To go off sick the rest of the year and then resign?

It really sounds as if your DCs need at least one and possibly two extra days per week at nursery. That gives a childfree day (or two) each week for you to rest and recover (at first) and then for housework. And some time when you're not working and don't have a needy child glued to you.

I want to enjoy them and enjoy the time we have together. A big source of stress is both of them together

But you're not enjoying them. You're tired, stressed and miserable. You can put them in nursery for an extra day or two now, and then reduce again when DC1 starts school. Or when you feel more on top of things.

You might need to reconsider the nursery location. How are you going to get one DC to school and the other to nursery? It may not be such a bad idea to move to a nursery that's more local, either now or next year.

things like moving house and changing childcare isn’t like changing your toothpaste or washing powder, they are big decisions.

They are but so is giving up work.

Don't try to make everything ideal. Instead it just needs to be a bit less shit than it is.

Ahhhh yes you're a single parent so everyone else's struggles are irrelevant!!!!!! Ofc!!!!!!

I might be able to help as I'm going through something similar ISH. and have been working on this very thing. My advice to to make life as easy as possible to create time in the day.
Things I have done that have made a difference is:
done a 4 week food rota on excel with dinners, lunches and shopping lists. My DH orders it every week from the list and i now don't have to think about food at all. It's just there with a recipe.
Use a slow cooker, whack everything in first thing and forget about It.
Hire a cleaner if you can afford it. mine comes once every two weeks and does a big clean. I then keep on top of this using the organised mum method around this. Includes 1 load of laundry a day etc..delegate tasks to you DH as his tasks. Mine just wipes down the bathroom daily,.does the bins, feeds cats etc.
Organise the night before, get all clothes out, shoes, breakfast items etc..

Once you get into the swing of it, time becomes available. I went to soft play with my little one today instead of trying to clean the house and get the shopping in. Now he is knackered, napping and I am on the sofa on Mumsnet.

Hope this helps !!

But you clearly are not 'enjoying them'.....
Get trades in to sort the DIY stuff
Accept bare minimum of cleaning

YOu haven't described what happens on weekend or when you get home on the day DH is WFH

@sometimesiwantto

I know exactly how you feel and am thinking / planning to do the same.

You sound completely burnt out and stressed. That is how I am too. I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago and have been prescribed medication. It will take a few more weeks for them to take effect.

But as of right now if I am not feeling better in about 2 weeks time I plan to go back to the doctor to ask to be signed off until January.

I hope that a decent period of time away from work will give me the chance to get myself rested and straightened up.

Sending you sympathy and complete understanding.

In that case I would make a doctors appointment and explain that you are highly stressed. You can self certify for a week but then will need a doctors note to be off work with stress. You could be off with stress until the end of April.

Radical thought: why don’t you go full time. Tell your DH you are now equal stakeholders, he will need to rearrange his working week to accommodate his share of school runs and holidays. The extra money may buy you chance to pay people to clean and do DIY. Maybe the stress factor is extra time with your kids. If you’re in the office or travelling to work, you’ll have some peace and quiet a few days per week.

Get a weekly cleaner to do the vacuum and bathrooms and kitchen and bed sheets it makes such a difference

It's hard. I have one toddler child but no husband and also work three days a week
I felt bad that I couldn't get anything done and then my friend who is a sahm told me she is also putting her toddler into nursery (he rothers are at school) for three days just to get the home stuff done and that made me feel better - even mums without any job at all find it all hard to keep on top of!

Oh and your husband can do the same

Ignore the people telling you that you aren't sick. Mental health is a valid reason for sick leave. Go see your GP and ask for a few weeks sick note to get better. Quitting your job won't improve your situation but taking the time off to avoid a breakdown certainly will. Once the stress fog lifts you'll be able to come up with reasonable, practical solutions that work for your family.

I read it all now, OP.
Life is hard.
People who are perhaps a bit harsh about you wanting to go sick and finding time on MN are called dickheads. 😐
Very briefly - two solutions, and I'm definitely not revelling in it.
Toughen up or get divorced.
Otherwise, very little will change for you in the short run.

Take unpaid parental leave....you are allowed up to 8 weeks a year.....and sort some stuff out.

@sometimesiwantto
he isn’t getting angry or anything, just a bit indignant and then the sniping and blame starts, it really is pointless. Talking to him massively exacerbates stress.

Deliberately or not, he’s being manipulative. It’s up to you to ‘force’ the convo or you’ll be stuck

OP, it sounds like you have depression, most likely caused by your current home situation and not work. You need to speak to your GP to let them know how you feel and you need to speak to your husband too and get him to step up.

You might have delayed PPD, mine didn't kick in until DD was 10mo, and lasted until she was 3.

I was trying to juggle a twat husband who worked rotating 3 shift pattern(now exH) and two kids with autism/adhd plus my own job, and honestly, i ended up being signed off with stress/anxiety for about a month after i just couldn't cope.

