Weddings.

At least you won't be babysitting anymore during honeymoons (ever). Go to the next wedding but don't pay for a thing or lift a finger to help.

I am so sorry, that sounds like you had a lot to handle and emotions running high late at night under influence started a negative path.

Yes nothing will end well slating off a child especially to another (bonds and affiliations change quickly).

MiL sounds a bit BrideZilla+, however someone like that eventually there will likely be an arguement.

it’s really hard, but try to keep emotions and views in check, and sound to a close personal friend not related in anyway. Currently you’ve no idea what and how was said on their honeymoon.

from here, act and sound positive and refrain from offering too much help. Just attend and enjoy and I wish you a lot of luck.

I read these "in-law" threads and shake my head because I had a very difficult mother in law once... and I swore I would never be that person to my daughter in law. I admit she makes it very easy to be a good MIL because she is lovely.. but even if she was difficult, I would never have dreamed of doing anything but "sucking it up" on their wedding day. That day cannot be rewound and repaired.(Also, you daughter in law did nothing to cause that pre-wedding ruckus).

You are the older, wiser one here. Make every effort to be nice. I fear there are things that cannot be undone in this situation but you can do your very best to improve relationships for the future. And that's all you can do really.

Quite. The fact this is your version of events is even more damning, given you will have put a positive spin on your actions here and it still sounds absolutely bloody awful!

Not brought again

😬

So the night before your son's wedding you had too much to drink and got into an argument with him, then said you're not attending the wedding and only relented at the last minute, and then later slagged him off to his brother. None of these are acts of a loving mother. I wouldn't want to talk to you, either.

It seems to me that if things don't work out the you want them to work out, it is a slite upon you. You are playing the victim, you've been devisive, and people have reacted. Maybe it's the loss you've experienced or maybe you have always been the way you are. Either way you haven't been very nice.

I get your feelings were hurt and I think the sausage rolls were probably the straw that broke the camels back. Often mothers of boys do feel left out you only have to see the threads on here the jokes about the mother in law for men has shifted and mothers of boys seem to be the problem.
I personally think we often feel neglected by our sons and try to do stuff for them to integrate into their lives. We can't just rock up to go for coffee or just chat on the phone so we do stuff. (Like you have done) helping out to be a part of things then feeling bitter as the brides parents are just involved as part of the deal. I too would feel a bit jealous if I was left looking after the kids whilst my son went with the in laws. Perhaps write a letter of apology and explain why you was so upset. The brides mother didn't do anything wrong you was just upset by the situation. But you do have to apologise I think.

OP. Grow up. Shut up. Go to the wedding and smile.

You sound like my (otherwise lovely) mum. She runs herself ragged doing everything for everyone. She insists on making things perfect, even at my own wedding, but then has a massive breakdown because she's doing all the hard work, she's utterly exhausted and unappreciated. She can't seem to say no but has ruined many occasions with her breakdowns. She also questioned why my in laws were so shit at organizing my wedding! Even though I had warned them they were shite!

She can't help herself. So now I pre-empt it and don't give her the chance. I didn't let her visit me for the first 2 weeks with my newborn. I didn't have a wedding with my now DH. We don't go to hers for Christmas, she comes to ours so she just has to be a guest. I know she's sad she's not more involved. I love her dearly but I have my own life to live and celebrations to enjoy

You were mad to pick a fight with your son on the night before his wedding by making comments about his future MIL, mad to threaten not to attend the wedding over it and mad to complain about the situation to your other son. All of these things escalated a tiny spat into a massive drama.

I would honestly just do what you can to apologise and move on, leaving it in the past. Everyone seems to have behaved badly, so instead of trying to decide exactly who should apologise or take the blame just try to make peace with your family and let the drama go.

From your post it very much sounds like you’ve been the problem op sorry to say. Your son and dil can’t control how her family behave but it sounds as though you’ve maybe punished them for it? Nowhere in your post does it sound like your son was ungrateful until you started mouthing off about the in laws.

That’s a very kind post, @Hididi11 🙂

And yeau so her son should be more grateful and even so I find it bizarre the brides mother would tag along on a honeymoon???

Ok
First of all, you were going through hugely stressful time with just losing your father.
So your emotions are at a all time high.
It's natural at this time to seek help and warmth from family.
You by the way went out of your way with your actions for your son's wedding.
And your friend sounds amazing for advising you to attend the wedding. You did the right thing by attending.

My honest advice.
When you are hurt, never sound of to people who know the other party. As it is often emotions talking.
Had it been your friend that you sounded off to, she may have helped comfort you and would never have told the other party.
Your daughter In law had no right sharing this info with your other son and daughter In law.

