Or is my husband - doesn't want sex unless stop cosleeping with DC

@MrsSkylerWhite you are at risk of sounding woefully ignorant and old fashioned. Parents insisting that children sleep in their own beds doesn’t make them secure. The children aren’t making a choice, they are simply following rules.

Similar to the fact that cry it out doesn’t teach “self soothing”. It teaches that it’s pointless to cry as nobody is coming to rescue you. So a small baby CAN sleep through the night, but it’s certainly not because they’re thinking “I’m so secure, and there’s nothing to worry about”.

I notice you use “were” not “are” which might mean that you were parenting a while ago, and we know much more now about attachment and security between small children and their caregiver/s.

Many parents do what they believe is best, for whatever reason. Many parents follow certain guidance from the time that they’re parenting. But making sweeping statements about what’s “NORMAL” is ignorant and pointless.

Agreed.

It’s really unhealthy to never prioritise anything other than your child.

My concern would be that if a three year old genuinely “needs” their parent with them to sleep, that’s some fairly big attachment.

That’s the issue we have at home - he’s so attached, and genuinely obsessed, that he cannot settle or sleep alone. Doesn’t matter how you dress that up, it’s not healthy and doesn’t foster independence.

It’s also a lot of pressure, sometimes we’d quite like some space.

Sounds like you just need to choose between co-sleeping with your child or your marriage then, because it’s a tough job to keep a marriage going without intimacy.

BluePapillon · Today 14:03
That’s such a funny attitude. You could also ask why would a grown adult, who knows the world and is able you’d think to manage his emotional needs with perspective and compromise needing to prioritise himself over a small child who knows none of that and remove the child from its parents at night? The OP has explained the child was a poor sleeper and co sleeping has helped, it’s not forever.
It’s so funny you use the word relegated. Like a bit of a change in the use of the bed to help settle his child is somehow impacting this grown man’s status. How insecure would you have to be to view it that way due to a tiny child you (presumably) actively chose to bring into the world.

Not insecure at all. I want to share my bed with my husband. If the kids were unwell, they came in with me or him. Otherwise, at 3, they were in their own beds. Which is normal for kids who are secure.

People criticising the fact that OP is prioritising her 2 year old over her adult husband. It’s so bizarre. Why would BOTH parents not prioritise the comfort and happiness of a small child over an adult?

Our 2 year old is both of our priorities. All the time. With enough emotional/physical input to also have plenty of love and consideration for eachother as parents and lovers.

I don’t understand not prioritising a small child and meeting their needs first and foremost.

I think it’s important that parents, adults, sometimes prioritise each other and themselves too. Miserable parents are far less effective, it’s about everyone’s happiness - including both of the adults.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for a couple to have time together, in their own space, without the child.

That’s such a funny attitude. You could also ask why would a grown adult, who knows the world and is able you’d think to manage his emotional needs with perspective and compromise needing to prioritise himself over a small child who knows none of that and remove the child from its parents at night? The OP has explained the child was a poor sleeper and co sleeping has helped, it’s not forever.

It’s so funny you use the word relegated. Like a bit of a change in the use of the bed to help settle his child is somehow impacting this grown man’s status. How insecure would you have to be to view it that way due to a tiny child you (presumably) actively chose to bring into the world.

Why don’t you and your toddler co-sleep in the spare room? Then you can go back to your bed and your husband for sex and return to co-sleeping in the spare room after.

Boltonb · Yesterday 23:07
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Attitudes in this country about cosleeping are so backwards. It’s wonderful to cosleep, and I agree with you that sex needs to just be planned differently. Clear the spare room.

No they’re not.

Why should an adult be relegated to the spare room in his home?

Cats would Judge such shenanigans with a capital J.

