To stay in a marriage because of how upset 14 year old DS has a?

This is lot a marriage op, it’s a loveless, joyless prison sentence.

You have already stayed too long and wasted five precious years with this man.

You need to be much firmer with your son, and tell him nothing will change. Both parents will continue to love and care for him but you will not remain married. He does not get to force you to stay in a relationship that is blatantly so harmful.

You will be showing him by example what is expected to maintain relationships. Affection, love and interest is STANDARD in relationships op and not a huge ask at all. Please end this marriage and explain to them how most relationships remain healthy and happy. In time, you might meet someone and show them in person.

You have put up with too much already, no wonder you are depressed.

Hi OP. You absolutely cannot stay in this marriage
But the living arrangements sound very messy indeed and will be confusing emotionally for the children.
I wish I could wave a magic wand for you and wish you all the best x

If your son has ASD, he will be very anxious at the unknown of what will happen and very affected by time away from you. Change will be hard for him, even harder than neurotypical children. Can you be very clear and outline what will happen- what his routine will look like? Can you minimise separation from you if possible. His outbursts and telling you you will ruin his life are very typical of ASD and helping him with transition will help. You can’t stay with your husband because of it.

Regarding the 50/50 part.

Did you mean you are going to have to leave the house when he is not at work because that's what it sounds like. Fuck that.

You deserve happiness and the kids will benefit enormously from not being in a tense home with bickering and having a mum whose struggling with that.

A 12 year old isn’t old enough to understand the complexities of marriage and your own wellbeing, you can’t make a decision based on his wants when it comes to your marriage. He’s allowed his feelings about it but ultimately you haven’t done anything wrong! Look at counselling/support for him if you think he will engage.

You can't stay locked into a dead marriage because ds is blackmailing you emotionally. It will be better for everyone eventually if you are happy yourself .

How would the homeschooling work if you’re not in the house 50% of the time?
Presumably your oh works full time?

You need to look at this situation in a different way which is very difficult when you are in the eye of the storm.

You have 2 high needs children and your marriage is over.

You need to live separately from you hopefully soon to be ex husband and have a place where you can live and care for your daughter and son.

Why do you need to live in the area you do now?

If you sell up how much equity will you get?

If necessary try the 50/50 living arrangements while the house is up for sale but only on that basis. Which makes the separation real and with an end point.

You son is going to continue struggling with his emotional regulation he is a child, he is emotionally immature and he will be ok it is just going to be really hard while the transition happens. I have a DD with ADHD/ autism and she hates change, while getting easily bored which is a great combination 😄 any kind of emotional upset is really difficult she is self centered while at the same time kind and empathetic. But neurodiversity brings unique challenges as she struggles with putting herself in the mindset of the other people around her, but if you explain she will understand (while being very distressed that people may think badly of her). This is why ADHD is hard, it is a constant emotional storm. The best you can do is be decisive and ride it out.

By delaying the inevitable, you are drawing out the pain rather than reducing it.

If after looking at all the options - including maximising your income. Are you claiming all the benefits? Has your daughter got an EHCP? You really cannot separate for solid financial reasons then you need to make a plan and stick to it for living peacefully and separately but really there must be a way to end this marriage for all your sakes.

Good luck.

Have you checked out https://www.entitledto.co.uk/
You can try out different scenarios on there.

As long as you both live in the same house your DC will think you can get back together you need to make a break. What if one of you decides you need to stay there on the others day for some reason.

Also you say your DS has behaviour very similar your DH and whilst that may be because they are ND if you want your DS to grow up and manage to have successful relationships then you have to demonstrate that regardless of ND you still have to learn to modify your behaviour to make them work.

Have you looked into all the benefits/tax credits you could get if you were on your own with the children?

i don’t suppose the atmosphere at home will be helping your dd with anxiety either.

Can you sell the house and even rent for a while?

And you know he’s going to find an excuse not to go to his parents now and again, then a bit more, then he’s back in. And the kids? I take it they stay in the house? I agree with the pp, this is a recipe for disaster.

I think living in the same house albeit at planned different times is a recipe for disaster and upset for everyone.

See a solicitor and work out how you can make a clean break

It’s best to not treat DS as an adult as he doesn’t understand the complexities of how relationships work yet.

It’s a big burden to put on him if do you get back together with your DH only because DS begged you to. There has to be your own reasons to do that.

Your DS is allowed to be a child and express his sadness and the begging is part of the processing a difficult situation for him. He needs for you to take the decision that is best for everyone with your adult hat on. There is every possibility he may turn around years later in relation to what he said at the time and say “but I was just a child!” (My daughter).

My sister was in a very similar situation. She stayed in an awful relationship because her 10 yo Dd really pressurised her into staying.
8 years later my sister got the courage to leave and the one massive regret of her life is that she didn’t do it sooner. She is 4 years down the line now and she has never been happier, She looks back and knows without a doubt that her dc would have had better teenage years if they’d separated because they wouldn’t have had to put up with more years of bickering, awful atmospheres and a very unhappy mum.

Please see the situation as a whole and not just through your Ds eyes. It’s important you are happy, you deserve it and in the long run it will be better for your DC.

I'm sorry op 😔

Are you in a position to move out? How will the separation work?

I'd get everything sorted in my head first before telling the kids though x

Are you physically moving apart this time?

if you are still able to live together, that seems to imply there is no violence, abuse, or constant arguing while married. You are unfulfilled and unhappy, but the family still runs reasonably well.

if you are separating, but still living together, all you are doing is introducing stress into the situation. You can’t actually seek fulfillment in that situation. You might as well just accept the status quo until you can actually leave.