In future, if you need to vent, speak to a non related friend for help.

Sorry about your situation.

Please look after yourself. You are important.

Do you think you might accidentally be a little controlling? I have a friend who does all the things you did and then wonders why people are not appreciative. It is normally the brides mum who is mainly involved and yes, the grooms mum is often more of a guest ( I liked that).
Perhaps people feel that the the mil was badly treated by you because you wanted to be in the spotlight? Maybe the second dil is trying to make up for this? Maybe she just likes the matron of honours mum. There are plenty of reasons but you saying you were not going to attend does sound like the action of a controller. Calling your son’s mother in law “that woman” is atrocious, no wonder your sons find you difficult. I think you need to reign in and go as asked, enjoy the day, be lovely to everyone otherwise you risk losing a close relationship with your sons and their wives.

Really? You seem to be hyper focused on who's more important in a wedding and prepared to wreck your relationship with a son (and new daughter in-law) over relatively minor things. Weddings are about celebrating two people and their love. It's about two families coming together and supporting them on the first steps of building a strong bond and potentially a future family of their own.
It's not the time to undermine the budding inter family ties and being a proud mother of the bride or being mistaken about where her phone was, isn't the strongest reason to slag her off. You needed to address your issues with your son himself regarding eating the food and him not seeming to be grateful for the preparation and paying for things.
You said that alcohol was involved, that's going to be a contributing factor, as is stress of the wedding. So neither of you were in the right headspace. Threatening to boycott the wedding was very emotionally manipulative and way over the top.
Next time you feel like "throwing the baby out with the bathwater", remember what you are risking. A loving and supportive relationship with your son and his wife as well as with any future grandchildren. Think back to the days when he was young and you got through the difficult times, the nights when you sat up with him when he was sick. Or when you went to school plays or awards and we're so proud of him. Think about how difficult it will be to be out of contact with one son but expect your other one to have a close relationship with you still. Not even mentioning how awful it will be for the second son to be piggy in the middle between the two of you. Then consider how important it was that your son ate a bit of the food you were making for the wedding against your wishes.

As far as the bride's mum knows, you threatened to cause a massive upset by not turning up to the wedding. Her daughter will have been very upset, not just for herself but seeing the person who she loves being upset. In the same way that you vented your feelings to your second son, the bride would most likely have turned to her mum for support. To the bride and her family, it would have felt like you were punishing her, when she didn't do anything to deserve it.
So it's likely that the feeling of being "a leper" may have been related to the fall out of that.

Apologising for the way something affects someone else, isn't invalidating your feelings you had. It's understandable that you felt unappreciated and probably still do. However you could have handled it better than you did and in a way, at a time more suitable. That's what you need to apologise for, not for being upset.

Are you really surprised that your next son, doesn't want anything like that to happen again!

This ^ Why did you kick off whilst you were making the sausage rolls? If my son told me his MIL was paying for a honeymoon I’d have said “oooo very nice”.

Bought*

Adults with kids get parents to pay for & organise everything.

Baffling.

Perhaps more baffling is that the parents did it!

I would suggest maybe talking to someone about how you feel. It sounds like you are not very good at dealing with stress and could do with some one on one time getting yourself feeling better so you don't take your feelings out on other people. It may help to have a sounding board that isn't family too, so you can speak in confidence without it being reported back.

It seems fron reading that you had a lot of dislike for DIL’s mum before any of this happened, so it comes across a bit biased. In the argument with your son there wasn’t really any reason to say “I’m working hard here whats your mother in law done”, it almost seems irrelevant to the issue of him eating the food you’d made and asked him not to, essentially like you were trying to bring her into it, so I can see why he’d potentially get his back up a bit over it. Not saying that he of course shouldn’t have been eating the food you were working hard to make and definitely should have been more grateful, he was in the wrong in that aspect, but you do seem to have a bit of a vendetta against the MIL.

Again I can see why you’d be getting a bit annoyed at her acting like the days all about her, but again if the bride didn’t care then you probably shouldn’t have and I definitely think ‘sounding off’ to other wedding guests was a terrible idea, especially if the sons partner was the DIL’s MOH, of course she’s going to tell her the things you said about her mum. This should have been something you spoke to your son of ranted about very privately, not at a wedding reception.

Did they all have to beg you to go to the wedding? Sounds like you had to take the attention away from everyone and bring it back to you

You need to learn to keep your mouth firmly shut. Clearly you are hurt nevertheless, least said soon as mended.

“What has your mother in law done?” - It sounds like you have had the issue with the in-laws since before the wedding. I’m guessing there is a backstory to this that hasn’t been included.