For reporting my DH to the Health Visitor? What should I do?

I'm not pearl-clutching, I swear myself. But not in front of children

I used to swear a lot with my husband. Then I had the children and I just stopped, I realised it sounded horrible. My parents don't swear much (except if they stub their toe) and it's not nice in public, so really, it's not clear why it's become so ingrained.

I think it's quite funny though that everyone on here says they swear constantly around the kids, but the kids do not swear at all. Why not? If it's so harmless, let them swear. If it's harmful, why are you still doing it around them all the time? If they have more self-control than you, it's a little odd.

One of the biggest things you can give children is the ability to code-switch, which is to change their language to adapt to the surrounding environment they are in, some bright kids are very good at this, and can swap in and out of swearing, different languages, tones etc, but many can't and they end up speaking however they were taught at home, and find it hard to modify their language. That's why I chose not to swear (apart from very occasionally) in everyday conversation with my children, as I didn't want them accustomed to that way of speaking so totally that they wouldn't be able to switch out of it. If they are able to and never get it wrong, great, but the OP's dd wasn't able to and imitated her dad and then cried. No biggie, his aggression is the issue.

When did it become the norm to swear frequently at home and in earshot of children?

I'm not pearl-clutching, I swear myself. But not in front of children

When I grew up adults never did apart from the odd 'bloody' And I was amazed to find out, after he died, that my dad swore like a navvy when he was at the pub with friends.

And never, while my DC were growing up did family or friends swear around them.

And we still don't around the DGC.

And while it's easy to prevent them watching unsuitable programmes or drinking etc, listening to language is a different thing. Language is there to be learned and absorbed so much harder to do the Don't do as I do, do as I say - because that's what they're doing!

It definitely is an Irish thing, swearing more than other anglophone countries. I am Irish. The question is... does he say fecking or fucking?

I think the swearing is a red herring here, it's the aggression behind it that's the real problem, and the childish response to a conversation about it. That's what you need to address OP.

We're a sweary family but nobody has ever sworn at DC in the family to my knowledge, and when it comes to them copying they're taught that some words are just for grown ups to say in the same way that some drinks are just for grown ups to have, or some TV shows are just for grown ups to watch.

Why would you report it to anyone?? You tell him not to swear. You explain to the children that daddy is wrong to swear like this and that you don't want to hear swearing from them.

I swear like a trooper on nights out, when I’m stressed at work, when my DH is being an arsehole. I would never swear AT a child. Yes they may hear the f bomb once in a while, but it’s not a fluent part of family life like the OP’s DH.

Like every area of your life, you ADAPT when you have children, you scale back the swearing. It’s bloody obvious. She’s not prissy, just a normal Mum trying to bring up well rounded children, not chavvy little scumbags.

I think all parents slip up now and then. But a grown man who says to a 6 and 4 year old ‘get out the fucking car’ sounds fucking vile.

How can he shout at them when it’s his fault?

How do you take him anywhere? Does he swear like this in front of your parents?

I swear like a trooper and op knew what she married and she wanted children with him. Now it's a fucking problem and she wants to change the bastard. I think the op comes across as pretentious and prissy.

I am Irish and I use the f word frequently. I make an effort to not use it, my DH also Irish, doesn't use it. My children aged 13, 15 and 16 very rarely use it and it it does slip out, they know its wrong. I apologise when I use it around them.

There is however a difference between using it in an aggressive manner which your DH seems to be doing and using it as a catch all expression which a lot of Irish people do.

What do you hope to achieve by reporting this to the school or health visitor? They will not care, I don't think swearing in front of children is ok but it's just naughty words. A lot of schools don't seem to even do anything when a child is clearly being neglected with constant headlice and bruises. What could they do about a man saying words we don't approve of?

Unfortunately this is just one of those things where the only thing you can do is talk to him and try and get him to stop.

I totally agree with telling children not to swear, telling them they might get in trouble at school, telling them a lot of people don't like it, find it upsetting, rude etc.

But that can be achieved with simple reminders... shouting at a seemingly already overly anxious child to the point she's scared and crying is absolutely unnecessary.

She might say it at school. I swear but my children no not to swear around adults. He should have explained why she shouldn't swear. There would have been a better outcome. You can't hide children away from bad language it's said out on the street and it's printed in books. A child shouldn't swear it looks bad and sounds wrong.

For starters your "angel" daughter who, because of her dads swearing, was somehow FORCED to shout "get the f*ck off my bed" definitely needs disciplined, just because you see shitty behaviour doesn't mean you get to copy and get away with it after bubbling and running away "terrified". At 6 she can actually control her own mouth and presumably she doesn't have tourettes. And you should be supporting her to do so not throwing pity parties.
Tbh I think this is all a load of nonsense - kind of immature reaction from you about literally words. YOU are making it a big deal, sobbing and being dramatic whilst wittering on about payment jars and probably making a massive fuss every time he swears. Just divorce already, it's just speech, he isn't going to speak exactly how you want him to and apparently you are incapable of utilising it as a learning moment for your 4 year old and 6 year old "angel" that "doesn't know any better and can't help herself" the fact you KNEW long before you had kids anyway is NUTS.

