/11/2024 00:58

It’s nothing to do with school. If you were concerned about another family then yes, report to school. Not your own family! I would mention it to the health visitor though, definitely

Grabyourpassportandmyhand · 08/11/2024 00:10

*Lancastrienne *Ok fair enough if they do. It isn’t something I’ve noticed but then again as I don’t speak Polish/Latvian/Bulgarian/Romanian/Hausa and countless others I don’t know how often they swear in comparison. But people are focussing on the nationality instead of the real issues at play here.

applestrudels · 08/11/2024 00:08

OP basically I think we need to know, is your husband verbally abusive/aggressive, or is it really just the swearing that's the issue here?

Lancastrienne · 07/11/2024 23:59

You’re wrong @Grabyourpassportandmyhand , research suggests that Irish people swear much more compared to other nationalities.

While comprehensive academic studies specifically comparing swearing frequencies across different nationalities are limited, several sources suggest that swearing is a notable aspect of Irish communication:

  1. Preply Survey (2024): A survey conducted by Preply in early 2024 found that over half of Irish residents swear regularly throughout the day. The study also highlighted that Limerick residents swear over 10 times per day on average, indicating a cultural acceptance of swearing as an expressive form.
  2. Preply
  3. IrishCentral Article (2023): An article from IrishCentral discusses the cultural reasons behind the frequent use of swear words in Ireland, suggesting that swearing is deeply embedded in Irish humor and storytelling traditions.
  4. Irish Central
  5. "Swearing in Irish English" Study (2018): A corpus-based quantitative analysis by Martin Schweinberger examines the sociolinguistics of swearing in Irish English, noting that younger speakers and men are more likely to use swear words, reflecting societal norms within Ireland.
  6. Dialnet
These sources indicate that swearing is a prevalent and culturally embedded practice in Ireland, often associated with expressiveness and camaraderie rather than offense.
man shouting

Ireland & swear words: Do the Irish really swear a lot?

Is Cork really the capital of Irish curses? A new survey uncovers the swear words, accents, and regional quirks that make the Emerald Isle unique.

https://preply.com/en/blog/irish-swearing-habits/

Pippy2022 · 07/11/2024 23:58

Everytime your partner swears I would tell him off so the kids can see it's wrong.

I say 'bloody' alot but kids know not to copy and so far haven't...

Lancastrienne · 07/11/2024 23:50

My dad is also Irish. I doubt he has let a day go by in his adult life without swearing. He swears all the time. It doesn’t bother me

Grabyourpassportandmyhand · 07/11/2024 23:50

The thread is going off topic about whether its an 'Irish' thing to swear. Of course it isn't.

OP have you considered by saying its a nationality trait that you are trying to give yourself a free pass that you chose the wrong partner? I mean your DH always used bad language but you chose to ignore it by putting it down to his nationality because you wanted him and therefore chose to accept it until now?

The language isn't the most important thing here. Describing your child as being afraid of her father is important. Blocking you on his phone is important. These are the issues you need to focus on. Admitting he has a temper and your kids are afraid of him and/or he isn't a good father are the real issues at play here.

Hummusanddipdip · 07/11/2024 23:49

It's the swearing at the children that gets me. Swearing in front of them happens. However it's definitely more commonplace than I remember growing up.
Dh swears, but would never swear at our children. 5yo knows swear words, he has sworn and been contextually correct, but has been brought to know they upset some people and as I don't swear (try very hard not to) they're known as 'daddy words' he has told me off for using them as he seems to believe that only his dad is allowed to use them 🤷‍♀️ not a perfect solution, but it works.

BubbleGumSplit · 07/11/2024 23:49

Would he say Feck instead....only slightly better but its a start....and no its not an Irish thing. I have lots of Irish family and none of them ever swore infront of me. How's the rest of his behaviour? Why was your DC so terrified tonight?

Lancastrienne · 07/11/2024 23:49

You seriously want to report an adult for swearing? That is insane

Threelittleduck · 07/11/2024 23:42

My dad is Irish. In 40 years I've heard him swear twice so not all Irish people swear
Regardless he sounds like a nasty piece of work. He constantly swears around the kids, terrifies then when they copy and thinks they should be punished for saying what he does.
Tell him one last time , the swearing stops now. If you dare to punish the kids for copying you then I will punish you. If you don't respect me or the children enough to stop swearing it's over. But you have to mean it.
I can't quite understand why you're with him tbh
.

PigOrChupacabra · 07/11/2024 23:34

I swear a lot. Widely and using all the swear words. Rarely at people; frequently at objects; often if I have had some kind of domestic, culinary or clumsiness related accident.

My children don't swear casually - or not that I or their schools have ever heard, anyway... I taught them they're words for teens and grown ups, not small children. My son (13) now occasionally asks me if he may swear when describing a particularly nasty or bizarre situation - I think that's quite sweet in some ways (he will then use 'bloody').

I don't find swearing concerning, nor do I think children will necessarily swear because they hear it. I find the aggression concerning. I find a child needing to shout at an adult to remove them from their bed very concerning.

theleafandnotthetree · 07/11/2024 23:30

Im Irish and would say that we are pretty sweary generally but only rarely is it in an aggressive or rough way, more so expressive and reinforcing, like : "can you fucking believe that fucking moron Trump got in" kind of thing.

Copperoliverbear · 07/11/2024 23:22

I think you seem unhappy in general and should ask him to leave.

AgainandagainandagainSS · 07/11/2024 23:14

One of my best friends and colleagues is Irish. He doesn't have a potty mouth.
He must have sworn before you had kids - why did you go ahead and have them knowing he swore every other word? Did you think he would just flip a switch and turn it off?
I knew someone who said 'only people with very little alternative intelligent vocabulary swear'. She was right.

bevm72yellow · 07/11/2024 23:10

I think the anger is the problem not the swearing. The aggression scares them. The big loud voice with the bad language is like the cream on the cake. Lots of people swear but if you are sworn at it is abusive. And it destroys self esteem if used against a child. He is not to give instructions with swearing in it to a child. There is a huge difference in that and swearing because something broke/ damaged. Yes it is embarrassing if a child swears in front of family but the aggression in family home is a bigger priority to address.

ThatRareUmberJoker · 07/11/2024 23:09

Your child might end up in the prison system after saying get the fuck of my bed. She'll spend years in and out of prison tattoos everywhere and she'll probably end up with a down and out biker named Duck. Good luck op you will need it.