refusing to pander to DHs insecurities about this man. AIBU?

This is a tricky one b/c as PPs mention, if a man wrote those things about his DW, there would be load of 'red flag' posts.

And contact with classmates in a fitness group can go either way. I have a good GF who goes to a boot-camp group and they are all on a whatsapp together, relishing the banter but nothing more.

If you care about your OH and your marriage, it's not 'pandering' but respecting. Your wording suggests that you find him tedious. If I wanted my marriage to stay strong, I'd be listening to my DH and trying to reassure him.
Defo invite him to the group meal. Also, encourage him to join on FB so he can see what's happening.

Why would being married mean making friends at the gym is odd?

i would find the familiarity from your instructor weird and a bit inappropriate if I were in your shoes, so I guess I see where your DH is coming from. That doesn’t mean he gets to dictate your relationships at the gym. If you love him it might be a good idea to find a way to put his mind at ease by showing him how your relationship with your instructor is normal for your gym, but you also need to watch out for pandering to controlling behaviour, which his comment about clothing may indicate if you are literally wearing the same clothes you always have.

@only90 is it a Cross-Fit gym? My gym is, and this is all perfectly normal, including the social side, as I guess it helps with commitment, etc.

Your DH sounds very insecure, but that's his problem and he shouldn't be making comments to you, especially not about what you wear. IME when you get more into keeping fit and active you do sometimes want to invest in more gym clothing to wear - why not?!

Yeah definitely if this was the other way round everyone would be saying he's cheating on you and raise your bar and all the other stuff people spout when it's men doing something.

I go to a gym like this but the owner runs all the classes. There are about 40 members and people mix up which classes they go to so you inevitably meet everyone. The owner messaged us all individually and organises monthly socials.

If childcare or such isn’t an issue, I would invite DH to the gym to take a class with you and sign up.

I know many people think if a gym as a bigger set up but these smaller ones really are a such a great community vibe!

I do ‘small group personal training’ and the coaches contact us and we’re having a night out. I’m pushing 67 and the coaches are in their 30s. I would say it would be totally normal at the small gym that I go to. My DH hasn’t taken exception. 😀
Yours sounds rather insecure and would-be controlling.

This is one of those posts that, if it was the other way around, the OP would be told her DH defo has a thing for the female gym instructor, it's weird she added him on FB and texts him and he's a dick for not understanding why she doesn't like it. Maybe even a few LTB's thrown in for good measure lol.

Why can't your husband go to the meal too?
Has the gym instructor added the rest of the class to his FB?
Does he text them all also?

If you’re new, or they are a bit snooty and unwelcoming, maybe they have done this 👀

It sounds like a Crossfit-type gym where things do get very personal.

It's also common for the gym-goer to get fitter and happier and dump the current husband/wife.

He might not like the new, improved you.

You can address his concerns but you can't stop him being insecure.

Not at my gym. We regularly socialise outside the gym.

It’s really not weird to have a night out or go for a meal with people from your gym. Especially if it’s a small non-chain type gym.

I also don’t think it’s weird to swap phone numbers or be Facebook friends with your instructor (how else are you going to let them know you will or won’t be at class?).

Your husband sounds like he’s really insecure, but that doesn’t give him the right to dictate what you do.

Would it reassure him if he joined the gym with you? If you want him to, that is.

Yes could he come on the meal too. Or if others aren’t bringing partners he could join you for a drink after? Take the mystery out of it and he might be reassured.

There is not a chance in hell my DH would come to the gym with me but a drink, he absolutely would!

My gym is a private group with classes, we have never done this.

Is he generally insecure/jealous? I think accepting him on FB & the meal is a bit odd. I would briefly reassure him but not overdo it. Nothing to hide so no need to over talk it.

if it was the other way round & you were feeling insecure about a situation he was in, how would you want him to respond?

This. Why can't your husband come along if it's all completely innocent?

Tell DH if he's worried then he's welcome to come along to the gym too.

Yeah, seems a normal thing to do when you're single but just seems a bit odd to me when married. I wouldnt do it, but I wouldnt feel like that's the type of friendship I have with people at the gym. The gym is just the gym to me.

Could your husband not come along to the meal? I think id be really upset my husband just ignored my insecurities. To me that's just shutting down his feelings. Can he not come to the gym as well? I find it weird the Facebook add. Also inviting you on a night out by message isn't about the gym.

Have other members of classes been added onto his FB too? If not that is suspect

At least your DH have voiced concerns and isn't simmering in resentment in silence or following you like a stalker. He's asking for reassurance. You are allowed to do things and shouldn't give up things just because it worries DH but it's not unreasonable to discuss the matter and talk about acceptable bondaries on both sides.

I really hope this isn’t a reverse. They are utterly pointless and really bloody annoying.

Has he got form for being jealous unnecessarily? Is he controlling in any other way? Have you ever given him any reason not to trust you completely?

Ok with update, it’s normal to get friendly at those smaller classes. I don’t think this is at all strange. There are WhatsApp groups and people follow on Instagram and so on.

It’s only the same as a Pilates group meeting up for coffee or something. YANBU

I wouldn't ignore my husband's insecurities about another man. I would feel bad that I'd put him in a position where he had to communicate that he was insecure tbh (unless your DH is generally insecure and frequently has issues like this therefore it's unavoidable - it would be extremely out of character for my DH to feel this way.)

If you felt insecure about another woman, even if your husband thought you were mental, wouldn't you want him to listen to you?

It doesn't sound like he's saying he doesn't want you to go, just that he isn't comfortable with you communicating outside of the gym. Could a compromise be reached?

How does the gym make a profit with such a small client base?