Many families I grew up with and families I know now have at least a couple members that swear like troopers, none of them are having any issues with their toddlers or primary aged children swearing at random, but then most of those mothers didn't melt into a sobbing faint at the C word or the word fck (which is extremely popular where i am from, used as an insult, a term of endearment, an exclamation of surprise you name it you can use c*t) also we all know "that" parent that even when their child misbehaves it's not their angels fault but can be blamed on everyone else. Ridiculous attitude to teach, you will be in for a shock at school- teachers will not support any of that but no doubt if she tells someone to eff off at school you will still blame her dad 😂😂😂😂

I think that perhaps the swearing isn't the particular issue here but maybe more of the aggressiveness in which DH is swearing. IMO there is a big difference in swearing when you drop something or stub a toe compared to swearing at your children to do something - "get out the f-ing car".

A lot of adults swear and children are little sponges who will copy them. It's only natural that your DD swore after hearing her dad do it multiple times a day. (Unfortunately I'm going through a bit of a phase with my 6yo swearing due to hearing it from the other kids at school!) Teaching your kids that, "yes daddy swears and he shouldn't, but he's an adult and we can't control what he says, only what we say" is perhaps how I would deal with it. I'd also explain to her that there are some situations and people that it just isn't appropriate to swear around, ie. School and grandparents.

I think your DH's poor communication is a real concern though.

I’m Irish too and we definitely don’t ‘punctuate sentences with “fucking” all the time’ where I am, so that must be area specific.

Agree ‘fecking’ is much, much milder though it doesn’t translate well…probably not what OP’s DH was saying though.

I completely disagree. Children of 5 and 6 are still at the language acquisition stage of development, their brains are literally wired to absorb language like a sponge from those around them. Picking up an alcoholic drink and drinking it is an active choice, whereas swearing, when you've been surrounded by it since birth, can sometimes be almost subconscious. It's OK to remind children "oops, remember we don't say that word, do we?" but shouting at a 6 year old for imitating her dad's language is very unfair.

I know plenty of people who swear a lot and have kids. The kids are taught that it’s an adult word and they can’t say it until they are older. They don’t swear. I was taught the same and first swore at 16. First swore in front of my parents in my twenties.

You can parent to prevent it.

Your DH should listen and should tone it down. Blocking you on WhatsApp is worse imo

As their mother, you’re meant to do something about this, not pass the responsibility to someone else! Pathetic. How adults like yourself and your husband can be blessed with children is beyond me. They deserve a whole let better. You should have sorted this years ago and if it wasn’t sorted then left and put your children first. Disgusting behaviour from both of you.

Really? Would you be upset if your child did another behaviour that is appropriate for an adult but not a child (e.g. drinking)? I would. It is really fairly easy to grasp - for both adults and children - that some things are fine when you are older but not as a child. Swearing is no different, unless you live your entire adult life as though you are a child. Do you have a later bedtime than your children? Should you go to bed at 7.30pm so that you're not "modelling" bad behaviour? Don't be ridiculous. Cursing is a completely normal and acceptable behaviour from adults.

'I have just text him now to explain that I'm really concerned, he has blocked me on WhatsApp so he cannot receive my message'

'When I told my husband again that it had to stop, he says she needs to be told off that it's wrong'

So he cannot see his obvious double standards, and does not have skills to engage in adult conversation when you address his behavious that impacts you and your children - actually, two behavious, swearing and now shouting. There is a huge communication gap as he gets defensive when you try to talk to him, but if he does not want or see a reason to address it, there is nothing you can do to change him.

I'd probably try to speak calmly with him once again when his emotions are lower but would be clear I will not accept punishing my kids for copying his behaviours.

Because when you grew up surrounded by them and with swearing not being treated as anything particularly bad, it becomes an ingrained habit. Which is why it's so unfair of OP's DH to shout at his children for swearing!

The real issue here is not the swearing, but the fact that your children are terrified and he has blocked you on WhatsApp so he is not willing to listen to your opinion… he sounds an angry abusive man

For me the issue is he is modelling the behaviour then telling them off for repeating! He's not listening. No advice sorry - sympathies.

We swear a lot in our household ("fecking eejit" would be an affectionate term like "silly sausage" is to the English), and we punctuate sentences with "fucking" all the time - it's part of everyday language for adult where I grew up (Dublin).

The kids (10 and 7) don't ever swear, swearing neither bothers nor fascinates them, and they know that it is something that adults are allowed to do (and teenagers, in some limited contexts). It's like seeing an adult have a glass of wine. It's for adults, the kids know that, it's really not complex.

Kids are clever, language is fun, swearing is fun, cultures are different.

Why do some people find it so difficult not to swear when it is inappropriate?

It can't be that hard.

I don't pepper my conversation with swear words all the time, only when vexed.