To go off sick the rest of the year and then resign?

Hello. You sound like you are at the end of your tether and I’m sorry that you are feeling so low and exhausted by everything. Just to offer some thoughts. When my DD was younger I found things very hard for a range of reasons and was resentful of my DH at times but I came to realise that this was because our day to day experience was very different and it was difficult to connect as we were both stressed and exhausted for different reasons. The thing that helped, which I know is easier says than done, was to talk more, empathise with what the other was experiencing and try to support in little practical ways. And also working out time when we each get a break, when we spend time together etc. It made us feel more like a team and more understood and valued. I am not trying to say things are perfect but they are much much better. Also, I don’t know how your sleep is but to try get some days of interrupted sleep as that is a killer for me. Would it be worth speaking to your GP? Do you have any family who can help a little? You are stretched and need time to recharge. I can see you are desperate as you are thinking about ultimately resigning from your job. But this could bring further stress and anxiety and maybe now is not the right time to be making this kind of decision. I think when the kids are at this age, housework and DIY stuff tend to take a bit of a back seat so you can focus on other things. If the house is super clean but you are crying then the trade off is not a good one. Just need house stuff to be generally ok. You are doing a great job and things will get easier. Best wishes

By all means go to the GP and talk through why you are finding this so hard but I wouldn't be going off with stress.

You need to time manage better, if you are off work twice a week get the household chores done then, batch cook or get the slow cooker on so you ease the evening tasks.

If you leave work you'll have less money, why not use some of that income you have now which must be excess if you can afford to resign to buy in help and get a cleaner for a few hours a week if housework is the problem. Use the money and get a handy man round to complete the DIY.

What about the evening 'shift' do you find difficult? Can you rearrange the routine to make it easier. Dinner straight on getting home. Bath and PJs on if not going out. Then quiet play and reading until bed.

Maybe look for some more practical solutions, to get you over this tricky period. rather shafting your employer who doesn't seem to be in any way responsible for any of your stress. Have you any AL leave left? or could you just take a week or so holidays, unpaid if necessary - to get you some breathing space , send the kids to nursery as usually and you'd have 3 days to sort things out at home at your own pace , maybe take a day out to get your hair done meet a friend for lunch, sounds like you just need to recharge.
As you seem to be able to just walk away from working, then it seems to me you should have disposable income that you could actually use to help you, hire a cleaner or , book a babysitter for one evening a week and one weekend day , so so you can focus on home stuff , even if you are broke this period wont last , in a short few years the kids will both be in school, and if spending your wage on what helps get you get through this i think you need to. I'm not sure what the actual stress is, nursery drop , collecting, tea etc all seem normal to me and only after kids in bed can you think of tidy up, maybe your dh and you need to work on a practical parent tag team - as soon as he gets in door the two of you do separate tasks so you can then eat together de-stress with kids in bed. Your DH needs equally to look at how he will sort the DIY tasks maybe he too needs to take a couple of days off.

See - some people do think like this and that is why productivity is reducing because your colleagues are covering for you because you are 'off sick'.

If I am going to be harsh I will say that you havent thought about how you were going to manage your life with two children and a partner who seems to leave it all to you.

Having said that I am often shocked by people who dont seem to be able to manage anything that well, always turning up late, easily distracted by other tasks and not really listening to any solutions. I have a relative like this. Retired early, no children and yet when they had to help with an elderly relative they were hopeless. Half did something and then just got distracted and went off to do something else. In the end I did it because it needed completing.

I don't understand why you can't do any housework because you work 3 days a week.

You need to sit with your DH and explain how you feel. It's not surprising, with two small ones.

Resigning will probably make you more stressed. Work, IME, even hard work, is less stressful than spending 24/7 with two pre-schoolers. Your house will also be far more messy with you all in the house all the time.

Can one of you take the children every Saturday so the other can get chores down around the house and then you can enjoy Sunday together?

I'm not even going to put a tin hat on when I say this...

Can your household manage on one wage?

Some parents today have so much pressure placed on them something is going to give and normally its their MH in feeling snowed under.

I totally get that your DH can't do the drop offs/collects from childcare, so many people on MN think work is 9-5, that's fine if it's WFH but they never seem to factor if it's not on your doorstep travel time is involved which can vary greatly due to many circumstances.

Although cost of living is a nightmare for some right now would you feel less stress if you gave up work and became a SAHM for now, can you yourself do any of the DIY around the house?

Surely both you and your husband would prefer and happy(ish) household rather than one where tension and arguments are always at the forefront.

Take unpaid parental leave first. You can get 4 weeks for each child per year I believe.

You could talk to your gp and perhaps get signed off for a few days to spend resting and regrouping. I agree that long term sick then resigning isn’t a good way to go but you sound very stressed and may need a short break.

