Or is my husband - doesn't want sex unless stop cosleeping with DC

Your poor husband. YABU. I agree that taking the spontaneity out of sex by having to go to a different room is a mood killer. Your bed is also your husband’s bed so it is unfair to disregard his feelings.

I never co-slept with mine and won’t be doing it with our next one, I think that’s a big reason why we have a strong relationship and secure, happy kids. Happy relationship = happy kids.

IMO if we swap beds, or encourage co-sleeping, we’re not teaching that child that they CAN sleep alone, and it’s not an upsetting or traumatic experience - doesn’t have to be anyway. It’s taking independence from them, which surely we’re all aiming for.

Every time someone gets into bed with them, we’re confirming that it’s exactly right they’re upset about being in their own bed, and that we’re here to fix it.

I’m not sure why that’s a message anyone wants to deliver or confirm.

Why should OP have to be the unhappy one dealing with a waking toddler and getting little sleep though just because her H refuses to have sex anywhere except in bed? Why should she prioritise her H's 'happiness' over her own and her child's happiness when there is a very workable solution - continuing to bedshare and using the other bed or the sofa if they want to have sex?

OP is NBU, they only stay little for a short time and her toddler will soon enough be out of their bed and happy sleeping alone.

Going to sleep? They comfort themselves and have never co-slept.

Plenty of cuddles when it isn’t bedtime of course or if they have a nightmare or feel poorly at night.

YABU

YABU. 3 years is a long time to not get to have unscheduled sex in your own bed imo. And 3 is quite old for co sleeping. Invs the kid can come in for a nice cuddle in the morning but at 3 I'd want them in their own bed for the night.

I think they are just thick and can't read with comprehension

There’s a difference between a want and a need. A 3 year old might want to sleep with their parent at night but it isn’t a need.

You and your 3 children sit silently, staring into space when you’re feeling upset or stressed? No tears, no conversation, no comfort sought or offered? Really?

A few immediate posters missing the point about self settling. I am talking about calming yourself in times of stress, or making yourself feel better when you’re sad etc. Many many people use an outside crutch to do this, with examples that I’ve given.

The falling to sleep is only one small example. I’m talking about soothing general anxiety, stress or upset. This is likely to be how a toddler feels if they wake up in the night and want to be with their parent.

Many (children and adults) can fall back asleep. Many can’t. If a toddler needs the comfort of a parent currently, what’s the big deal? Why is a grown man not getting his needs met unacceptable, but a toddler not getting their needs met acceptable? Things are backwards.

I do.

So do all 3 of mine who are younger than OP’s child.

News flash! Nobody self settles or self soothes.

Don't be ridiculous!

However, the point here is that the OP has only one child and a 3 bed house. Pretty simple to set up the child's bedroom so that whichever adult is settling them when they wake that night, can stay in there is they would rather do that than settle the child and then return to their own bed.
It isn't the choice of OP having their child in her and her dh's bed, despite the fact it is only her that wants this, or child somehow being ignored.
Every couple have to do what's right for them, but the point is, this isn't right for them both and I'm not sure why her dh gets no say in this, when the overwhelming majority of posters throughout the 19 pages so far, have agreed with him and said the OP is BU. The child isn't a newborn, they are coming up to 3 years old.

If I was you (because, I sort of am, just with an older child that used to sleep brilliantly, and is now rubbish...) I would convert the spare room in to your toddler's room, put them to sleep in there in a bed big enough for two. Then you go and sleep in your master bedroom with your DH, have sex when you wish, and then when your child wakes in the night, you just go and get in to bed with them for the rest of the night.

I know lots of people will tell you to train your child to sleep in their own bed alone etc - but that doesn't always work - I've tried every technique going with mine and all that happens is that we all end up sleep deprived and grumpy. So we opted for 'whatever gets us all the most sleep' and that has been, starts off in his own bed alone, then one of us joins him, when he wakes in the night.

I honestly don't think this is the case.

I've always struggled with my sleep but everyone else I've ever shared a bedroom with - from parents to friends to partners, has always just been able to roll over and go to sleep. They don't need a routine or a comfort item or to do X or Y. They literally just get in bed, close their eyes and are gone.

No, you get into bed and fall asleep. Most people don't need to do anything apart from be tired and then go to bed. We snuggle down and that's it.

You implied a large swathe of the population of the world, and this forum was abnormal for choosing to sleep near or with their children. So you started it 😬

Anyway, a point to a PP who said children must learn to “self settle” or “self soothe”. News flash! Nobody self settles or self soothes. Everyone has a crutch of some sort. When you’re tiny, it can be your parent. When you’re older, it’s music, a bath, a glass of wine, a haircut, a long drive, fishing, a spa day, a nap, an evening out with a friend, nightclub, art class etc etc etc. You don’t feel stressed and sit staring into space indefinitely until you feel less stressed/anxious/sad etc. Well, very few do.

YABU.

I wouldn’t want to shag in the spare room or on the sofa either whilst a toddler was in my bed

YABU

"why"?
Would be my question
Is your bedroom cosy and relaxing but the spare room full of clutter and junk and he is unable to relax and enjoy sex?
Could you make this space a relaxing cosy bedroom instead of a junk space and compromise on having sex in there?

Could you get a double into the child’s room.

Child can be in there room, you and dh can go to bed together and have sex in the marital bed. Then if you want to co sleep later on in the night you go to the child bed?

I’ll be honest and say though I’ve never let my children sleep in my bed. Come in for morning cuddle lazy morning when little but they have never slept in my bed that’s the one space that’s not taken over by children and child things tbh. The little slice of being Wellington rather than Pie’s mummy.

I don't think that either of you are being unreasonable here, and I sympathise with both of you. I think you should have a good chat with your DH, trying very hard to not let the conversation become combative. Try and empathise with him and give him lots of space to share how he feels. You might find that once he feels heard, he will come around to a plan of a reasonable timeframe to end the cosleeping and having sex in the spare room (or initially putting DC to sleep in the spare room and having sex in your bed, then bringing in DC afterwards). I would buy a nice cot to keep right next to your side of the bed, and start putting DC in it for the first part of the night to get them used to having their own bed. You will still feel close to them and your DH will be happy that you are compromising.

I breastsleep with my DS so I know what it's like. Thankfully my DH enjoys having us close by. I think women tend to be more relaxed about sex with little ones near by than men because we still feel the physical closeness of having carried them. But it is a perfectly natural practice. When we lived in a more primitive way, large families would sleep in the same space. Couples weren't sneaking off at night, they were just discreet. Many peoples of the world still live this way and find the modern Western habit of keeping babies in separate rooms and beds abhorrent.

Yup.

Can you not put a double or three quarter bed in your toddler's room to co-sleep with him - then join your husband sometines for a tumble in the marital bed?

I’m on your husbands side here.

Having sex on the sofa where guests, family and your child will sit on is fucking grim. You can’t wash a sofa like you can with bedding.

Either sleep train your child to sleep in their own room, or just hold off on the sex until your bed no longer accommodates your child.

Most of the responses on here against cosleeping are too vague ("because a child should sleep in his bed" which isn't a reason but an opinion). Or misogynistic (do as your husband says so he can get what he wants, never mind what you and the child want).

The truth of the matter is that co-sleeping is not at all bad for children, and many many families manage to do it without divorcing or social services getting involved, or the child still climbing into bed when they're 27.