Or is my husband - doesn't want sex unless stop cosleeping with DC

Another cosleeping family here. We put the little ones in their own bed to start off but they drift over to us during the night, and they are quite welcome to do so.

OP states her 3 year old won't sleep for more than a couple hours in their own bed, but I'm wondering what the adults are doing that might take more than two hours! I'd be done and dusted and back doom scrolling on Mumsnet by that time, so would consider that ample time.

Haven't read all the replies but OP I'd let the 3 year old sleep with you as long as they want to. Nothing beats a good nights sleep for you and the 3 year old. Maybe declutter the spare room ? Sleep is so important imho. I struggled with dd to force her in her own bed and it was horrible. When ds came I just said he could sleep
Where he wanted. And he didn't stay in the bed forever 🤣

Can’t you both compromise here? Sex in another room whilst you transition your child back to sleeping in their own room. Or, move the spare bed into your child’s room and try to gradually get them sleeping on their own and then you can use your own bed.

Our babies both came home from hospital and started off in their own rooms. As toddlers, they'd come into bed in the morning and pry open my eyes to read them books.

I realise this is a very unfashionable view. I nodded sympathetically when a friend told me she had to lie on the floor by the bed tiil her daughter went to sleep. I found it difficult though to believe any sane person would do this.

One slept through for a decent stretch at six weeks and the other at 8 weeks. No, we didn't leave them screaming for hours. I can't comprehend why parents aren't focused on getting children trained to self-settle because they are going to have to learn at some point so why not earlier. I never fed or rocked to sleep because you just train a baby that that is how you get to sleep and when they wake up in the dark they are frightened because one moment they were with mum and the next thing they know is she's gone. OP has spent three years training a child that only mum can soothe her and that the child can only sleep in the parent's bed.

I'm kind of bemused about seeing the child's sweet little face. If this keeps up she might not be seeing her husband's sweet little face when she wakes up. If my spouse so obviously preferred my child's company to mine, I'd be hurt.

I wouldn't feel comfortable having sex in the same bed as our DC! At all! While it may be lovely to have DC with you, it's also beneficial for them to have their own bed and learn to settle. X

Husband is being completely inflexible. If having sex is the more important thing he should be able to compromise on the location not being his favourite.

Especially when there is in fact another bed available 24/7.

And especially if the preferred location comes at the expense of his partner and child.

All of this "rod for your own back" stuff is bollocks. Co-sleeping has lots of benefits.

Your husband can deal with having sex in a slightly different location for a bit to accommodate something that makes your life easier. You literally birthed his child,

I think this thread got side tracked by people misreading it as you wanting sex in bed with your child present. But I am still a little mindblown at how many people are against co sleeping when it leads to a better nights sleep for both you and your child.
My partner is away in the week and my 7yr old (who has ADHD) gets in with me pretty much every single night (in the middle of the night). He gets comfort, I don't even wake up, win-win. My 5yr old sometimes get in in the night or if not gets in with us when she wakes up early in the morning.
Sometimes being sandwiched between the two is less of a restful night sleep for me. Ha. But we brought a double bed for my daughter, so i just get out and get in her bed! They also go to sleep together in her room (can't remember the last time my son's room was used for anything other than to pile clean clothes. Lol
I know grownups that hate sleeping alone so why should little kids, they won't want to do it forever.

Is it an option for a double bed in your son's room, so you can have the rule he can get in your bed, but he can call you to come get in with him if he wakes in the night? That way you and your husband can get time alone in your bed, but you and your son can also get good nights sleep.

OP, I feel you, we started co-sleeping with my (now 5yr) DS when he was 3.5 when he was very ill. He starts off in his own bed though, and moves into our bed half-way through the night (probably 4 out of 7 nights). Difference is - my DH loves it more than me! Can you try training your little one to fall asleep in his own bed, but to come through to yours if he's scared/needs comfort? This means you can still have time with your DH.
Completely understand that you'll do anything not to be sleep deprived!
Please don't listen too anyone droning on about lack of independence/making a rod for your own back - absolute nonsense, they're only little for a short while, and you may regret it when you're older, if you don't co-sleep.

Going against most of PPs here.
We co-sleep with our nearly 3yo and a 1yo. We love the closeness with them and it’s the only way we get the most sleep. They will learn to sleep on their own when they are ready, grown adults aren’t still sleep in their parents’ bed are they?

And we have the plenty of sex, elsewhere in the house.

Yeah sometimes it’s a little “scheduled” but whatever we laugh it off because we know that if sex is important to us we have to make it work. Appreciate sex and how it’s initiated is extremely personal but refusing it anywhere except the bedroom seems prudish. If he’s insisting the child sleeps elsewhere then yes he should absolutely be helping with the wake ups.

YABU. Come on, you think this is reasonable?!!
Get the kid in his own bed and sleep with your husband in yours!

Girl, I'm so single, I'm not gonna be dating for a while 😄😄

But yeah, it needs to be sorted, its on the list for next year 🥺. No regrets though, I rocked her to sleep as long as I could as I'm one and done - I wanted the closeness

Edited to add - I didn't expect it to last for this long though. It's top priority for sorting

Just wait until you get a partner. You've made a rod for your own back, your kid won't be going anywhere and your new partner won't put up with that.