What helped me was that time off, and taking time during it to try and re-arrange shit at home.

Your H is a problem, being a married single mom with a 3rd adult child is not fucking fun, and if you can't/won't tackle him and won't leave, you have to just cut him and his shit out of your equation and work around him like he doesn't exist.

I used to make the kids help me tidy up twice a day, once before lunch, and once before bed, otherwise i ignored the toys. Toys were all in once place, in my case the living room, they didn't have any upstairs.
I set up a housework schedule for myself so designated a job to a particular day. Some jobs do not need doing as often as people thing.
Vaccuuming, laundry and general tidying are the ones to do daily/every other day depending on demand, cleaning the bathroom weekly, and the rest either bi-weekly or monthly as you see fit.

You can't carry on like this, you have to find places to make your life easier, even if it means cutting corners or living in a slightly messier home than you'd like for a bit until your oldest goes to school!

Wow some of the replies on here are bloody awful to someone who's already feeling shit and overwhelmed!

OP. I remember those days well. Traumatising!

Get your GP to sign you off for two weeks. This will give you chance to rest and recoup and re think your routines,

DH needs to step up, even if he's home late he can still do some household chores, he can help get the children up and ready in the morningsmaybe he needs to be speaking to his employer about being more flexible? Is that possible? As previous posters suggested. Maybe his WFH day could be a day you're at work. He really needs to step up a bit tbh

Also. Lower your standards. Olose the door on the big washing piles. Or other mess. It'll still be there tomorrow!

Mine are teenagers now and sometimes my house goes to shit, in fact today for the first time I've managed to DO some housework because I've been at work doing a ridiculous shift pattern. And if I'm honest I only did it because I have the builder coming this evening to fix a leak in the bathroom, else I would have sat on the sofa and watched crap tv today!

Be kind to yourself!

That's a good point. It sounds like he's your biggest problem. Becoming even more dependent on him seems unwise.

Further response because on reflection I think I was a bit harsh first time around.
Sorry it's so hard. I remember it well, even 25 years on. Constantly rushing, panicking, getting on to the next job. Firefighting endlessly.
These strategies may or may not help.
Lower your standards with home cleanliness. Be selective about the bits that need frequent hoovering or cleaning. You could focus on, say, making your lounge or bedroom tidy and clean so you have a haven for you in the evening.
Get as much help as you can. Someone offers, say yes.
Consider a nanny or childminder or home help instead of or in addition to nursery. Maybe at the pinch points of the day - getting kids up and getting them to bed. That extra pair of hands will make all the difference.
Talk to your employer about how you're feeling. There may be tweaks to your working day that will help.
If you feel like crying then cry. It's a good release. Pamper yourself whenever you can - a posh foot or hand cream, half an hour in the bath, a solitary walk.
Sending a virtual hug.

Your main problem is that your husband is unsupportive and you are exhausted and resentful. I was married to someone similar and waited until my DC were school age to divorce him. My life became easier and less stressful without him and I’m guessing, unless your DH steps up a bit, your marriage won’t survive.

How is becoming totally financially dependant on your (crap) husband going to help matters? I’d be going back full time instead!

Nothing wrong with you at all!!!
honestly it is just hard.
i have lots of empathy and little practical advice.

I have one child, age 2, and I work 3 days a week. I find it hard !! It’s hard to balance. Hard to stop thinking about work on days ‘off’. Hard to find time to do housework with a small person underfoot.

i also have given up having discussions with my husband. He basically says ‘ I have no time either, I can’t do anymore’. And I’ve had lots of firm discussions about how my days ‘odd’ with toddler are NOT a holiday. To be honest on that one the best way to get the message home is leaving the husband with child alone for half a day at the weekend. Then suddenly it’s so hard!

one thing I will say: I find validation that others find it hard is helpful. But someone said to me - if you find it hard, then it is hard. Ie you can validate yourself too.
we are all different. Just because someone has 3 children works full time and thinks it’s easy, doesn’t mean we have to.

only practical suggestion I have is: think ahead for when your eldest starts school. Can your husband do drop off? So you don’t end up doing nursery AND school run!! As you said, now you’re embedded in your current set up, and that happens to many of us.
but plan ahead if you can

I was thinking this.
My husband and I both work well over an hour from home/our girls school. As far as possible, we try to make sure one of us is wfh on each day so can respond quickly if the girls are unwell, it's also quieter for wfh if it's on a day children are in nursery.

I’m so glad I didn’t consult Mumsnet before I had a break from work due to stress.

Newsflash, dickheads - to be affected by things differently is not a weakness. You are not better than anyone else just because you raised 8 kids on your own while living in a mud hut.

OP - talk to your GP. Perhaps you need a break to try and prevent burnout. Talk to your husband. What solutions can be suggest? Let yourself breathe and rest before you make any big decisions.

Quite.
The good quality ones are so rare.
Sad.