YWBU to get signed off sick. You are not sick, it would be fraud.

You can resign of that would improve your lives. If you didn't have nursery fees that would help a bit but it won't be easy to get back into work once your youngest is at school. Your long term prosperity would be lower.

If you stay in work: Is your DH guilty of presenteeism at work in order to avoid home responsibilities? I bet he could arrange to go in a bit later 2 days a week and leave a bit earlier 2 days a week to take the pressure off you. Could you afford a cleaner? That could make a huge difference.

This. It can be brutal during these years but this is pretty normal.

As others have pointed out your DH should be doing more so you need to have that conversation.

But getting signed off sick and then leaving is a terrible idea. It will damage your employment record and being long term unemployed with two small children and less money will not make your life less stressful.

Leaving work put a nail in our marriage (aside from another issue). He’s so bitter that I get to be at home and I’ve only started to get it. We should have figured it all out better.

After not actually getting a job I was supposed to start a few months ago fall through am starting a new job in the next few weeks and getting ducks in a row but I can pretty much say if I hadn’t left work (and I was where you were, we were fighting, we’ve 4 kids and childcare left falling through so we were both in trouble with managers, on three occasions I left 13yo home alone sick for a few hours, horrible horrible stuff!) we’d be the team we used to be. Talk to him and make sure you both agree on something and breathe and look at every avenue objectively.

But he does WFH one day a week already - says so in the OP

Part time work is hard!! I get it, I resigned last year as I wasn’t coping either at home or at work. Also with part time, my salary was just paying for nursery fees. Every time my dc was off sick l, my employer hated it. I was doing unpaid overtime just to keep head above water. The day off with my dc we were both tired and cranky.

I still work part time but have taken multiple smaller part time roles and reduced nursery days to save money so it is possible to find more of a balance. I still have very little at the end of the month but i have another year to get through before school starts and not having to pay nursery- even part time is so pricey!

for me resigning was the first step. Once I had done this it was like a weight had lifted. Can you talk to your employer about negotiating an earlier exit? 6 months seems like a long time! Often long exits don’t work for employers either so they may be amenable to this.

I see you - your set up is similar to mine and it’s A LOT. I don’t think you should resign, but if you are feeling overwhelmed and this is impacting your work and home life it’s ok to take a bit of time off.
If you can’t do your job in 3 days, can you do
it in 4 days instead? Or you need to look at a different role or asking for some additional resource to help.
It’s tough for your husband too, he’s got a lot on his plate. But I think asking for him to agree one day a week with a late start/ early finish so he can do nursery run is a reasonable request - after-all on the 3 days you work you both have to jointly balance kids and job.
As others have said, you need to get a cleaner, get someone round to do the DIY (taskrabbit and your local Facebook groups are great for finding local people). You and your husband can take a day off when the kids are in nursery and blitz the DIY to do list, not glam or how you want to spend your leave but it’s the reality of the situation because you are so time poor and knackered. I know this!!
Resigning your job is a huge move. Taking control of some smaller elements is much less dramatic and can help give you some control.

You say that you don’t have a reduced workload. It is a common problem that part time workers still end up working almost full time. I would push back on your employer if you think your workload isn’t appropriate for the number of days that you do.
At home you need to push for your DH to do more. I was in your situation and eventually my DH left. I kept ‘nagging’ (in his words, nothing ever changed, our relationship got worse and worse as I didn’t have time or energy to invest in it.

Precisely!!!

@Attelina if she's looking after 2 under 5s on her days off, it's not really free time!

WFH is just not that simple for a lot of people - not all jobs can be done from home.

It sounds like he's out for 12 hours plus per day - I mean, that doesn't mean he can't help before or after he gets back. But WFH is just not an option for a lot of people.

As for the OP, I'd say a teacher missed the deadline to resign and is now looking for a way out.

God help one day when some people commenting on here might feel stressed and depressed and unsure what to do with themselves. Just wow.

5 months notice period is ridiculous. Are you sure it's not 3 months?

You haven't answered questions about how you would cope financially without your input.

I would get DH to WFH on one of your working days so he is doing at least one drop off and pick up day. He should also sort food that day. Also get him to do pick up on at least one other day.

This is the eye of the storm age wise. It does get easier when they start school, although then you do need to balance after school clubs/childminders.

Is there any scope for you working from home?

Also forgot DIY for now.

You only work three days a week! What are you doing the rest of the time?

It sounds like poor time management if you can't keep on top of your home and domestic duties in four days!

Making your employer pay for you and your husband's inability to manage your home life is taking the piss.

Thought for a moment this was going to be about the Equal Pay day at the end of the month.

Sorry things are so tough right now OP :( Someone described the stage you're in as 'the trenches' when I was at the same point. It's tough. Sending strength and hope you're able to find more balance soon!