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Original poster

Why do people lecture me at work?

41 replies

Perimenoanti · 07/11/2024 19:18

I'm just so frustrated today. It's either men or senior/older woman trying to explain to me or make sure I understand the absolute basics of my area of expertise. I have been in this type of role 20 years. Why do people do this?

I have had two men and one women do this since Friday.

I'm seen as an expert in my industry. I get paid very well after negotiating significant salary increases whilst in this role (think 15pc or more each time). I was given extremely valuable shares. I see this as a sign that my performance has been good and they value my work and want to keep me. And these people somehow speak to me as though they are my teachers. They assume I don't know certain things and explain or ask questions that aren't genuine questions. They are 'are you sure about this' questions when I state facts as though they are some kind of coach.

They are my peers of varying levels of experience, but all older than me. None has done my job. They are experts in related fields.

On top of this my boss thinks he understands my job as well or better than I do. He doesn't and comes with suggestions that make me think 'oh my god, this makes no sense, how do I navigate this'. He manages 10 people who are all covering complicated subjects. He's not expected to know each person's job inside out, it's not possible, but i wish he enquired what I think makes sense rather than trying to sell me ideas that dont.

I'm not a pushover. I'm known as quite a straight forward person, so it can't be that.

I just feel really frustrated and worn out today.

OP posts:
Original poster
Perimenoanti · 07/11/2024 21:36

@Bearbookagainandagain agree it's a bit easier coming from superiors, but it's still frustrating if you can almost predict that this is what they'll do.

I fairly sure my boss feels intimidated by my direct manner. He avoids any whiff of a conflict and seems unable to say no to people demanding things from our department. It's another point of frustration of mine, because we end up with all this crap and one day he'll fuck off on holiday without having arranged cover for all the crap he couldn't say no to, some of which then comes my way as a surprise.

I think he avoids me, which then frustrates me even more and I become even more direct. We barely have any contact and if we do he speaks like he's the expert of my job and I shut it down.

OP posts:
Aimtodobetter · 07/11/2024 21:33

I hate to say it but the rules for a woman are still very different than for a man in most business environments. I think you need you probably need to be less blunt and more conciliatory e.g. "I will definitely give that some consideration" in your approach as otherwise I fear you will (quite unfairly) be seen as difficult/not a team player even though a guy in your position would just be considered confident. If you've never had that sort of feedback ignore me - or if you're willing to deal with the consequences for the sake of being able to stay true to your natural communication style - but in my experience this will kick you in the ass at some point so better to start to address it now no matter how unfair it is.

Bearbookagainandagain · 07/11/2024 20:52

I have something similar with some directors in my company, although as they are more senior it's easier to navigate as I just have to let them talk.
It drives me bonkers, I would set up a call to take them through a project update and they take over the first 15 min to explain to me what the project is about... Most of the time they are wrong.

Part of it for me is company culture, they reinforce each others behaviour so it spreads 🙄

Original poster
Perimenoanti · 07/11/2024 20:41

Godoit · 07/11/2024 20:32

Could you just be sensitive to run of the mill questioning? If someone asked me "are you sure about this" I'd just respond with "yes absolutely" and carry on about my day.

You might be onto something. I appear confident but I don't always am. I'm full of self doubt and it's like they are poking a bear. Often I just ignore them or say ok, but I couldn't today what was pointed out to me was so basic I had enough.

I don't get why people do it though. It's literally basic and i would never point this out to anyone with more than 2 years experience, let alone 20.

I have my theory that they need to feel in control, perhaps are plagued by self doubt too, so doubt others instead as in their minds they can still be 'better'.

OP posts:
Godoit · 07/11/2024 20:32

Could you just be sensitive to run of the mill questioning? If someone asked me "are you sure about this" I'd just respond with "yes absolutely" and carry on about my day.

Original poster
Perimenoanti · 07/11/2024 20:21

BellaBlythe · 07/11/2024 20:16

You really should not worry about being blunt with people. Read a few obits in serious papers. I recently read about General Mike Jackson and Sir John Knott.
Both were capable of being short with people.

A big part of me thinks that too. As a woman I wouldn't be where I am and earn what I do had I not been sharp with people and cut through the BS.

Obviously I am open to self development, but I'm in therapy for my horrible childhood so I feel I'm doing this already and have had many realisations and behavioural changes as a result.

OP posts:
itsmylife7 · 07/11/2024 20:19

Perimenoanti · 07/11/2024 19:48

Thanks. I have blind spots for sure, although a colleague told me I come across as very confident and another told me I'm quite blunt towards lecturing guy.

Keep on being blunt.

BellaBlythe · 07/11/2024 20:16

You really should not worry about being blunt with people. Read a few obits in serious papers. I recently read about General Mike Jackson and Sir John Knott.
Both were capable of being short with people.

Original poster
Perimenoanti · 07/11/2024 19:48

Thanks. I have blind spots for sure, although a colleague told me I come across as very confident and another told me I'm quite blunt towards lecturing guy.

OP posts:
Investinmyself · 07/11/2024 19:41

Without knowing field difficult to suggest. Some large employers offer it. Are you part of any networking groups or associations - women in x type things. LinkedIn good for making connections. Networking at conferences.

Original poster
Perimenoanti · 07/11/2024 19:34

@Investinmyself how do I find a mentor?

OP posts:
Investinmyself · 07/11/2024 19:32

Could you connect with a mentor? Feedback from previous colleagues/manager? I’d it’s happening regularly then perhaps something in your style of delivery or demeanour that’s causing people to lack confidence in your ability. 3 people plus your boss suggests there’s a little more to it than them being ridiculous.

Original poster
Perimenoanti · 07/11/2024 19:32

LindorDoubleChoc · 07/11/2024 19:28

You come across as confident enough to be able to say "You don't need to tell me this thank you Audrey".

I do speak a bit like this. I worry that I'm being abrasive.

Last week the guy told me something along the lines 'when x happens it doesn't mean y' and I said 'nobody said it does'.

OP posts:
LindorDoubleChoc · 07/11/2024 19:28

You come across as confident enough to be able to say "You don't need to tell me this thank you Audrey".

Original poster
Perimenoanti · 07/11/2024 19:25

The woman does it to others. One guy does it to others but not everyone. He does it to women and anyone who seems younger. One guy doesn't do it as often, but he always thinks he's best at everything so needs to occasionally sow doubt I feel.

My boss I have no clue. I don't think he targets me. I know we are entirely different people and struggle to communicate. But I need to nip many of his ideas in the bud and it brings me down because I feel I'm being negative by saying 'no' all the time.

OP posts:
BarbaraHoward · 07/11/2024 19:20

That sounds incredibly frustrating OP. Do they do it to others, or is it just you?