Ew I just find it wrong having sex with children in the room. I won't even if the cat is in the room

Because all children need learn how to get off to sleep by themselves. It's as simple as that.
Having sex with a partner involves more than just a quick shag, hopefully there is also an emotional connection and for many that doesn't involve getting straight out of bed as though it's meaningless or as though the other party can't wait to get away. It's having a cuddle as well.
I can get off to sleep by myself, just as well as I'm widowed. I'd still like a cuddle and some time together after sex if DH was still here.

Haven't read the whole thread.

Tbh - i would have thought most men would have jumped at the chance of a bit more adventurous sex on the kitchen table, in the shower, car , garden etc etc.

So - i think the issue here that you dh is totally resentful of your ds literally coming between you and he is using sex as a bit of a weapon here - withdrawing it until you sort the bed situation out.

And - for your part you are proritising your son above your DH.

So this is a relationship issue, rather than a sex issue. If your relationship was good, your dh would be spicing things up all over the house!

He's probably knackered and just wants a decent night's kip in the bed.

Look OP, your ds has been co sleeping for 3 years!!! It is wrecking your marital relationship. Get the wee man in his own bed, own room and get your marriage back on track before you lose it.

The point remains whether it's a woman or a man who want "cuddles". Why is it okay for an adult to seek that comfort? Or that want from another human?

Sleeping in your own beds works for some but clearly not all.

You are not describing a better way of doing things, just a different way. Both approaches have pros and cons.

Dear God, I hope this is a reverse

@OrangeGreens Because it discourages independence, self settling and the child developing ways to entertain itself if it is awake and others are not. As the OP has indicated it rules out the normal comfortable marital sex that most couples have in their own beds. If the child has a perfectly comfortable bed of its own after age 2, or a cot before this, it should be encouraged to sleep in it.

What a strange interpretation. Is it withholding sex till someone complies or is it not wanting to have sex under the conditions that it is currently ‘available’?

For example, if my husband said from now on we’re only having sex in the conservatory and I find that a massive turn off so chose not to, am I withholding sex or am I just making an adult choice about my own preferences and boundaries?

The only person here trying to exclusively dictate where and when they have sex is the bloke. Theirs the spare bedroom. There's the sofa, there's probably lots of other places - I don't know their specific house, any of those could be used. I don't see why it has to be one specific bed at one specific time and nowhere else. How utterly boring.

He's not demanding sex. And wives shouldn't be allowed to exclusively dictate the terms of intimacy either: sex is a shared experience between adults. He's perfectly reasonable to expect to have sex in his own bed without a kid around. 3 is old enough to sleep alone.

It is utterly ridiculous to allow a situation to develop where a 3 or 4 year old sleeps with their parents

But why is it ridiculous if the mother is enjoying it and the child is enjoying it?

Obviously a compromise needs to be struck so the adult relationship is not affected, but OP has offered that compromise and he isn’t interested. Why should he get the thing he wants, on his own terms, when the OP has to entirely give up something meaningful to her in order to facilitate that? And then take on all the burden of sleepless nights in addition.

I have a poor sleeper, mostly due to severe silent reflux and food allergies. We bed share and she's 4. I love the cuddles but hate the flying limbs. I also get touched out and need some time without her. At 2 we put my daughter into a bed, we co sleep whilst she goes to sleep in her room. We used to go to bed at 10 and she typically woke around midnight and then came into our bed for the rest of the night. At 3 she had an awful reflux relapse and went to waking every 40 minutes and only sleeping when held which was excruciating. We started going into her and cosleeping in her bed. The biggest improvement with this was she now asks for daddy as well as mummy in the night so we can share the night. She comes into our bed in the mornings. Her sleep improved by us going into her bed and our relationship improved with having some time for us.
The only options you have proposed have been tweaking the sex and I wonder if it would be worth looking at if the cosleeping could be tweaked to give some intimacy. Could they go to bed in their bed, then you have evening sex in your bed and when you go up to bed to sleep you can bring your son into your bed? I'm with your husband I prefer a bed, I wouldn't be fussed by the spare room, especially if it was set up so that if we fell asleep afterwards I'd still get good sleep - comfy pillows, place to charge phone etc

YABU.