Or is my husband - doesn't want sex unless stop cosleeping with DC

Literally, why are you shouting.

I agree, he needs to help settle his child. But the overall aim should be everyone in their own beds. He absolutely should support in that.

We currently do 2 (or 3 at a push) wake ups before anyone moves, and have been for 6 months.

Nobody in my relationship is giving up on our right to separate beds, and separate time. We spend literally all day focussing on him (as we should) but would hugely appreciate a break from that, in the form of bedtime. We would value sleeping and waking up in one place, without a child involved.

You can call that harsh, or shout, but the answer - certainly in my house, involves aiming for not moving.

Frankly if I was being told I had to commit to one of us cosleeping and the other sleeping alone, for the foreseeable - I’d be moving out. So would my partner, if that’s helpful to know.

Having sex next to your 3 year old. Yikes.

What a boring sex life you must have! Live a little!

Perhaps if he wanted to choose the bloody curtains he should have helped!

No, he hasn't. It's for the benefit of his child too!

Depends though, doesn't it?

Like would you want to decorate the bedroom with someone when 6 months ago you told them that you didn't like the colour/style etc but they still decorated the bedroom against your wishes anyway?

You're the one with the horrible mind!!! It is NOT PERVERSE!!! IT'S VERY NATURAL!!

Such a nasty, ill-informed comment! What a truly sick way of looking at things!

I was away last week with my adult DDs. We shared a room. Is that also "perverse"??

Sure then the best option for everyone as a few have said now.

Double bed in child’s room. Child goes to sleep firstly alone in their bed. Op and dh hopefully get even an hour in their shared bed. If / when the child wakes up op or the dh can sleep in the child’s bed.

I expect after a while of their new bed smelling like mummy/daddy they will start sleeping better in there anyway.

So if your husband said he wouldn't have sex with you until you decorated the bedroom by yourself while he slept, you'd be okay with that?

(Weird analogy I know, but I was trying to highlight that what he's asking for is his responsibility as much as it is hers.)

Utter bullshit.

There's no "should" about it. This is the easiest way for the OP to get decent sleep. Why should she have to wake several times a night to settle THEIR son, who sleeps soundly all night, having got his way and had sex in the marital bed? Plenty of other places to have sex!

It IS about the OP not being sleep deprived. And selfish ass husband is doing literally nothing about the situation. OP is DNBU!

Of course he doesn't have to have sex.

The thing is he's not saying he doesn't feel like sex, he's saying he'll only have sex in the bed. Which turns out to be the only effort he's able to make towards fixing the sleep issues his wife is having while finding herself solely responsible for night time parenting. If ops dh is feeling undervalued he should help, take some responsibility for his own kid and give her some options.

I only ever have sex on my terms or not at all. I kind of thought that was my right as an autonomous being. Or is it different for OP’s husband because he’s a man?

Absolutely not. He is. His insistence on sex on his terms or none at all is completely unreasonable, as is his inability to settle his own child during the night, his failure to do anything to move his son into his own room, and his acceptance of the fact that his wife will be sleep deprived, just so he can get his end away in his own bed! Disgusting!

Hang on just a minute - who put "sex on hold"? And why is it up to the OP to train her child to sleep in his own bed? He has a father as well as a mother?? If this is a hill for him to die on, let him put his money where his mouth is, selfish get! Sex is only on hold because he's being such a dick about where it happens!!

Absolutely. And one of the greatest gifts you can ever give your child is parents who are in a genuinely happy, mutually supportive relationship.

And who withdrew that, I wonder? (no pun intended!)

Sometimes you have to change things up for a while when you have children.

So, unless Mr Sex-on-legs decides to deign to take a turn to settle the child, then I think @dhnosex's need for sleep trumps his wish for sex in the marital bed!

I've never done well with ultimatums either.

You're unreasonable

YABU on a few fronts
Your DC should, at 3, be able to sleep in their own bedroom, they shouldn't need to sleep with you, they have shown they have no actual sleep issues, they sleep all night.
Also it sounds like you are wanting them to sleep in your bed because YOU like it, you like waking up beside them and don't like getting up during the night. That's just lazy parenting.
It would be slightly different if your DH was on board but he's, quite rightly, not.
You both need your step up and teach your DC to sleep in their own room

I of mine often gets in with us. We usually start them off in their own bed and then I decide depending on how tired I am if they get in with us later after sex. I will usually try to settle in their bed first time. Dad just gets in with the youngest if I'm really tired as they seem to sleep through then but wouldn't until over 2 at least let him settle them if they woke. It sounds like he is trying to force you to stop co sleeping though he should be more understanding and flexible especially as you are the 1 up. You have to be when you have kids.

Her own benefit = actually getting sleep rather than up and down all night (whilst husband sleeps)

I'd say that 'benefit' is more important than the husbands prioritising sex in his location of choice, with his wife that will probably be too tired to even want it.

Urgh.

I’m not against co-sleeping, however the concept has to be revisited when it has not been agreed by both parents - and where it seems here the OP is doing it for her own benefit to the detriment of her relationship. There are a number of factors to consider.

Yes, there is a big difference between not being in the mood for sex and choosing not to have sex to punish your partner or to get your own way. The OP's DH not being in the mood for sex on the couch or amongst the clutter in the spare bedroom is not him "witholding" sex.

I still don’t understand how that’s manipulative. Unless I’ve missed something and he has said ‘I won’t have sex with you till you do what I want’. He clearly doesn’t want to cosleep (so it hasn’t been a shared decision) and one of the issues (not the only issue) is that he doesn’t want to have sex in random places because there is a child in his bed. If he doesn’t want to have sex, he doesn’t have to.

Let’s turn it around, if my husband doesn’t do his fair share in the house it leaves me feeling tired and undervalued and I don’t want to have sex. So I don’t. Some might say that I’m withholding sex to get him to do more housework and I’m manipulating him. In actual fact it’s a massive turn off and as I don’t have to have sex with anyone I don’t want to, when I don’t want to even if I’m married to them.