Weddings.

I feel like part of the story is missing - namely the reason you brought your son’s MIL into things. I can see you getting annoyed at him casually scoffing the wedding food when you were still working the night before, but what did he say to make you bring her into it?

Is it possible that there was a genuine misunderstanding over his comments about MIL to be paying for the honeymoon? You felt like “I’ve paid for XYZ, have done all this preparation and he’s still moaning I didn’t pay towards the honeymoon” - and I understand why that would be hurtful - but he was genuinely just correcting you to confirm that MIL had in fact made a key contribution.

Either way, to threaten to boycott the wedding, only to change your mind at the very last minute, is a very extreme reaction, and one guaranteed to cause upset. You then shared your annoyance with your other son and his fiancée, knowing very well that the two women were close enough to be one another’s maids of honour. You must have known that information would get back to your son and DIL. Can you really not see that this looked like a deliberate attempt to create more drama and make it about you?

You need to significantly pull back this time around. Don’t interfere with the arrangements or guest list and don’t get snippy about not being asked to do XYZ.

You're unreasonable for using the word brought instead of bought.

I'm not sure what he said that was so out of order? That she had paid for the honeymoon? Well she did, and it was you who turned it into a competition.

You also feel like you're just a guest at your other sons wedding, and you are? Whats the problem with that?

You sound very immature and thrive off family spats.

So you said your DIL cut you off. Is that still the case, or are you ok now?

total up how much you actually spent on the wedding as you will probably find it equals the cash donation for honeymoon.

also who takes their parents on their honeymoon. Plus you looked after kids.

this time round you get to enjoy the wedding as a guest. No preparation. You can relax and get ready etc
make a cash donation and don’t offer to look after grandkids

I think it's really unfortunate that you are going through such a hard time and equally unfortunate that the people around you didn't seem to acknowledge this and give you some grace. However when it got to the point of threatening not to come to the wedding and leaving your son wondering until the very last minute of his own mother would be there, It would take me a long time to forgive you for that. What should have been an exciting day leading up to the ceremony, he had to spend not sure if his mother would be there.
It's all easy for me to say because my kids are still small, but so far it seems to me that a big part of having kids is showing up for them even when they're acting like assholes. Especially for the big stuff.

She must have agreed

This is all YOUR fault. Take some responsibility and stop blaming other people.

You asked what MIL has done, you fell out with your son the night before his wedding (and there was nothing wrong with his answer you bloody well asked what MIL has contributed and he told you), you threatened not to attend his wedding, you made the day all about you, you slagged off his wife and alienated your other new DIL, you’re carrying on a feud with the MIL, and you are still making everything, including your other son’s upcoming wedding, all about you!!

You’re lucky you’re invited at all! Get a grip of yourself, wise up, apologise, and behave yourself at this wedding before your sons cut you off for good.

You are still grieving, your son's will hopefully realise that any unusual behaviour is out of character. Try getting into bereavement therapy.
Maybe afterwards you can talk to your son's with a clearer head, 6 months is such a short time, cut your son's some slack aswell as they have also lost their father. Dealing with a wedding, we'll I don't know how you all did it, but recognise you're are probably all lashing out over the slightest thing.
All the best OP, you sound like you are hurting .

No one else think it's odd that the in-laws went in the honeymoon while OP sat at home looking after the children...?

I want to get behind the OP here. I think you are dealing with a lot and your father has just died. I think you are having trouble expressing yourself because everything is still raw and you feel incredibly hurt on top of the fact that you are grieving. In no way do I think this whole thing is about sausage rolls, honeymoons and someone else's Mother! It sounds to me as though your Sons have been taking you for granted for way too long and this came to a head in a silly row about nowt. I think that THEY could make some allowances for your emotions at this time and take some bloody responsibility for themselves.
And, I really hate the N word (narcissist) it is bandied around way too much these days, it seems like a new insult that certain people use to be incredibly hurtful and mean. There are words that could be applied to these people too that have origins in the Mental Health field. Tbh, OP, I would take a step back from the whole lot of them, take your generosity too. Have a rest, go to your other sons wedding if you want, or not, it's up to you and stop picking up for adults who are old enough to pick up for themselves. Leave them to it, you do you. Have a great life.

I've found being a mil can be tricky. Best bet is to get on with the dil and her mum. Your son will have to take their side from now on - regardless of what you think is right.

It was your choice to make the sausage rolls, and by the sound of it, you'd been stewing over a few things for a while.

You sound jealous of the mother and that is absolutely pointless. Threatening to not go to the first wedding is why you aren't being involved in the next one.

Maybe lay off the alcohol at the next wedding?

As the mother of the groom, you do more then enough. He is a grown adult that should show you some respect. It is very easy to write a check. It takes so much love to put the wedding together. Your son is ungrateful and you'll forgive him - like most parents. That said, do yourself a favor and never let him or anyone else forget by never offering your precious time, love or money to any of the ungrateful aholes. Be the guest. Enjoy the food. When it's over, go home and rest. You raised your children, you owe nothing more.