I actually don’t agree with your husband. From what I can tell, OP is not saying they are having sex in the same room, just to be clear, I don’t agree with that.

We are cosleeping with our almost one year old and will happily cosleep until he is 3. There is lots of research about the benefits of cosleeping for both mum and child. I know plenty of children who have settled in their own beds when they are ready and long before age 10! We get creative, have fun thinking of new ways and places to have sex. You’ll have the marital bed back in time and have the rest of your lives to have sex in it. In the meantime, surely your DH can think outside the box a bit! YANBU

It's called the marital bed for a reason and you share it with your husband instead of having your own beds for a reason. I've never had this problem and I've raised 8 babies. They were always beside me in their crib and I always put them down after a feed and they've always known that. Never cried or complained, just sometimes would fall asleep on me and then placed down and that was that. An almost 3 year old in the bed would cause a lot of disturbance for your husband. If it doesn't disturb you also then that's great but it is disturbing him and a 3 year old needs to be in their own bed. If you're going back and forth all night, you haven't made him feel like he's safe enough to be alone. So you'd have to take it back to basics as he's not a tiny baby anymore.
I'd suggest sleeping beside him in his bed the first night and then camp on the floor beside him the second and move a bit closer to the door each night and then eventually into your own room. Tedious but it means in a week or even sooner if it works well, you could have little one sleeping in his own bed.
It's nice to cuddle up with them but you can do that in the day time. A marriage needs privacy and intimate moments. Plus both parents need and deserve a good night's sleep.

Don't quite understand why your husband has threatened no sex whilst co-sleeping then.

YABU

I’m guessing lots of people on this post haven’t experienced a child that doesn’t sleep. Lucky them. I was so against co sleeping but have done it for the last 6 months as I actually get sleep and I couldn’t function being up every few hours. Your sleep and sanity is important. Sounds a bit precious not to be able to have sex anywhere else in the interim. Think he is unreasonable and selfish. Maybe he can try waking up every few hours.

Who would even want to have sex with a person who a) either are can’t, won’t or doesn’t support by helping more in the day time causing the night time parent to knackered and b) has their own and their child’s biological needs and urges disregarded by an adult man’s wishes to be cuddled in a particular location?! Who says his need to cosleep is more important than the child and mum’s need to cosleep?

I know I certainly wouldn’t want to.

Compromise is needed here; all parties should have their needs met as best as possible. That does not mean sending a child to sleep alone so that a grown man doesn’t have to. But it does mean allowing all needs to be met (such as what pp have said, cosleep elsewhere, husband and intimacy in master bedroom, try sex in different locations occasionally).

I think you have two options, you and your child sleep in one of the beds and husband separate. Two put your child in a bed in their room and sleep train them or make a time when child is with grandparents and spontaneously have a morning/afternoon of sex.

My child used to start the night in their own bed and then join me at some stage during the night. Naturally stopped around 8 yrs.
I loved it. Can't understand the logic that a couple can't possibly sleep apart but little kids should be forced to from birth and in some cases made to cry themselves to sleep in the process.

I think your husband needs to take his head out of his self centred arse and realise his child is the priority not his own needs

Agree with this.

Lots of people on this thread seem to putting the husbands need for sex in the main bed above the ops needs. Why are his needs more important?

The child is only 3. Co-sleeping is very normal in other parts of the world, it’s only in the west it seems to be met with horror and silly stereotypes.

I love waking up next to my babies, it’s the best feeling in the world, they are still so little and knowing they are safe and warm next to me and dh makes us all sleep better.
They won’t want to do this forever.

People need to use there imagination more - there are lots of places to have sex other than a bed!

Also, I think the husband sounds like a bit of a big baby himself tbh.

two issues:

don’t have sex with child in the room.

coosleeping is fine.

I’m so sorry you get so many comments about cosleeping being bad and making the rod for your back.
I have soon to be 3yo and 16mo and have been cosleeping since the older was 3months. It is just so easy and nice.
i have so much more sleep than I would’ve if they slept separately.
i sleep with the kids in their room, we have a double bed with sidecared toddler beds on each side so there’s enough space for all of us. My husband sleeps in his own bedroom in the king. I never enjoyed sleeping with him. He likes to sleep with tv on, he snores lots, he hogs the duvet and also prefers super soft bed. I sleep so much better with the kids! However he never stops complaining how he doesn’t sleep well and how tired he is even though he gets some days off on his own when the kids are at the nursery and I am at work. Also I go to bed with kids around 7-8ish and he has the whole night for himself. No disturbances unless some accident happens with the kids.
but we still have sex occasionally when all the stars align and the kids are in the in the nursery, I had an early shift and he’s off.. so maybe 1-2x a month.
there are options. I would suggest you move with your little one to the spare bed and do what works for you. What is right for one person might not be for another.. so don’t worry about all the people! X

He's not going to have an affair. The only place he'll have sex is in his own bed. It would be pretty obvious 😂