refusing to pander to DHs insecurities about this man. AIBU?

Don't go for the meal that's a bit much.

X posted with @Duckingella but yes, that.

Are you planning on shagging him?

Because that is obvious what your DH thinks.

I don't see the point in relationships without trust. I wouldn't have a problem with what you describe neither would my DH.

Is it linked further to you trying to better yourself (via the gym) insecure men often see this as a desire to grow away from them. Ime the man normally forces the division.

My husband and I I are both members of a small gym. Our PT has both our numbers which are mainly used to rearrange/ cancel sessions or send links to suggested exercises or what not. Occasionally maybe a joke or a meme. We occasionally go out for a social including a Christmas meal with the instructors and some of the regulars. Any member welcome.

All of what you describe therefore seems within the realm of normal to me and is exactly what I do in full view of my DH. (I am under no illusions that my 20years younger super fit gym instructor has any interest in a middle aged menopausal woman in any case)

Have lost weight and or/look better physically and have gained confidence/feel better mentally?

Bloody congratulations if you have as hard work deserves to pay.

However if this is the case many men have an issue with this and become bizarrely jealous;they can't accept that us women do stuff like it for ourselves and no one else.

Could you husband be jealous because he's threatened by this other man's physical appearance?

I bet he wouldn't have an issue if the PT was a woman and she was friendly with the attendees from the class.

It's not uncommon for groups from the gym to socialise;my gym is a large one with a bar and function room;they run a monthly social night plus Christmas and new year parties there for members as well as a children's Halloween/Christmas parties for members children.

I’d be jealous 😂

I went on a weekend away with gym friends including a couple of instructors. I have gym friends in the same way I have work friends.

My husband would be welcome to do the same.

I would not be happy if my DH had this much contact with a gym random. I think you’re taking the piss quite frankly. No one needs to text to keep tabs on somebody else’s step count…

• he may occasionally text to ask how I'm getting on with my step count that day
• he (gym instructor) added me on Facebook
• some people from the gym are arranging a meal in the local town over Christmas and I've been invited by the aforementioned instructor.

You may not know the answer to all of this but:
Does he text the other members of your class/other classes about steps etc including the men? Ditto for adding class/gym members on FB, including other men. And has he specifically invited you personally or has he also invited the other people from your class to this meal?

Maybe your DH senses something you don’t - especially if this is out of character for him.

Honestly, as a really longstanding gym member, I have about 60/70 current and former other members on there, they all added me. It’s really not abnormal.

I barely use Facebook so I just accept as there’s nothing of note anyway - I think some people are just more ‘add friend’ happy than others!

Seeing as most affairs happen with people of the opposite sex who come into contact for the first time once married, I would not want my husband to be privately messaging someone from the gym. You're not friends, it's an overstepping of boundaries to be added on Facebook. I wouldn't like this at all. Old friends from before the marriage are fine. This is a potential love interest.

OP only you really know deep down if this is inappropriate or not - I have attended gyms with no community feel, and gyms with a community like this - those who get it get it and those who don't don't. Some people hate the idea of being in a gym community, I myself have at times in my life wanted a gym with a community and other times just wanted to dip in and out and be left alone. Does the trainer know you are married?

I have a PT and she checks in with me regularly. She is a she, but it’s very much part of the service. The male PTs do the same.

In terms of the meal, groups of the gym friends do arrange Christmas get togethers - there’s a huge one and then also little pocket ones as this sounds. Often an instructor will go too because they’re particularly friendly with that ‘pocket’.

What you have written could, or could not, be a problem. Your husband isn’t crazy to at least consider whether this could become something more - affairs are pretty frequent that start in a gym from my experience. He may be noticing something subtle that you haven’t even noticed yet. Or, this may be the latest in a long line of subtle controlling things that he’s historically done. I think you need to consider both against the background of who your husband is.

If my husband brought up something along these lines I would immediately stop contact but that’s because my husband has never shown any interest in who I talk to, where I go, what I wear etc, not in any way controlling or overbearing. So if his spider senses were set off by something, I would give it credibility and think he’s picked up something I haven’t. But that is only because it would be so insanely out of character for him.

Its not weird to go on an xmas meal with gym mates!

Youre husband is weird!

Adding you on fb seems completely inappropriate. I'm with your husband, it's blurring the professional lines. How would you feel if a female gym bunny added him on fb and had his personal number?

I've been a member of a small gym before and I see this as totally normal. The gym is like a little community. Small gyms struggle to compete with big gyms in terms of numbers and memberships, but because of that, instructors work harder to retain the ones they do have, and go that extra mile for their members. It really does become a friendship.

To be honest I find that all odd? He is a class instructor not your personal PT?

It’s insecurities he’s trying to control you

I just happen to have met people at classes who happen to be female but I think if it was a man and he wanted to come along, why not. I can see why if you’re going to the gym, doing your workout and going home, you’d not make friends. But classes… a lot of it is the social aspect, the challenge, the gains and checking in. There’s definitely an element to it that isn’t anything to do with “meeting men at the gym”

Yeah I agree with those saying if it was a woman posting that their husband had joined a gym and was now texting an instructor about their daily steps and arranging nights out they’d be getting “LTB” “red flag” so same applies here I think.

This

I have been part of more than one gym where this is absolutely normal.

Does the instructor interact the same with the rest of the class, do you interact with other class members?

I would try to involve your DH, can he join the gym with you or come to the meal?

I can see why he’s a bit insecure but you aren’t doing anything untoward.

I'm entitled to my opinion. I would have no desire whatsoever to go and make friends with men at the gym, and have them texting me, adding me to Facebook and going for meals with them. It just wouldn't even enter my head.

I think only 5/6 people going from gym is a bit odd, is there only 5/6 members? Or are only some invited?