He was eating the things I was cooking and I had asked him not to. Then I said: "I am working hard here.. what has your mother in law done”

Presumably you were catering for a fair number of guests? How much could he have eaten that was really going to affect things? Would even be person had gone without because he had a few items? In which case, likely under-catered from the outset.

Probably should have saved the angst and got the Morrison’s platters so hotly debated on the other wedding thread🤣🤣🤣

@aiders Firstly, sorry for your loss. 6 months is incredibly soon and a big family wedding must have been daunting and really tough without your late DH.
If the behaviour you describe is out of character then reach out to your son, explain and make amends.

If its a pattern then you need to really reflect on how you treat people.

I could have written this story about my own mother. Offers to do things and in exchange wants to control things and be center of attention. Becomes the victim to guilt trip everyone to feel sorry for her so she will get attention. Its always everyone else's fault and she's the victim everyone should rally round. The 'perpetrator' should be ganged up on by anyone who wants to show they care about her.
I have studied her behaviour carefully so that I can break the cycle.
You sound like a narcissist I'm afraid OP. I'd strongly recommend reflecting and really listening to others perspective.

"I tried to ruin my sons wedding but its all everyone's fault because they accepted the help I offered" is what I'm reading.

Becoming part of my husbands more functional family has really exposed how poor her behaviour has always been. DH has made me realise my feelings and needs matter. Having responsibility for my own family's wellbeing has made me better at having boundaries with her to protectus all. I suspect your kids are making their own lives and want to break the cycle if this is something that happens a lot.

I suspect your sons been welcomed into a family and marriage that's made him realise he shouldn't be putting up with behaviour like thus.

Families - who'd have them??!!

It's their wedding let them get on with it. You need to sit back and just be a guest. The wedding where you went "all out" to do things did not work out for you, so learn from previous experience.
If you can sit down with both sons and wives (as individual couples) you could try apologising for any disparaging comments you made. It's no good being a martyr - that will just fuel your resentment and the rifts will be harder to repair.
You were dealing with the recent death of your father and the resulting grief and legalities - that could be the basis on which to build your apology.

The fact your Father died 6 months before this wedding and you done all the preparing your son is a disgrace.

I'd take a massive step back from them all OP.

Your son has shown he respects the new inlaws more as they gave some money to him.

Like most people, I think YABVU here.

I mean, you wrote the information , presumably from your perspective, and you still come out of all this very badly.
On some threads I think 'Hmm, it would be interesting to hear the other side of this story / another version of events' but you come out in a very bad light even when you have written what happened.

I sometimes wonder how anyone dares to have a big wedding, they can go so horribly wrong.
I can see why you were hurt, OP, that you did most of the hard work leading up to the wedding while the bride's parents got to take them on a lovely holiday (honeymoon) afterwards and spend quality time with them while you babysat. Even when you were doing the final prep, your son stood around eating what you were preparing as though he didn't appreciate your effort. It is maddening. I really get it.
This kind of angry resentment so easily comes out at weddings, and the effects can last for years, even though each couple only has one wedding amidst decades of living daily life as part of an extended family. The daily life is what really matters. Your other son who's now getting married is being careful that you don't work yourself ragged organising his wedding, and that's good. The bride and groom will invite whoever they want, and they want you there, and that's good too. I'd suggest setting aside the past anger and hurt with other extended family members, turning up at the wedding ready to enjoy it as much as you possibly can, smile or nod to everyone even if they are not your favourite person, and accept that feelings run high at these times. Life after that special day is much more important.

Why were you so offended that he said his MIL was paying for honeymoon that you threatened not to go to the wedding?

From your update your son & dil sound incredibly grabby.
Why on earth didn’t they pay for their own wedding?
They sound rude and entitled especially since they expected others to pay for the baby shower and engagement party.
I think if you are old enough to have a child then you are old enough to pay your own way.

Well it sounds to me as though the DiL is a bit if a madam. Her own mother lets her down and doesn’t pay for things even when she offered, but is included on the honeymoon?? DiL should be falling over herself with gratitude that you stepped up, and your DS needs a good smack.

I think you are a bit over involved and probably very spontaneous by nature. Take a step back, breathe, and enjoy not having to work for the next wedding. Be a gracious guest, stay calm and don't pester your children about coming to see you. If they feel guilted into coming it's not going to be enjoyable for anyone. Tell them that you love them and that you miss them without guilt tripping vibes (fill your voice with love rather than sadness). Then wait for them to come to you.

Oh I love a good wedding thread.

OP I'm still not clear. Did the bride force you to buy things? Why did you get upset with DS? Why was everyone going on the honeymoon but you? Was it just your GC you were watching or all your new IL's kids?

The common denominator here is you.. Everyone is wrong and your right? You gave your vision of events but they are clearly altered from your pov. I'm sorry but someone impartial here you sound bitter and jealous of bride 1s mother. The catty comment then the behaviour at the wedding. You then badmouthed them to your other son and missus. I'm not suprised they want some distance when it comes to their wedding you made an awful scene and likely spoilt their day.

OP...you don't need all the speech marks, they make your posts very difficult to follow.

The word 'brought' means 'to bring' (the 'r' will remind you if you forget).

The word you need is 'bought' which means 'to buy'. You 'bought' lots of things for the wedding, using your own money.