Or is my husband - doesn't want sex unless stop cosleeping with DC

He's not being "dictated to". He can choose anywhere else in the house. So you think his requirement to have sex in their bed trumps her need for a night's sleep? And you're fine with him using sex as a weapon until he gets his own way? Lovely.

@adriftinadenofvipers and @Yeahyeahyes

From the OP: DH has declared that he is uncomfortable having sex when a toddler is in our bed. Understandable.

Which indicates that it was only down to him that they’re not having sex with the child in bed with them

YABU. Poor DH.

He's saying he doesn't want to be dictated to as where and when he and OP have sex. He'd like it to be spontaneous sometimes and that doesn't happen when sharing a bed with a toddler. Why does OP want to cuddle up with her toddler rather than her DH, anyway? And you have missed the point about co-sleeping, companionate marriages and the connection to women's rights - surprisingly there is a link between them.

To be fair she didn't say anything about wanting to have sex while her child was on the room, I feel frustrated for her that so many people have assumed this!

it is better for everyone to get a decent sleep, but they are doing that by cosleeping because they were NOT getting a decent sleep with separate beds.
i think they’ve both got good points. Our 2yo is in our bed, but dh moves her to her brothers bed when we want to have sex there. If I were the op however I’d just make my husband do several nights in a row of settling dc back in their bed until he had second thoughts or it worked, dads aren’t parenting dictators from high and if they want to make parenting decisions they need to bear responsibility. If he says it’s your turn you point out you’ve done just about every night wake since the child was born and it is next your turn after they have turned 4.

Nobody has ever suggested that.

Dress it up how you like. Still amounts to the same thing.

No need to make anything up. It is what it is.

You think he owes his wife having sex with their toddler also in the bed? I couldnt.

So if the wife said no condom no sex is she also blackmailing him…

or is she just saying she only wants sex with a condom.

Much like this husband only wants sex in his bed…

or are we making up sexist double standards again…

Of course he's blackmailing. He's withholding sex because she won't do as she's told.

I don't think that's very healthy in a marriage, do you?

I co slept with both my kids (they're 18 & 13 now) and I don't think you're being unreasonable because kids grow so fast & it's lovely to cherish their little snuggles! It does mean you can't just get it on before you fall asleep but it's not difficult to sneak off somewhere else when dc is asleep or have a lunch time rendezvous!

Yes very much a separate issue but absolutely essential to work through to solve the problem. He can’t demand she is sleep deprived by getting up and down all night so they can have sex in his chosen location.

I don't think the OP's DH is blackmailing her. He is saying what he prefers as to sex. You do have to adjust when you have children - no more swinging from the chandelier in close embrace whilst swigging champagne etc, sadly - but children have always fitted into the family. Many have said co-sleeping has been normal throughout history (and still happens in many countries) and this is so (I said it further up thread) but oddly, those societies where co-sleeping is still done are also frequently societies where women have few rights or opportunities and marriages are not companionate in the way that is found in e.g. the UK. We marry to be with someone we love, in this period of history (though I still think it is about joining families as it ever was) and the couple in a companionate relationship is the norm where everything is shared - howls all over MN when this is not the case btw. OP's DH does not like his toddler sleeping in his bed and interfering with the couple relationship. Where this society is, the OP is being unreasonable. Persuading her toddler to sleep mostly in their own bed will support her marriage. If she persists, as some have suggested, DH could always go and sleep elsewhere, but don't be surprised if he starts sharing a bed with someone else on occasion, rather than DW snuggled up with toddler all night.

Yes, I agree that he needs to start sharing the parenting load, day and night, but that's a separate issue to the question being asked.

The real problem is you need to get your child sleeping in their own bed ,
I started my child off with own cot bed at the end of mine , then made their room special with a cozy bed and favourite things etc
we read together in child’s room in bed etc
made it their special place , eventually my son declared he wanted to sleep in there on his own it was a right of passage not forced just gentler advance to more independence.
whilst co sleeping is lovely, there’s a point where you have to put your own relationship first, it’s better for the child
you show them they are trusted to have their own space etc.
i can’t help but feel your husband and yourself have to do some work together on your relationship going forward.
dont make this a battle ground going forward.

I think co-sleeping is/has been normal -through almost all of human history and still in most countries, so I dont think you are at all unreasonable. I am in Australia and know lots of co-sleepers, (and happily was when mine were smaller) but lots of parents here don't also and this conflict certainly occurs, maybe even less common in UK where most answers seem to be from? For a personal solution where there is disagreement I suggest maybe you set up two perfectly comfortable big beds, One for you and your son and one for you and your husband and you choose where to go at any given time? You can shag your husband in the 'marital bed' and snuggle your child in the 'family bed'. You will probably spend most of the night with your child but that it is usually the best compromise I think in this very common scenario.

YANBU

We Co sleep with DC. DC1 until he was 3 and he now has his own room it took 2 weeks for him to be 100% comfortable. And now DC2 who is a newborn will stay in our room untll at least age 2/3 depending on temperament.

Me and DH used to use the other bedroom or lounge for intimacy. No issues wne not scheduled. It was still spontaneous as we socalise after we put DC to bed.
Are you going to bed with DC? If so then that makes intimacy extremely hard.

In our culture cosleeping is super normal. Seems to be illegal according to western society. Me and DH both from Africa. Growing up DH shared his room with his parents until age 5. He had his own bed but in the same bedroom. In my family Dr in.my country cosleeping is normal. Women all sleep in onw room and men all sleep in one room. When I got back home to visit family I sleep in the same room as grandmother, Mother, aunties and cousins. And the Men it is the same. It is not abnormal. Married couples often have their own room but their children are in the same room until age 6/10 it depends.

You need to be on the same page as your DH. If he is not longer happy then compromise. And slowly transition DC to their own room.

You should absolutely prioritise your infant.

We absolutely prioritised the needs of our infants.

Three year old children are not infants.

This is absolute nonsense! I moved my children to their own rooms when it suited me, and them, and the transition was totally straightforward!

Great idea. The op and her child can sleep there.

your 3 year old should be in her own bed.

IMOP you need to go through the rough stage now to get your DC use to sleeping alone! You are making a rod for your own back it will be hell to break this otherwise! I did it with my youngest but had to be consistent with getting him use to sleeping alone in his own room & bed. You & your husband need your bed back for you two as a couple!

You are being very unreasonable!

It is entirely up to you but you have both created a situation where your child is not secure in their own bed. You now face trying to break this habit and yes it will be hard. I think you and your dh should deal with it together and deal with the resettling and night waking together so you can reclaim your bed and so your child can feel safe and comfy in his own room.