Weddings.

Thank you. My eyes were bleeding.

Nope. I give up. Brought rather than Bought was bad enough but all the unnecessary " " " " are too much!

I think you lost half the battle when you let an alcohol fueled argument with your son at a very stressful time get to you so much you were planning to ruin their wedding by not attending (and drawing all the attention that brings) and then instead turned up, sulked and made the situation no better, no matter what other people did.

Then she got into the "habit " of showing me what she "wanted" or "would like"

And forced you at gun point to pay for it?? Because if you offered, that's on you OP.

I still don't really see what DIL or her Mum have really done wrong here. You making a martyr of yourself or handing over more money than you want to / handing it over in a bid to be seen as better than someone else is not anyone else's fault but your own.

I am very confused about what was said by your son that upset you so much you thought you might not go to the wedding.
You say he was eating the sausage rolls you made. You didn't want him to and told him you were working hard for him and asked him what the Brides mother was doing for them and he said they had given them money for the honeymoon.
Why did that upset you so much? Surely it's all just factual.
Maybe I'm missing something but I can't see why that would upset you so much

*bought

I think when you sound like you’re in the wrong, and it’s your version of events, you must have really really behaved badly and been totally and completely in the wrong!!

I don't know if anyone has ever said this to you but here goes.

"Everything is not all about you"

Sounds like you fell out with everyone and then blamed everything on the brides mother for some reason.

Just stop, go to your sons wedding with a smile on your face and say nothing but "what a lovely day" "everyone looks so happy"

I can't understand why your Son eating a sausage roll resulted in you asking what the Bride's Mother had done or not done in the first place?? It doesn't make any sense but seems to be where things started to unravel. Nor do I understand why her contributing to the honeymoon unleashed such fury that you weren't going to go to the wedding?

You point the finger at your DIL and her Mum, but it was YOUR SON who came eating your food and answering your questions in a way that appears to have sent you into meltdown.

All sounds like a lot of unnecessary drama, possibly stemming from jealousy, and all pointed at the wrong people.

It’s not even clear to me what the original fury was even prompted by. That the MIL paid for the honeymoon? So what? OP asked her son what she was contributing, he told her, then OP was so livid she nearly pulled out of the wedding… why?

Exactly this.

Being completely honest if my mum had thrown a strop and then said she wasn’t coming to my wedding, only changing her mind with half an hour to spare, our relationship would absolutely never have been the same.

I'd take a deep breath and leave your kids to it.

They've invited you, say thank you and that you'd love to attend. Don't mention another word about your DIL's mother or try to discuss it, or clear the air. Your best way forward is to enjoy the day and keep any thoughts or feelings to yourself, smile nicely and make polite conversation if people approach you. Keep your distance from your DIL and her DM.

Sorry but you reap what you sow.

Having an argument the night before with your son.
Refusing to attend the wedding up until the last moment
Being unhappy at the wedding and not all smiley and happy
Sniping with the bride's mother
Bitchy comments relating to bride's mother
Expressing your dissatisfaction with numerous things post wedding to another son.

That's quite a list really. I think it would be best if you reflected on your whole behaviour over this to see why you are at the place you are currently. Other people will have their own views, just as you have yours.

You sound like the one at fault here, OP, and this is your account. I can only imagine what the other side of this story is.

You sound like every bridal couples nightmare to be honest OP! I'd not be inviting you at all...be grateful you're even on the guest list, hold your tongue and stay off the booze!

Sit down and enjoy this wedding with no responsibilities. Cut down on the drama.

OK, this sounds a bit mad. Given that being 'mother of the groom' last time appears to have involved you paying for everything, cooking everything, and making sausage rolls in the early hours of the morning before the wedding, getting into a fight with your son and then deciding not to go until someone made you rethink a mere half hour before the wedding -- surely being 'just a guest' is a step up???

Also, you sound extremely quarrelsome (and not just you, but you can only change your own behaviour). No one forced you to pay for everything, cook an entire wedding buffet and be making sausage rolls after midnight, so why on earth did you bring up your son's MIL to be? Did you think she should also be slaving over a hot stove the night before her child gets married? Then you get involved in some kind of tussle about pens to sign the register, and sound off to another one of your sons on the wedding day, which gets repeated to the honeymooning couple. That son is now getting married, and has clearly decided you're best kept away from arrangements (which you're not happy about either, even though you clearly weren't happy with all the work you put into the other son's wedding either), and you have the hump about your other son's MIL being invited.

Surely the best thing to do is just to enjoy being a plain guest this time around? Relax, get plenty of rest, recover from losing your father and dealing with the will, don't drink so much it makes you argumentative, and just enjoy the wedding?

You all sound ridiculous. Your son sounds selfish and spoiled, you come across as a drama llama and the whole lot of you seem to be operating in a massive playground. In what world did you think it was a good idea to "mouth off" to your other son and the maid of honour (you didn't think she would at the very least go clucking to her best mate?) and assume it wouldn't get back to them? Why do you even want to be involved in the second wedding's prep after son number one scoffed your sausage rolls and treated you like a lump of shite?
Go to the event dressed in suitably coloured attire and keep it buttoned for the day.

OP why were you the one who was paying and preparing everything for this wedding? What were the circumstances that the Bride and Groom were not planning (and paying) for with their own wedding? Were the brides' family given the opportunity to have any input into the wedding? There seems to be more to this than meets the eye?
You having an argument came at a time when you were stressed and tired - and in the middle of preparations for his wedding. Your DS was eating food you had prepared and you say alcohol had some input into all this too. Generally speaking - weddings are the brides' family cookie!! I am generalising here but I'm also aware that weddings can be a minefield - and from a personal point of view have had to - with DH take a backseat (plus a big monetary contribution) for his 3 DCs. But then had all the joy of helping my DD prepare for her wedding as Mum of the bride along with her DH (but this will be different for my DS as his future MiL will be the one taking the reins when it comes to planning)
It is a stressful time for everyone concerned but you seem to have taken full control of everything and this has ruffled a few feathers. It was the Bride's Mums' day - I'm only sorry you couldn't see that.

Your behaviour sounds appalling. You have a drunken fight with your son the day before his wedding. You presumably offered to do the things you did, and then act like you’re being put upon and attacking his MIL for not doing enough?! You threaten not to go to the wedding until right before. And then you self him and his wife off to other family members.

You should apologise, and try not to wreck your relationships with your children and their partners. The only one that will miss out due to your bad behaviour is you.

The next bride to be was listening to you make a massive drama out of the previous wedding, and slagging off the mother of the bride for what sounds like general proud mammy behaviour.

From this bride-to-be's point of view, she obviously doesn't see that behavior as hogging the day, otherwise she wouldn't invite the woman. But she's also probably seeing you insisting on some Don Corleone type sit down with the woman as drama mongering and wants no drama to arise from her day - hence you being benched from the planning.

Do you really not see that your ongoing offended attitude towards the first DILs mother is bonkers?

everyone here sounds like children - you included.

I can’t stand people that do things out of love but then don’t let people forget about it. Don’t do something kind and then use it manipulate a situation with “all that I’ve done/you should be grateful” as an argument. It’s so fucking manipulative and toxic and parents do it so much

That's not the impression you gave with your original post, Op.

Still - hopefully you have learnt that slagging off one adult child to another is not to be repeated.